Page 68 of The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess
“Marian, we cannot allow your education to falter. Not even for a day. I know that you are upset. As am I. I do not wish to leave you. I have so much to tell you and I must urge you to listen to me about my leaving,” Victoria insisted.
“I shall hear none of it,” Marian cried stubbornly, clinging to the attitude that had softened under the tutelage of Victoria.
In reply, Victoria knew that she had two choices. She could demand obedience and receive it, meted out with anger and bitterness. Or she could simply hug Marian and hold her until she calmed down. She would then explain everything.
The latter seemed the better option.
Victoria wrapped her arms around Marian and allowed her to weep. It was distressing in every way, but she knew that it was the only solution. Not that it solved any real problems, but it gave a small sense of peace where there had been none before.
“Please don’t go,” Marian whispered. “I promise to be good.”
Victoria felt her heart break all over again. She needed Marian to understand that none of it was her fault. She had promised the Earl that she would clarify that to Marian, but she was desperate to help her to believe it and to know that it was true. She was desperate to be heard and understood.
“Oh, my dear! It is not you who has caused me to leave. You must hear this over anything else. I wish that I could remain just to be with you. I wish that I could remain as your governess, stay and look after you. I wish that I could be here always.
“But something has arisen which forces me to leave. Something beyond my control that I cannot discuss. And I have to ask you to forgive me. Even if you will not, I urge you to remember that it is nothing you have done which has sent me away,” she promised, the tears flowing from her own eyes in reply.
“But I am always left,” Marian sobbed. “I am always left behind and I cannot understand why. If you love me, if my mother loved me, why then am I always abandoned?”
Victoria could not catch her own breath and she felt her tears wet Marian’s dark hair. She could not escape the pain of the child’s words and wished for nothing but the ability to make things right, to convince her that this was not her doing.
“Life is often unfair, my dear. I wish that I could tell you otherwise. I wish that I could say that things always turn out well in the end. But that is not always the case. Sometimes, we are taken before our time. But you shall grow up and have wonderful opportunities in your life. Of that, I have no doubt,” she promised.
“But no one will ever love me like you have,” Marian continued.
“That is not true. Your father loves you dearly. And I feel quite certain that we shall discover for you a tremendous new governess, one that you like. One who makes you happier than I ever could,” she grinned.
But Marian was evidently still not convinced.
“Papa told me that you were leaving. He said that it was not my doing. But he told me that you had to go and that he wanted to stop you but you are nearly as stubborn as I am,” she said.
Victoria laughed. “Then I ought to take that as a compliment because being compared to you is nothing less.”
Marian seemed not to hear the compliment.
“How did your father tell you?” Victoria asked.
“He told me that a situation arose in your life and you had to leave us. He said that you didn’t want to but that you have no choice. But that cannot be true. Papa says we always have a choice about our lives,” Marian insisted.
“Oftentimes that is true. But not always, my dear Marian. And this is one of those rare times. I have no choice in the matter. But you must know that I would stay if I could. If there were any chance at all for us all to be happy with my remaining here, I would not leave you,” Victoria promised.
“Stop saying that. If you meant it, you would remain. But you are leaving and that means that you are choosing to. I do not believe a single word from your lips because you are the one who is leaving me behind and I will never forgive you for it,” Marian insisted.
“That is your choice. If we all have choices, then that is yours. But no matter how I wish it could, it does not change the fact that I have to leave. And I shall never forget you on my journeys away from here. I shall never stop caring about you or wondering how you grow,” Victoria assured her.
Marian glared at her, those blue eyes hot and angry and filled with pools of fresh sadness. She appeared ready to stamp and punch if she needed to. But she held her fists tightly at her side, pulling away from Victoria and looking more hurt than ever, less willing than ever to listen. And all of this was painful to watch, but there was nothing to be done about it.
“When I talked to him about it, I begged him not to let you leave. He said it was not his choice, but I told him that you could not. But he told me again that there was nothing that he could do and it was your decision, not his. But I don’t believe that. I don’t like it. I think that you must stay, must remain with us,” she insisted once more.
“Marian…” she said, slowly, trying to think about how she could say it any other way.
Victoria was at a loss for words by now. She had thought through them all in her mind, had spoken as well as she could aloud, and had been as vague as she was able to be in order to avoid truths and lies.
What more could she say to convince this child that it was not a choice?
“You must stay. Forever and ever!” Marian demanded.
“Must I? If I could, I certainly would. But I have no more ability to determine that than I do anything else. I am at a loss, my dear. I can say nothing to appease you and I understand how difficult it must be for you. But I am ill at ease myself. I am pained at having to depart from you. Never forget that,” she added.
