Page 17 of A Baron's Disguised Lady
“I did, yes… I still can’t quite believe she’s gone. It doesn’t seem… true,” he said.
Over the past six months, Archie had almost expected to awake as from a dream and find his sister alive, or discover it had all been a mistake, and it was not Gwendolene whom they had buried in the churchyard. But such thoughts were idle fancies, and Archie knew it was pointless to imagine such things.
“Because you don’t want it to be. You want everything to be as it was before. That’s why you keep her bedroom door locked, isn’t it? You want to preserve her. Like a portrait,” Lavinia said, and Archie nodded.
“I suppose I do, yes. She didn’t deserve to die. Not so young. She was… so perfect,” he said, as tears welled up in his eyes.
Lavinia set aside her empty plate, looking at him sympathetically.
“You can’t escape your thoughts, can you?” she asked, and he shook his head.
“No… she’s never far from them. I see her face, and I… I wish I could’ve done something more to save her. If only I’d tried harder. It sounds ridiculous to say so, but there was surely something I could’ve done,” he said, shaking his head.
He could not believe he was saying these things to her, but the guilt he felt over Gwendolene’s death was ever present. If only he had done something more; found a different doctor, acted sooner to force her to rest, employed a different nurse…
“If it was fate, there’s nothing you could’ve done,” Lavinia replied.
Archie cursed under his breath. It was not true, he had failed his sister, and now he was failing her again by not grasping what had happened to her. There was something missing, something he had not realized, but try as he might, he could not find it.
“I don’t know… I’m certain… well, it doesn’t matter, I suppose. She’s dead, and I’ve got to live with it, but that’s no excuse for my behaving so badly towards you earlier on,” Archie said, rising to his feet.
He had made his apology, and he could only hope she would accept it for what it was. Lavinia nodded.
“Are you apologizing?” she asked, and he blushed.
“Yes,” he said.
Archie was not used to apologizing. He was not used to talking to anyone except his mother, and perhaps Thomas and some of the other servants. He had forgotten how to converse, and his earlier behavior had been the result of that forgetfulness. He had not meant to be rude, but he knew he had been.
She looked at him and smiled. She had a very pretty smile; genuine, not forced, but sincere, and Archie found himself smiling back at her. She, too, had risen to her feet, and she stepped forward, grateful, it seemed, for his having apologized to her.
“Then I accept,” she said, and to his surprise, she reached out and took his hand in hers.
Archie was taken aback. It was not proper, or usual, for a woman to take a man’s hand like that. A man would take a woman’s hand if he intended to kiss her, but Archie had no intention of doing so. He did not know what to do—should he withdraw, or should he reciprocate in kind? He did not want to be accused of an impropriety, but if his mother, or one of the servants, or Lavinia’s mother, should catch them…
“Oh… are you… forgive me,” he said, blushing as Lavinia smiled at him.
“Am I what?” she asked.
“It’s just… when a man takes a woman’s hand in his, it usually means… he intends to kiss her,” Archie said, and Lavinia laughed.
“Does it? I didn’t realize,” she said, and Archie nodded, though he did not withdraw his hand from hers.
He realized this was yet another of her unintended faux pas, but it was not one he was about to chastise her for. She was only being kind, and still they stood, hand in hand, facing one another.
“It does, but… it’s quite all right,” he said, and Lavinia nodded.
“I know I make mistakes, but I don’t think this is a mistake, is it? One person comforting another. Below stairs, we’d often hold hands, or embrace, or show signs of affection. We weren’t bound by such conventions as I seem to be now,” she said, and Archie nodded.
“The upper classes can be… strangely rigid in their ways, can’t they?” he said, and Lavinia nodded.
“They certainly can,” she said, still holding his hand in hers.
There was something comforting about her touch, even as he realized hers was the first hand he had had held since that of his sister on her deathbed. Her hand had been cold, but Lavinia’s was warm, and despite himself, Archie was loathe to let go.
“Well, I really am very sorry for my behavior earlier on. I hope we’ve reached a new understanding?” he asked, and Lavinia nodded.
“It’s quite all right, and I’ll try to get things right from now on, My Lord,” she said, and Archie smiled.
