Page 72 of The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess
It seemed that he did, for the same beautiful and ridiculous grin had been on his face throughout nearly the whole conversation. And every question that was in her heart was going unanswered, but it was still alright because if he were telling the truth then none of her other questions might matter until it came to the point at which she could ask him why he did all of this.
For another eternity or two, Victoria realised that she was flinging her thoughts back and forth between the two possibilities. Either the Earl was making a cruel joke at her expense or he was telling the truth. She could not accept either as the truth, for the former made him to be a man that she did not know and the latter was too wonderful to believe.
“Miss Jamison?” the Earl asked in concern, waiting for her to respond. She looked at him in wonder, hoping once more that he was telling her the truth.
“H-how?” she asked. “How did all of this come about? How did you make all of it happen and arrange for…how did this happen?”
With the words that he had just spoken and the news that had just been shared, Miss Jamison was nearly delirious and it appeared that the Earl could sense it. He was gentle with her, slow in his explanations.
He smiled at her then, appearing relieved to have any sort of response and evidently glad to be able to share his news, even if she had not yet accepted it.
“When Lady Ingles came to see me that day, I felt that I must rush our marriage. You see, I knew that the feelings I have toward you are such that a man ought not to have when he was betrothed to another,” the Earl began.
Victoria saw the guilt in his eyes, a look she had never seen from her father during his affairs. It made her respect the Earl more, knowing that he felt shame for even considering a woman other than his fiancée. That was something about him that she could find herself truly appreciating.
“With that in mind, I was certain a quick marriage was best. It would mean that I had not betrayed the woman to whom I had committed myself and I knew that I would always remain faithful to her. I could push away the thoughts of another.
“I would have no other choice. Loyalty has always been a priority for me. I believe that it must be for all good men and women. It is a quality which I have seen demonstrated in you as well.
“But when we sat and I had suggested choosing a date, I saw the panic in her eyes. You departed so rapidly that I was unable to share with you my thoughts any further and you missed the announcement made by Lady Ingles,” he hinted. The look in his eye was one that wished for Victoria to guess at his meaning and to figure out the news for herself.
“The announcement?” Victoria questioned. She thought back to that day and was simply humiliated that she had run off so urgently and foolishly. And yet, she had been glad to be rid of the Earl and his betrothed in that moment which had been so deeply painful. Why she was having to relive it now? She could not help but be bitter for this.
“She broke down in tears, apologising again and again. I speak, of course, of Lady Ingles. I could not understand her reasoning, could not figure out why she was so filled with guilt and shame that left her running around repeatedly in her concern. But finally, she calmed herself enough to confess to me the truth. As my heart had not been faithful to her, nor was hers faithful to me,” the Earl said with a look of sheer joy, despite the seriousness of the thing that he was sharing with Victoria.
“That is how you know?” Victoria asked, hesitantly.
She had not expected Lady Ingles to ever confess, whether out of fear of hurting the Earl or of losing her position in society. It came as quite a shock to know that she had been willing to give it all up just to be honest.
That sort of bravery, even in the midst of unfaithfulness, left Victoria feeling deeply respectful of Lady Ingles. It could not have been an easy decision to make to come clean about an affair in the midst of an engagement. And yet, she had done the right thing.
“Yes, that is how I know. She told me of her love for Mr. Smith. I had known them to be friends, but must confess that I never suspected a romance between them. She also informed me that you kept the secret for her,” he said. But once more, despite the subject matter about which he was speaking, the Earl seemed utterly nonchalant and carefree about this news.
Victoria was anxious then, wondering if he would be angry as she felt he deserved to be. Would he rage at her for her silence? Would he forgive her for the lie? What if he decided to hold this against her? Could his casual behaviour in this discussion be a mere act in order to make her more comfortable before he began to turn on her for her dishonesty?
She certainly deserved it. And if he did that, she could hardly blame him for it.
“I understand, Miss Jamison,” he reassured her without Victoria having to ask. Whether he read her face or simply knew that it must be said, he spoke the very words that Victoria needed to hear.
“Lady Ingles explained to me how she pleaded with you. She told me that she wished for you to protect her reputation, to preserve our engagement, and most of all that you wished for Marian to have a mother. I cannot help but respect your reasoning for the silence,” he told her.
Victoria released a deep breath, relief filling her lungs that he was giving her grace for lying to him, for remaining quiet about something that could so deeply have affected him.
“Thank you for forgiving me for not telling you. I truly believed that I was doing what was best for you and your daughter. My loyalty is always with you. But I understand that this is not the sort of situation in which that was my decision to make. You ought to have been able to decide for yourself if this was the best thing and I kept it from you,” she confessed.
“Miss Jamison, you needn’t worry,” he replied softly. “I do understand. I am not concerned about all of that. For me, there is very little in this world that concerns me at all other than your happiness.”
Victoria was taken aback by these words and she inhaled a shaky breath. She did not deserve this grace. It overwhelmed her, but she knew herself to be undeserving of it.
“Why are you showing me so much kindness when I failed you?” she asked. “Would not most men deem me untrustworthy for not exposing these lies?” she inquired.
“I care not for the actions of most men. I understand why you kept your silence and I shall not punish you for it when you believed it to be the right thing for me. More importantly, you believed it to be the right thing for my daughter,” he continued, adding the last part with intensity.
“I cannot bear to see her without a mother,” Victoria confessed.
And it was true. She wished for little else in all the world than to see Marian given the gift of someone to look out for her as a mother would. Whatever else had happened, whatever might cause the Earl to finally give up on her, she was determined that Marian would have that. She was determined that the young girl would not be alone any longer and that she would not have to fear abandonment in the future.
And while she still was unclear about her own choice that she had made, Victoria felt certain that the Earl knew the importance of giving Marian that very same thing and that he would make sure that it came to pass in one way or another.
