Page 71 of A Dreamy Match Made in Heaven
He wondered if things could ever be right for them. He wondered if she would ever come to a place of accepting his apologies and open to a courtship being renewed.
And in the midst of that thought, Thomas suddenly felt a wave of guilt crash over himself. He could not dare to think such a thing. What a terrible man he was!
Lady Cranford was a fine woman. In every way, she was polite and sweet and good. She was skilled and beautiful, filled with positive attributes.
The fact that he was still thinking about Sophia when he had pledged to move on and was courting another was shameful.
“Thomas?” Officer Kingsley prodded.
Thomas looked at him, shaking the fog from his mind.
“What is it?” Thomas asked.
“I was trying to speak to you, but it would appear that you are entirely distracted. What is it? What is on your mind?” he asked.
Thomas took in a deep breath, knowing that if he was going to share his thoughts with anyone at any time, it ought to be now.
“Well, I cannot pretend that I am confident in many of the choices that I have made,” he said.
“What do you mean? Which choices?” Officer Kingsley asked.
“The choices I have made regarding my future. With Lady Cranford and with Lady Hastings,” he said.
“How so? What are you unsatisfied with?” he asked.
“Well, I like Lady Cranford. She is a lovely young woman. I enjoy her company and I do enjoy her as a friend. I think that we would have quite a lot of fun together. But the pressure of romance and marriage? That is not something that I can say I wish for with her,” he confessed.
Officer Kingsley looked at him with confusion. Thomas didn’t entirely believe it. He felt sure that Officer Kingsley knew well all of these thoughts he was admitting to. His friend understood him well enough to know that he was not in love with Lady Cranford.
“I do not love her. And although I have tried to convince myself that I can settle for a loveless marriage, I do not know if I really can. I want to be happy, to be satisfied, with someone like her. We have such a lovely time when we are together,” Thomas continued.
“And as I said, she is truly a good woman. There are so many things to like about her. And yet I find myself overwhelmed by my desire to ignore those things when it comes to thoughts of a formal courtship and a betrothal. Each time I wonder if I ought to press forward with it, I decide against it,” he said.
“Why is that?” Officer Kingsley asked.
“I often tell myself that it is best to simply wait. That we need more time to get to know one another. That there is time ahead for us and we needn’t pretend to be in love as of yet. But in truth, I think I know that I shall never love her. Not as I loved Sophia,” he said.
“Loved? Did you love Sophia? Or do you still love her?” Officer Kingsley asked, bluntly.
Thomas had to concede to the fact of that matter. He knew that admitting it aloud was a dangerous thing to do, but alas, he was going to be honest with his friend even if it was a challenge to do so.
“I suppose that in truth, I still love her. And I wish that I did not, but I can never overcome her. Your idea for me to go through the Matchmaker was a good one, but in the end all it did was bring me back to my first love and having to admit where I went wrong in all of this,” Thomas said.
“Then perhaps the two of you were never meant to part,” he said.
“Perhaps. But even if that is the case, I have already nearly committed myself to another woman. And I do not wish to hurt her,” Thomas lamented.
“You needn’t hurt her, but the longer you continue trying to love her without success, the more likely it is that you shall ultimately bring her pain,” Officer Kingsley pointed out.
Thomas nodded, agreeing that this was very much the case. He had been thinking about it a lot himself. And he knew that if he wanted Lady Cranford to be happy, he would have to make some grand decisions very soon and make every effort to remove all potential for her to be truly hurt by his actions.
That could easily mean that he had to end their romance immediately. And as difficult as that would be, it seemed the right thing to do.
But then Thomas considered what it would mean for him from there. If he ended things with Lady Cranford, he would still end up alone. There was no telling what might happen between him and Sophia. There was no guarantee that they would find love with one another.
No, he had no guarantees of anything anymore. And no matter what decision he made, someone would be hurt in the end.
It was better to stay with the choice he had already made wherein he had said his farewell to Sophia and was moving on to a life with Lady Cranford.
