Page 77 of A Bride for the Icy Duke
Her friend patted her arm. “He has.”
“Good. I can’t keep this charade up for much longer.” Lydia’s shoulders wilted, and she took the glass of wine from Eliza, tossing it back. “He thinks nothing is wrong, and I intend to keep it that way.”
Eliza’s mouth twisted sympathetically. “Why don’t you tell him how you’re feeling?”
“He lied to my face about Helena. And he’s… every so often, it’s like he retreats into himself. I’ve been open with him, and even if I do think he cares for me, I don’t think it’s enough. All this time, he’s been planning this, I’m sure of it. He knows how I feel. What would be the point in telling him?”
Lydia found an empty chair and sank into it. All around her, the ball entered into full swing, couples dancing in the middle of the floor, and the quartet playing from the corner of the room. She had never been in this room during one of her mother’s parties, but she had sometimes sat on the staircase, gazing through the open door at the glitzy lights and swirling couples and wondering what it might be like to be one of them.
Reality rarely lived up to its promise.
“You know, dearest,” Marie began softly, “I do think he cares about you.”
“I do, too,” Lydia murmured, massaging her temples. The wine had not helped the headache that had been coming on all day. “I thought he cared about me enough to put aside his past and learn to be happy with me, but he doesn’t. If anything, he lovesherenough to sacrifice any chance of building a life with me.” She couldn’t help the bitterness that coated every word, and her throat felt as though she had swallowed glass. “How could he?”
“Maybe he is leaving on a business trip?” Marie suggested, her warm, kind eyes soft with concern. “And he’ll be back shortly. Marcus takes them all the time, you know.”
“Marcustellsyou when he is leaving you alone for business,” Lydia pointed out wearily. “Not to mentionhedoesn’t have a lady from his past he is still madly in love with.”
“I thought you said he told you he wasn’t any longer?” Eliza asked.
Lydia raised a hand limply. “So he said, but I can attribute this desire to abandon me again to nothing else. I thought we were turning a new leaf, Lizzie.Happy, Marie. Finally, I thought we were both finding our place in the world, and I’d never seen him like this. But…” She shrugged one shoulder. “I suppose I was wrong.”
“Here,” Eliza whispered, stuffing a plate with a small cake into her hands. “You should eat something before you faint.”
Marie cast her a reproachful look. “Cake won’t solve anything. We need to make a plan.”
“Thereisno plan,” Lydia finished. “I am not going to fight to make him stay with me ifhedoesn’t want to.”
“So what are you going to do?” Marie asked, concern etched across her features. Of course—her friends all had people who loved them now, and they wanted her to have the same. But she ought to have known when she stood by the pond all those years ago that she would never find love like that.
Together, Alexander and Helena had convinced her to have hope, but even then—even when she instantly fell in childish love—he was in love with someone else.
She went to London with her father and never found anyone who would make her happy. The baron was a good man, but not one filled with passion, and not for her. Then, at the death of her father, she had married a duke whose heart belonged to another.It had always belonged to Helena, and nothing Lydia could do would change that.
She could wish, she could hope, but reality would not bend its will for her sake.
And she should haveknown.
“I need some air,” she said, looking around the ballroom once again. Familiar yet unfamiliar. And so filled with people, she felt their presence smother her. “If Alexander asks where I am, tell him I have returned home.”
“Do you want a carriage?” Marie offered. “I can send you back if you like.”
“In time.” Lydia forced a wan smile. “Tonight, I just need time and space. Not dancing and music.”
“I can—” Eliza started.
“It’s all right. Spend time with Mr. Godwin. Please.” She leaned in and kissed both her friends on the cheek, and then she walked away, putting her glass on a nearby footman’s tray. As she walked through the crowd, she felt her cares lift from her shoulders.
All she needed was time and space. Everything would be better once she gave herself time to heal. Everything healed with time.Even the memories of her mother in this house, for all the times she felt haunted by the past.
Now, she just felt her mother’s gentle hand on her shoulder.
She walked down the familiar hallway to the door, a path she had trodden a thousand times as a child. But instead of venturing out into the rain, she turned left, seeking the library. Once there, she stood amongst the books, feeling four-and-twenty and thirteen all at once, her past and present selves colliding in this space.
How much she had loved it here…
She trailed her fingers along the spines of the books, and although the grief clawed at her chest, she refused to let it in. Not yet. She would wait just a little longer. Now she had accepted Alexander’s leaving in her heart, now she had given up any chance of winning him back, she felt an odd sort of peace, and she wanted to hold onto that as long as she could.
