Page 52 of The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess
There was only so much that a woman could do in order to survive. There was only so much that might enable their souls to live.
Chapter 25
Victoria lingered along the edges of the ballroom floor. She had stood near the windows for quite some time but was drawn in, unable to escape the room. If she could have been afforded any fresh air, she might have taken it. But as it was, the room was stifling and it would have been far too noticeable if she vanished.
The Earl had searched for her now and then with his eyes so she was sure that she could not easily escape him, or she would be questioned later on. And if she did try to hide away from the room, she would simply be discovered in another and questioned. After all, she was no longer nobility. She might as well be a servant. And no one would trust her alone in the home.
Victoria exhaled and tried to distract her attentions away from herself.
All along the dance floor, couples twisted this way and that in their mingled dances. Forms and figures moved as one unit. The whole floor was a buzz of humans in a birdlike form.
Amongst them, the Earl and Lady Ingles seemed to float together, linked in arms. It was painful to watch. Deep inside, she felt an agony that it was not her indulging in the movements.
An ache and a longing filled Victoria’s heart. She wondered what it might be like to dance with the Earl. Would it be as wonderful as she imagined? Would he so swiftly turn her as he did Lady Ingles? Would their movements be graceful and charming like this or would her skills have atrophied by now?
She had not used her dancing in such a long time that she figured she would more than likely fall to pieces at the opportunity to actually dance. It was only one more reason that she was frightened of being at the ball. If anyone asked her for a dance, she would be useless. Of course, the only man she wished to dance with was otherwise occupied.
Victoria knew that she had feelings for the Earl that could never be returned. She felt foolish and rather ridiculous that there was still a part of her who could believe that something might ever come to pass between them.
The Earl was engaged, for better or worse. So whatever feelings she had, she knew that they must be shut off as swiftly as possible.
With that in mind, Victoria allowed her gaze to search the floor for another man to look upon. With no desire in her heart for another, a distraction was necessary. She had no intention to enjoy the music or move gracefully with him, but perhaps she could find someone with whom she could enjoy conversation.
To her surprise, Victoria’s eyes did find another man of interest. Mr. Smith was standing in an opposite corner of the room looking back on the floor as she had been. Just as her gaze had found the Earl, the landowner could not take his eyes off Lady Ingles.
Victoria watched him with keen interest, wondering what she might be able to read from his face. Was he bitter? Was he wounded?
As his eyes drifted over the dance floor, it seemed as though he, too, desired to distract himself. In that moment he saw Victoria.
With an expression that seemed to blend between guilt and relief, he slowly made his way around the perimeter of the ballroom. Coming towards her, it was as though Mr. Smith felt that he might finally have someone to speak to about his own sadness.
“Miss Jamison,” he greeted, the despondency present in his expression.
Victoria could not help but feel sorry for him as he also had to watch this display. Not only that, but he was coming over to sit by the woman who had caught him so recently in his shame. Truly, Mr. Smith must have felt quite desperate if he was choosing to speak with her.
“Mr. Smith,” she replied, maintaining a distant tone that she deemed most appropriate for the situation at hand.
“It would seem as though the ball has garnered quite the attendance,” he noted.
“Indeed. Lady Ingles is a very popular woman,” Victoria replied before realising that her words could easily be construed as a remark against her character.
“Oh, I didn’t mean…” she began, but saw that there was no explanation necessary.
“I understand, Miss Jamison. And indeed, she is a woman whose dynamic character easily entrances any who come across her. You must have noted that already and I believe that you have had further interactions with her since that first evening in which you met,” he said.
“Yes, I have. And it is true, she is an engaging woman. There is something in the way that she speaks that lets one know she cares for and understands them,” Victoria agreed.
She wished that none of this were true, but could not deny that it was. No wonder the Earl had chosen to marry her. Even if he did not love her, they would be able to engage one another easily. And she would do a great deal to enhance his reputation as she was so well known for her manner.
“May I speak candidly?” Mr. Smith asked.
Victoria looked at him directly, peeling her eyes from the couple on the floor. With a nod, she agreed, and then followed Mr. Smith to two chairs where they might sit and speak more comfortably.
“First of all, I must apologise for that evening when we met. It was certainly a shock to you and I am ashamed at my cowardice. The way in which I simply ran off was a humiliation. I left Lady Ingles to explain herself and I did not. I believe, in some way, I thought I might vanish quickly enough that you would second guess what it was that you saw,” he told her.
Victoria gave him a knowing look, as if she understood the sort of folly that accompanies such decisions. In truth, her own decision to keep Lady Ingles’ secret had been such a foolish choice born out of a sudden impulse to disappear.
But she knew that Mr. Smith’s explanation was far more important to hear than considering her own. After all, his was a choice that could easily ruin the reputation of the woman that he seemed to care for deeply. And it was one that could bring shame upon his own family as well as that of the Earl.
