Page 62 of A Bride for the Icy Duke
“Do you think you would have changed your mind?” Lydia asked softly.
“No,” Alexander answered honestly. “I think I loved her too much for that. And even if I stopped loving her as much, Ihad given her my word, and that mattered more than a passing fancy. I think if we had married, we would have contrived to be happy together.”
Lydia’s face tightened, and he wondered how she felt, hearing about his former love and the expectations he had for her.
“I suppose I cannot compete with her,” she breathed after a moment. “Because she is memory and I am flesh and blood.”
“The living can never compete with the dead.” Alexander took her hand again, holding it in both of his. So small and delicate. “She died not a year later, and I vowed I would never marry another lady. In part from grief and guilt, and in part to spite my father, who considered her death to be a blessing in disguise. I never forgave him for that.”
“And you became Duke…”
“I did. I ended up with the power to make my own choices, but the only choice I wanted to make was taken from me.” He took a deep breath. “And so I turned to… laudanum. A physician prescribed it to help me sleep, and after taking it daily for some time, it became a crutch. A…necessity. I lived for years in a daze. I-I don’t have memories. When I met you, I was in the midst of my addiction. I could not have been a husband to you then, even if I had wanted to.”
“But you didn’t,” she murmured, sounding more curious than hurt. “Because of how you felt about marriage.”
“Your father asked me on his deathbed to provide for you by marriage. How could I refuse?” Especially knowing, as he did, thathehad been the reason behind her father’s death.
There had been no means for him to escape that request, and so he had done his duty as far as he was able.
“I quit laudanum shortly before arriving here,” Alexander continued when she said nothing. “I suppose it was more than time. I told myself that I would annul the marriage and work on repairing my life as best I could. Be the duke my people needed me to be.”
“Sans wife.” Her lips curved in a small, humorless smile, but she slid her hand in his. “Are you ashamed?”
He knew she referred to his laudanum addiction. “Yes. What sort of man indulges in such weakness? Brandy eases it somewhat, but not enough.” Nothing was enough. “I suspect I will never stop wanting it. That is my burden to carry, Lydia.”
“It can beourburden,” she pressed softly. “All you have to do is trust me to be there.”
He looked down at the top of her head, tortured all over again. She said that now, knowing some of it. She knew he had been dazed and half out of his mind when he’d met her for the first time, but she didn’t know it had been on the anniversary of Helena’s death, and that he was wandering the streets lost and alone when he accidentally stepped in the way of the viscount’s carriage.
She didn’t know that he had been the single reason behind her father’s death. That, yes, he had asked Alexander to take care of his daughter, but Alexander wouldn’t have listened if it weren’t for the fact that he was the sole person responsible for her plight.
She saw him as some kind of savior… but he had been the one to condemn her.
Would she be there if she knew everything?
“Trust me,” she breathed, and then she was over him, sliding one knee over his thighs and cupping his face in her hands. “I want to be here. I want to make this work. I wantyou…”
He gripped her hips. Heoughtto let her go, forhersake more than his. If he stayed, he needed to tell her the truth, but he couldn’t bear to tell her that truth, so he ought to leave.
It was the only conclusion that made sense.
The guilt bore down on him, even as his body responded to her proximity. His body had always been the first thing to betray him, reminding him how good it felt to have a woman, flesh and blood, in his arms.
And not just any woman.Lydia. He could love her if given the chance, he knew it.
He released a long breath.
“Lydia,” he sighed.
“Alexander.”
“What are you thinking?”
“What amIthinking?” She chuckled gently. “I am thinking we are here, in a bed, and I know of nothing else I would like to do today.” Her eyes drifted half shut, heavy-lidded, and he hardened underneath her at the implication. “I am… thinking, we should take advantage of the time we have and see if we can distract your mind from your cravings.”
She had begun to be his new craving. Still, he had to ask. “Are you certain that’s what you want?”
“Do you not?” Her gaze flashed to his, the lust in them fading as she frowned. “Because of Helena, do you not—”
