Page 113 of Wild Card
I was playing house in my head, avoiding the reality of having to tell him. But now a thread of worry has taken hold. One I can’t shake.
My brain circles back to the words I might use to explain how everything got so complicated.
I met her first.
I couldn’t help myself.
I tried to stay away.
I’m sorry I didn’t try harder.
I want you in my life, but I can’t give her up.
Please forgive me.
I met her first.
I met her first.
I met her first.
I keep coming back to the childish retort. Like somehow it excuses every decision I’ve made since meeting her. But the truth of the matter is Ididmeet her first. It was only one night, but in an endless sea of nights that were only ever numb, she made me feel something.
And that feeling has never left me. I’ve clung to it almost desperately. A beacon of light that has kept me swimming through rough waters. And only recently have I really had to grapple with the fact that I have no intention of letting that feeling go.
Of lettinghergo.
I’ve enjoyed living in our happy bubble, and I’m not ready to burst it. After wanting Gwen for so long and being alone for so many years, a large part of me is desperate not to disrupt the peace. That’s why I’m sitting on the back deck, waiting for her to come home from yoga, with an absolutely embarrassing surprise ready to go.
“I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this,” I mutter to myself as I stare out over the darkened water, the shrub-lined edge of the property still and quiet. The day was hot and dry, but the nighttime temperatures still plunge. Spring usually brings rain to the valley, but this year it’s like we skipped a portion of the season. We went from early spring straight into early summer.
Soon I hear the crunch of tires on the driveway from the opposite side of the house. Gwen is humming when she hops out of her truck, and it makes me smile. The front door shuts behind her, and she calls out, “I’m home!”
Next, I hear Clyde yell, “That lovesick fool is waiting for you on the back deck.”
I shake my head. I thought I saw him peeking out from behind his curtains. Snoopy motherfucker.
I’m met with the soft, rolling sound of her laugh, as though she thinks he’s joking. But she still pads toward the back of the house and steps outside.
“What are you doing out here, Casanova? Just beinglovesick?” she teases before stopping rather abruptly.
I chuckle, peeking at her over my shoulder. “You know me. Just been waiting all day for you to get home.”
She scoffs and drops beside me as I reach for the tray covered in tinfoil. I lift it onto my lap, watching her curious gaze dance over the foil as it crinkles.
“What have we got here? Did you spend your day in the kitchen making me a lovesick little picnic?”
I laugh. “Gwen, so help me. If you don’t let that one go, you’re gonna pay for it.”
Her eyebrows shoot up on her forehead. “Now you’ve got my attention.” She salutes me. “Reporting for duty, sir. Ready to pay for it.”
I groan. Ever since we started sleeping together, it’s been like this. Fun and light and so fuckingaddictive. I look her over, knowing that she’s exactly what I’ve needed. I’ve been living with a dark shadow covering everything around me, and along comes Gwen, peeling it away, letting all that light in.
With her, the world looks so different.
So muchbetter. For the first time in years, I feel excited about the future. With her, anything is possible.
But then Tripp’s name pops up in my mind, and I feel sick all over again. Sick because I know I can’t truly move forward without coming clean to him.
