Page 38 of Choosing Her Earl at Last
Chapter 17
Emmeline was pacing back and forth in her father’s library when Mr. Hardy announced the arrival of Lady Louisa. “Show her in here, Mr. Hardy.”
The butler bowed, then disappeared from view to return within moments with Louisa in tow.
“I will bring tea, my lady,” he promised, as he disappeared once more.
“Emmeline,” Louisa moved across the room, taking Emmeline’s hands into hers. “How are you? You look as if you have not slept a wink since the night of the ball.”
“That is because I have not,” Emmeline admitted.
Louisa’s eyes held compassion as she pulled Emmeline over to the settee flanking the fireplace. “Is it the worry for Rebecca that is robbing you of sleep, or has something else happened?”
Emmeline spent the next several minutes informing Louisa of everything that had transpired since the ball where they had met the coachman.
“Now, at this moment, Michael and Colin are out inspecting each of the locations on the coachman’s list.”
Louisa nodded slowly, her eyes studying Emmelin’s face questioningly. “How has it been spending so much time with Michael after all of these years?”
Emmeline sighed, leaning back in her seat. “It has been…” She shook her head, unable to find a word that fit her feelings. “I gave him my father’s compass.” The gesture was the only way she knew how to describe what was happening between them.
Louisa’s eyes widened in surprise. “Emmeline,” she breathed in awe of the sacrifice.
Emmeline nodded. “I know.”
“Does he know?” Louisa asked, reaching out and taking her friend’s hand in support. “Does he understand what such a gift means?”
“I do not know what he is thinking. He does not share his thoughts with me. His eyes tell me that he is still hurt and angry, that he still blames me for marrying the marquess.”
“If he were to forgive you, would you be willing to begin again?”
Emmeline closed her eyes, leaning her head against the top of the settee in a most unladylike fashion. It was a true expression of her emotional exhaustion. “My marriage to Norman was so very cold and distant. Once he died, I discovered that he had been lying to me and my family since before our marriage. Honestly, I am not fond of marriage and do not wish to surrender myself to another man who might make me feel as he did.”
“Do you believe that Michael would?”
Emmeline shook her head. “The Michael that I knew before, when we were younger, I would trust with every aspect of myself. The Michael that looks at me with hurt and anger in his eyes, at times with cold indifference, that Michael, I do not believe that I could. I am not saying that I do not deserve his anger, but I could not trust my heart to someone who is capable of misjudging me and my intentions so harshly.”
Louisa nodded in understanding. “I wish that you had been able to experience marriage as the beautiful experience that it can be with the right man.”
Emmeline turned a sad, wistful smile toward her friend. “I am so very happy that you had a wonderful marriage, but most women do not have the luxury of marrying for love. Most marriages are business arrangements or familial alliances for the sake of an heir, nothing more.”
“I am aware of societal norms,” Louisa admitted, “but as your friend, I wish more for you than that.”
“I would be lying if I said that I did not have feelings for Michael, but those feelings put my heart at great risk of being shattered beyond repair. I can bear a cold marriage with a stranger that I do not love. I could never bear a cold marriage with the man that I do love.”
Louisa nodded in sympathy. “I can understand that. Had the same been true for myself and my beloved husband, it would have broken my spirit.”
Emmeline smiled lovingly at her friend. “I cannot imagine that there would be anything in this life that might break your spirit. You are the most indomitable woman that I have ever met.”
Louisa shook her head. “I am not. Of the two of us, it is you who holds that title of distinction.”
“I am not indomitable,” Emmeline shook her head in argument.
“You survived the loss of the man you loved, a marriage that you did not want, a husband who neglected you, who left you with nothing but a title to your name, lost your father, your sister is missing …” Louisa spread her hands out in supplication. “Howmuch more must you endure and survive to see yourself as the brave, beautiful, worthy woman that you are?”
Emmeline did not have an answer. She sat in silence, just staring at her hands. She did not know what to say or think. “I do not deserve him,” she finally breathed, her voice cracking. “I submitted myself to family pressure rather than to have the courage to follow after love.”
“What you did took great courage. I would not have had the courage and strength to do what you did and turn my back on love to honor my familial duty,” Louisa admitted. “It is clear to me, my darling, that you do not have a true understanding of yourself. I wish that you could see yourself as I see you.”
