Page 63 of The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess
“I must. I am very sorry to have upset you, but there is nothing that I can do. This is the only decision that I am able to make at this juncture. I ask that you understand and respect it, despite the sudden nature of it,” she requested as formally as she was able.
“No. You cannot leave. Are you mad? Why would you think that this was acceptable? What has led you to believing that you may come and go as you wish or that you are not needed here? What has happened to cause this decision? You must give an account, some sort of reason for this sudden departure,” he demanded.
“I cannot say, my lord. I understand that it must be frustrating and that noblemen are unaccustomed to such things, but this is how it must be for me at the moment,” she replied, knowing that her statement could easily be taken as disrespectful.
The Earl looked at her, incredulous that she should say such a thing.
“My daughter,” he interjected quickly and suddenly after a moment of quiet. “My daughter loves you. You cannot do this to her.”
Victoria sensed that Marian was an excuse and she was unsure how to respond to that. The Earl was clearly speaking of more than just Marian.
“Your daughter shall do very well with another governess now that she has learned better how to behave. And as I said, I shall ensure that the woman who replaces me is one worthy,” she specified.
“I cannot let you leave. For…for Marian’s sake,” he continued.
She had not expected such a passionate appeal, nor all of these remarks against her leaving. Victoria was surprised that the Earl cared so deeply to contest her leaving. More than that, she was surprised at how he grasped at excuses that seemed to be disingenuous.
“She shall do just fine with a new governess and a new mother,” Victoria replied. She hoped that her tone at the end of the sentence did not convey the bitterness she felt when saying it. Marian’s new mother was a kind woman, but the wrong woman for such a task.
The Earl scoffed, taking Victoria by surprise.
“A new…” he trailed off, unwilling to finish what he had begun to say.
“Forgive me for leaving and departing this way, but as I said, I have very little choice in the matter. My letter contained the extent of my explanation and if you should like to read it over once more, you are welcome to do so. But I cannot remain and I ask that you would respect that and know that it is the right thing for me to do,” she said, firmly.
The Earl shook his head. He looked deeply frustrated at her and appeared as though he was desperate to say more. As if he had something still that he wished to say, to share with her.
But he had heard her insistence and whatever his words might hold, he thought them unfair to speak now.
At least, that was how it appeared to Victoria. And while she had always been fairly capable of observing the behaviour of others and judging it accordingly, she knew that she could not trust herself now. She second guessed the reading and moved past it.
“Marian shall be devastated,” he told her, looking at her with misery in his expression.
“She is strong. She shall move on and live a wonderful life with an excellent family and new governess. I truly believe that the next one shall stick,” she said in a light voice, trying to turn the conversation into a positive one rather than the dregs of what it had been thus far.
“How can you possibly believe that?” he asked.
“Because she has changed. You have said so yourself,” Victoria pointed out.
“Yes, but these past days she has been having fits all over again. If she believes that you left because of her, it shall begin a new terror in her heart. Beyond what she already feels,” he said.
“I have thought of this and I intend to make it very clear to Miss Marian that she has had nothing to do with this decision,” Victoria promised.
“How can you possibly make her believe that? You have yet to tell me your reasoning. If I cannot believe a word from you, how is my daughter to? How can she come to terms with your leaving when even I cannot? Reasons must be given. This is not how an employee leaves a position,” he insisted.
Victoria felt the Earl drifting from one reason to another. He was angry, but he was unwilling to state something. She sensed that there was a deeper thought, a deeper excuse for to wanting her to stay. But he would not say it; rather he searched for other excuses that he might give for why she could not depart.
“As I said, this is not how I would have wished for it to be done. But I have to leave rather suddenly and as a result, this is how it has come to be,” she told him again.
Victoria tried her best to believe that the Earl was truly only worried for his daughter. But it was clear that it was not the case. It was evident that there was more to his feelings than he was willing to say and with every look it became more and more prominent.
And in that moment, Victoria questioned her decision for the briefest of moments. She wondered if she was making a mistake, if she was giving up the only happiness she might ever find in this world that had been so cruel to her.
Surely she could survive in the home. She could handle watching him marry Lady Ingles and seeing the woman be a mother to Marian. She could sit idly by while a marriage took place in which both parties were unhappy but content to know that they had wed for the benefits they both received through the union.
But she pushed those thoughts away. There could be no second guessing her decision. This was best for them all. This was the only way that she could protect herself, and that the Earl and Lady Ingles could marry. This was the only way she could ignore the loyalty and responsibility she had to the Earl.
But the Earl of Hanover rushed towards her in a fit of passion and Victoria was utterly taken aback by the way he placed his hands on her shoulders. He spoke with desperation, looking at her with a deep sense of longing.
