Page 48 of The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess
Victoria paused again, hoping that she had the loyalty of her friend as she thought she did. She would have hated to learn later that Miss Franklin was confessing these things to other staff, or even to the Earl or Lady Ingles.
“Well, I must say that I have grown terribly jealous of Lady Ingles. I am thinking back to what my own life might have been like and I see her engaged to the Earl, such a great man. I know that I shall never be afforded such a union with a man like him.
“I am banished from a romance with an upstanding gentleman. And all of that because of the mistakes made by my father,” Victoria said. She hated the sound of complaint in her voice as she admitted these things, but it felt good to get them out, confessing them as if to a priest.
“Do we not all feel jealousy at times?” Miss Franklin acknowledged.
“Certainly, we do. But I could have had this. Not through any merit of my own, but on the basis of who my father was I first had the whole world and now I have nothing. It is unfair,” Victoria said.
“Oh, forgive me,” she continued. “I know I am whining and it is unattractive and wrong. But I cannot help what I feel. I wish I could marry a man who, unlike my father, chose to put his family over his own needs. I see that in the Earl. He does all for his daughter,” she said.
Miss Franklin nodded in agreement, knowing that it was the truth. The Earl did everything he could on behalf of Marian and it was no secret.
“Yes, Miss Jamison, the Earl is an excellent man, far better than most others I have ever known,” Miss Franklin confessed in return.
“Yes, and he puts his daughter over all of his own needs and wants. He has made her his greatest priority over all else. It is unfair,” Victoria said again.
In truth, the thing that was the most unfair was the fact that Lady Ingles was marrying him despite the fact that there was no love between them. How was it right or fair that she might be afforded a marriage to a man she did not love while Victoria could not have love?
How was it fair that an unfaithful woman should still be given the rewards of society, but she was impacted by the unfaithfulness of her father despite having done nothing improper herself? All of it was wrong. That two people who were not in love should marry was wrong. And that she should be stripped of all hope of love was wrong.
“Miss Jamison, you must know by now that you are a wonderful young woman and we all see it,” Miss Franklin began, clearly having something to say although Victoria felt quite certain that she did not want to hear it.
“I believe that you shall find happiness, truly I do,” she continued.
“Thank you, Miss Franklin. I appreciate your kindness. And perhaps one day it shall be true, but if not, I suppose that is the burden I must bear for being the daughter of my father,” Victoria conceded.
“Well, perhaps. But I think you shall not suffer so,” Miss Franklin added.
Victoria saw that there was something more that the housekeeper wished to say and she wondered if she was about to find herself in a great deal of trouble.
“Miss Jamison, forgive me for being so bold, but there is something else that I must address with you. It is something that I can sense you shall be resistant to, but I ask that you keep in mind that I am not here to judge you in any way and I believe you to be a good woman,” she said.
Victoria’s gut turned in hesitation, not wanting this conversation to move forward in any way.
“I can see in your eyes a burden. And I cannot help but wonder if that burden is born out of some sort of secret, Miss Jamison. I have known people to hold secrets in the past and I understand the toll that it can take on a woman. If you should like to get it off your chest, I am here,” Miss Franklin offered.
Victoria was deeply tempted. She could tell Miss Franklin and perhaps Miss Franklin would ensure that the Earl knew the truth about his betrothed. But she had made a promise, despite her own judgment.
Marian needed a mother. Those were the words that had kept her silent thus far and Victoria was determined that they should continue to do so. So she had made a promise and she would keep it, and all for the sake of the fact that Marian was in need of a mother.
“I do not know what you mean,” Victoria replied.
“You are keeping a secret, are you not? Can you not share it with me? Am I not able to understand it and do you feel that you must keep it to yourself always?” Miss Franklin asked, pushing to know the truth.
“I do not know of what you speak but I am sorry to have made you suspicious of me, Miss Franklin. I should ask that you understand and trust me that if I had anything to share then I would. But as it is, I’ve nothing,” Victoria insisted.
It was clear that Miss Franklin did not believe her but Victoria held her ground and refused to speak on the matter further.
“Miss Jamison, I do not mean to press you and if you wish to maintain your secret then I shall have to respect it. But I should like very much for you to share this burden with me and for us to be able to push past it. You ought not to be stuck with something that is weighing you down as this so evidently is,” she continued to push.
Victoria wanted her to leave, but couldn’t say that to her friend. Miss Franklin’s eyes bored into her, as if trying to read her mind, but Victoria kept her face neutral and was unwilling to show any form of emotion.
She would not be drawn into the betrayal of her word. She would keep her promise to a woman she was jealous of, a woman she could not trust. Because Lady Ingles still managed to charm her and more than anything, Marian needed her.
With all of that in mind, all the things that Victoria had been repeating to herself and forcing herself to believe time and time again, she held her ground and waited until Miss Franklin finally gave up and left the room. When she had the space to herself again, Victoria buried her face in the blankets of her bed.
She tried not to allow herself to cry, but there was a deep pain within her at the knowledge of everything that she was missing through her decision to keep the Earl happy by lying to him. She was betraying him as she had betrayed her mother.
