Page 84 of The Fun Part
Am I in love with her?
She looks at me, vulnerability in her blue eyes. It was brave of her to say that. Still I hesitate, wary she’ll expect something big like my entire life. The price you pay for love.
She rushes on. “I’d like a fresh start. I introduced myself to you as someone who only wanted casual, but that was before I met you.” She blinks rapidly like she’s about to cry. Instinctively I reach for her hand to comfort her.
She pulls away. “It’s easier if we don’t touch. It kinda messes with my head.”
“Okay.”
“Because of our chemistry.”
“Oh.”That’s good. “I’m sorry about the way I ended things. I guess I got overwhelmed at all the—” I cough “—emotion flying around at the vow renewal. I know that sounds weird.”
“Not at all! I have emotions too. I mean about you.” She buries her face in her hands and mumbles, “Why is this so hard?” She lifts her head and meets my eyes dead on. “I have feelings for you. Deep feelings. I’m scared, but there it is.”
I shift closer. “You’re scared? I can’t imagine you being scared of anything.”
“Ha! I’m terrified. I didn’t want to fall in love with you. It’s messy and painful, and I’m terrified it won’t work out, and I’ll sufferterribly.”
My shoulders relax. No one’s ever acknowledged the suffering connected to loving someone. “I get that. I never believed that saying about better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Grief can steal your life.”
“Sutton told me about Brenda. Have you ever gone to grief counseling?”
I close my eyes. Sutton had no right to share that. I hate talking about it.
“Would you consider counseling?” she asks. “I sense your pain. I understand how hard it is to let someone in after what you’ve been through.”
I stare straight ahead, keeping my voice steady. “If I open that box, the one I push the pain into, I won’t be me anymore. I won’t function.”
She slides her hand to the nape of my neck and presses her forehead to mine. “Oh, Cal. You will function, I promise. Pushing the pain away never makes it leave completely. Then you’re stuck with only the pain and not the good memories.”
I slide my hand into her hair and breathe with her, calm returning. “I don’t want to end up like him.” I shift back to look at her. “I want the good part, but not the rest.”
She blinks back tears. “I don’t think love works like that. Life doesn’t work like that, I know that for sure.” She pulls away. “That is, if you feel the same way about me.”
It hits me that I fell the moment I took her in my arms on the dance floor the first day we met. Why was I fighting it so long? Every time things got too intense, I put up a wall. “I never believed in love at first sight.”
“Me either. That’s silly.”
“Until you.”
“Oh, Cal.” She loops her arms around my neck. I kiss her, putting all the love and longing I’ve tried to hold back into the single moment.
I cradle her face in my hands and push past every wall to say what’s in my heart. “I love you, Mackenzie.”
She lets out a small cry, smiling with watery eyes. “I love you too. Let’s end this game between us. No more back and forth, running scared. I’m all in.” She laughs and holds up a shaking hand. “This is me with my heart on the line.”
I take her shaking hand in mine and kiss it. Somehow her vulnerability makes it easier for me to bear mine. It’s hard tospeak around the lump of emotion lodged in my throat. “I’ll take good care of you.”
She smiles. “We’ll take care of each other.”
I swallow hard. “You’re pretty healthy, right? Your family seem healthy.”
“We’re a hardy bunch. And so are you.”
My mouth goes dry, my voice not entirely steady. “Okay.” This is harder than I thought, facing fears of death. It’s all wrapped up with love for me. No wonder I’ve avoided it for so long.
She climbs into my lap, her eyes intent on mine. “You will never, ever lose me. Even if I die first, you’ll still have me here.” She touches my head. “And here.” She touches my heart. “We love each other, and that’s a good thing. We can be very happy together, I know it. All I’m asking is for you to open your heart and let me in.”
