Page 65 of A Dreamy Match Made in Heaven
Lady Cranford nodded. Her solemn expression only made her even lovelier, and Thomas thought that he had never seen someone manage to look so beautiful despite sadness.
And then he remembered that he had. He had seen a woman who could turn any emotion into an expression of art. He had known a woman who was more beautiful than anything he could have fathomed.
All over again, Thomas tried to push away his thoughts of Sophia. She was in his mind, no matter how he tried to avoid it. No matter how he worked to push her away, she remained. It was frustrating and difficult to know that he was powerless to stop her from crossing his thoughts.
“Lady Cranford, you are rather magnificent,” he commented as they ended their time at the park.
Miss Winston was just far enough away that he didn’t have to worry too much about her hearing him, but he still tried to maintain a low volume in his compliments of her. Thomas wondered how it would be received for him to be heard speaking to her in such a familiar way.
It was strange that he did not know how to pace his interactions with Lady Cranford. With Sophia, her family and his had been close for quite a long time and it was easier to know how to interact with her.
He was able to compliment her with the friendliness that they had developed over years of being raised together, of spending time together.
But it was not so with Lady Cranford. With her sweet complexion and kind demeanour, she was not someone who he understood.
When Thomas made his way back to the inn that day, he sat on his bed and tried to decide what he ought to do next. He knew that he had to accept that Lady Cranford was his future, even without love.
Officer Kingsley came to his door and Thomas let him in, glad to not be alone with his thoughts anymore.
“You spent your day with Lady Cranford, did you not?” his friend asked.
“Yes, I did. We had a lovely stroll around Covent Gardens. And then lunch after,” he said.
“And did you enjoy her company?” Officer Kingsley asked.
“Certainly. She is quite a tremendous woman,” he said.
“Then why do you seem so dour?” he asked.
Thomas looked away, irritated that Officer Kingsley could see that in him. He wondered why he was so obvious when he was unhappy or having any sort of struggle.
“I suppose because I have had to accept that I shall never truly love her, despite the fact that she is a woman worth loving dearly,” he confessed.
Officer Kingsley looked at him with a sudden concern. Thomas had never confessed that he didn’t love her and telling his friend now was quite a difficult thing to admit.
“You do not love her?” he asked.
“No. But I cannot hope for love anymore,” Thomas said.
“Why not?”
“Because love is not something we are all afforded. I have come to terms with the fact that I shall simply care about her. She is beautiful and kind. That is certainly enough. I needn’t have love when I have such a good thing from Lady Cranford,” Thomas reasoned.
“That is not enough. I always believed beauty was enough to fall in love, but I cannot think that way anymore. I never imagined that love would be like this. Perhaps that is why I was not looking for it. If I had known how wonderful love is, I might have sought it out sooner,” Officer Kingsley said.
“That is all very well for you, but I have known love only to bring heartache for myself. I shouldn’t wish that on you or any man, but it is all I have known of it,” Thomas said.
“Surely it is not always that way. There are so many in this world who have had happy romances. Your own mother and father are still very much in love. Why should you think that it is too late for you?” he asked.
“Because I have a wonderful woman before me, one that I might spend the rest of my life with. And yet, I still think of Sophia often. It isn’t right. There is no reason for it. I shouldn’t have any affection for her at all. And yet she continues to come to my thoughts. Unbidden and unwanted,” Thomas said.
“Do you not believe that this is a sign that the two of you ought to be together then?” Officer Kingsley asked.
“We have already tried that. Nothing came of it. And then we were forced together and were only further separated by our own individual stubbornness and blaming of one another. We bring out the very worst behaviours in ourselves when we are together,” Thomas told him.
It was a painful truth that he had finally come to realise. No matter how he cared for her, Sophia was always at her worst when he was around and it was the same in reverse.
They were not good with one another. It made life miserable for all those around them. At least, it had brought significant difficulties in the past. And it was likely to do so again in the future, should they try to remain together.
