Page 41 of The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess
But Victoria had seen it happen to others. Most young women were not raised with spirit, but even those who had a little were often stripped of it once the search for a spouse began. They had to be made ready for a husband who could not handle too much spirit and it meant letting go of their own.
The Earl nodded and seemed relieved, although he said nothing further for a moment. Victoria wondered if she might be bold once more, saying something she knew could cause hurt.
“My lord, forgive me for having pushed so far. I do understand why this might be difficult for you,” she began.
The Earl looked at her, as if he knew where her train of thought was headed.
But Victoria took the risk regardless.
“Thank you for allowing your daughter this opportunity despite your late wife’s demise,” she said, as carefully as she could.
The Earl’s eyes took on a new appearance and Victoria waited, wondering if she had pushed him too far.
Chapter 19
Reginald was surprised that she would have made that remark, but he could not help feeling a bit of relief at it. The loss of his wife had been terrible and excruciatingly painful. But he had never had much of an opportunity to truly discuss it. Here he was being given an opportunity to be open about all that had happened that day.
Knowing that Miss Jamison was giving him the honour of acknowledging how difficult it was for him was a surprise. He wondered what had led her to braving the subject. But he accepted her praise, grateful that she could note the hardship it was for him to allow Marian this opportunity to ride.
“Thank you. Thank you for seeing why it is difficult for me,” he said to her.
“Indeed, my lord. It must be acknowledged for I cannot grasp what a misfortunate that must have been,” she said.
Reginald was feeling brave as a result of her words. He thought that perhaps he was mad for it, but decided that he would tell her about the accident. After all, there were not many he felt comfortable discussing the event with.
He pulled back a little, allowing his steed to slow and give a wider birth between the two of them and Marian. He did not wish for her to overhear anything. But Miss Jamison followed his lead and they rode evenly once more.
“The afternoon of the accident was…quite difficult. It changed everything for us,” he began, sensing her eyes upon him with shock and curiosity.
Reginald knew that engaging in this discussion would be agony, and for Miss Jamison perhaps it would be uncomfortable, but he was ready. He wanted to tell her about it and he hoped that it would bring him a bit of peace.
Thinking that maybe one day he would be ready to tell Marian the full truth of what had happened, he decided this could be a good practice. He had not spoken about it for a great deal of time so it only made sense that he could share it now, and see how he was able to handle such a difficult discussion.
“A thunderstorm came upon us. I ought to have known that it was coming, but we tried to ride early enough, when the clouds were still in the distance. However, by the time all was readied, it had arrived and we found ourselves in the midst of it. I was sure it would subside. I had no doubts,” he continued.
“But it got worse. The storm only grew more and more threatening. Still, I was determined. You see, that day was her birthday and I had bought her the horse as a gift. I didn’t wish to waste a single moment of my wife experiencing her gift so I urged that we ought to continue. We could wait until things settled down before proceeding, but I was determined we should not go back,” the confession came.
Miss Jamison was silent, listening and respecting him as he spoke.
Reginald allowed his shoulders to sag in memory of what had occurred next. The regret of it all was overwhelming.
“The mare was untrained. She became frantic in the thunder and lightning. It was difficult to control her and my wife was getting frightened. I tried to calm them both, but I was too late. The horse threw my wife from her saddle…”
For a moment he could not speak. Reginald tried to clear his throat of the emotion and the memory. But it was as real as if it were happening before his eyes all over again.
Finally, he gathered himself and looked back at her before continuing.
“My late wife hit her head on a rock. She was fatally injured. I didn’t know it yet, but she was gone to the world.
“In an effort to aid her, I dismounted and rushed to calm the horse and move it out of the way so that I might tend to my wife without seeing her injured further. But the mare reared back, her legs flailing every which way, until she struck my cheek with her hoof,” he explained, a finger tracing along his scar.
Miss Jamison remained silent still, comfortable to let him speak. Reginald felt the weight of the burden lifting as he did so, sharing the tragedy that had struck their family and how he had been the cause of it. His foolish insistence to continue had been the cause of his wife’s loss of life. He felt certain he was to blame, even now.
“I have not ridden since that day, until now. It was my fault for not having been more careful in selecting a horse for my wife. And I was a fool not to have ended the ride once we realised the storm was truly coming fast upon us. It was my own fault for not ending it when she expressed concern,” he said.
He had made every effort to keep the overwhelming emotion at bay, but Reginald could sense that he would not manage to much longer. Breathing through the memory, fighting against the blame he felt, he chose to continue.
“I shall never forgive myself for it. I took my daughter’s mother from her that day. I failed to protect them both. Through a terribly unwise decision, I lost everything and caused Marian to lose something deeply important as well,” he said.
