Page 67 of The Earl's Disguised Governess
Magdalene’s eyes filled with tears. “I have returned to England with nothing, but at least I have not returned to the worthless, abusive man that your father was.”
“He was so awful, and yet you felt very comfortable to leave me behind with him.”
“I wished to take you. I made plans with Gerard to retrieve you once we were settled but …”
“But you forgot?” Claire guessed. “Because while you forgot me, Mother, I was trying to debut alone, my father forgot half the time that he had responsibilities as a baron, and when he died, his debts passed to me. I had to balance his debts, andwhen there was nothing left and I was destitute, I was forced to leave that life behind. I became this. Miss Claire Gundry, a governess to a wonderful young woman whom I could not bear to leave behind, and she is not even my own child. I do not understand how you could have done that to me.”
“I cannot explain more than I already have,” Magdalene whispered. “All I can promise is that I shall spend every day attempting to make up for what I have caused. Will you let me? I merely wish to know you are happy and perhaps meet with you occasionally.”
“I do not know.” Claire’s admittance came through her tears. She had to look away from her mother’s red-ringed eyes. “This is a massive shock to me. I thought myself no better than an orphan, really. My father was dead, and my mother did not want me. You do not get to want me now, for that is my decision to want you back in my life. Do you understand?”
Timidly, Magdalene nodded. “You have grown into a very headstrong woman, Claire. I am pro—”
“Do not say you are proud of me. I cannot bear to hear that. Because I practically raised myself when I should not have had to. My life should have been different.”
“But does this life make you happy?”
Claire’s mouth tightened. “I have found ways for it to do so. And that is enough for me.” She turned to leave, unable to bear more of this. “Mother, I cannot forgive you for abandoning me, even if you have indeed changed your ways. I must ask you for some time to process your return to my life. I cannot guarantee the answer at the end of that time will be a yes, but I need it regardless.”
Her mother—how strange it was to envision her as that—only nodded. “I shall await your correspondence then.”
Claire nodded before she left the hotel room. There was no point in lingering, and she had nothing more to say. There was only that tight knot in her chest that she was scared would burst any moment. She said nothing as she approached Ernest, who looked at her, alarmed.
“What happened? Are you all right?”
She shook her head to indicate she could not yet speak. And she did not until they were in the carriage—and then she broke like a dam, and her tears spilled in uncontrollable bursts. Ernest was immediately there, holding her shoulders as she cried into him.
“Ernest, I have no idea what to do,” she whispered. “This place has become a nightmare. Rumours, whispers, gossip, judgemental looks. I feel as though Lady Katherine has tricks up her sleeve that I cannot predetermine, but I will keep onworrying about how she will ruin my life further. First, Lord Simon and now my mother. I cannot endure this. Do—do I become yet another Claire? Start over elsewhere? Or do I help my mother and start anew with her and try to overcome the past hurt? Do I give in to Lord Simon?”
At that, Ernest’s eyes darkened, and he leaned over her as he shook his head. “No, do not. That is not the answer.”
His voice was low and hard in the confined carriage space. Yet as he loomed over her, Claire felt the safest she ever had done. She looked up, meeting his gaze.
Do you see it? she thought. Do you see the love I harbour for you in my eyes?
She could not say it the night before, too anguished by her mother’s arrival, but she wanted to say it now. She wanted to hear him say it, too.
“Then if Lord Simon is not the answer,” she murmured, “who is?”
“I am,” he whispered. “I—as I said last night, Claire, I have admirations for you that I am not willing to deny any longer. I cannot keep on denying it. I am no master of words, not really, yet there are not enough poets in the world who could capture my love for you. I am a man who uses his hands to convey things. My work at the hospital, on the battlefield,proposals, gestures, so words are not my strong suit but … Claire, I understand that we both have pasts that haunt us. They seem to follow us around every corner, but I believe we can make something better. You think your only option is to return to your past, but there is another option. An entirely new future, created only by yourself.”
Claire’s mouth parted, words not coming out. “What are you trying to say, Lord Bannerdown?”
“I am attempting to ask for your hand, Claire.” He laughed. “Albeit awkwardly, I am presuming. I do not want Lady Samantha or anybody other than you. I wish I had made that more obvious.”
“Oh, you have,” she murmured. “But I longed to tease you. However, I must say I am at a loss for words myself. I want to marry you, Ernest, but only if you are sure this is the life you want. I am a woman caught between two lives, it seems.”
“And I am a man of the same situation.”
“So perhaps we fit rather perfectly,” she whispered.
“An earl and a governess.” He laughed.
“A lady and a medic,” she added.
“I love you, Claire Gundry.”
“I love you, Ernest Barnes.”
