Page 51 of A Bride for the Icy Duke
She had seen glimpses of the man she had first formed atendrefor, and in having him touch her the way he had, she had yielded parts of herself to him. What had begun as a power play in which she felt as though she was the victor had turned into something far different.
Hehad emerged the victor, and she had been forever changed.
Yet there had been, for a moment, a time when she had thought their experiences together had touched him as much as they had touched her. As though he had been shocked by the sheer force of his reaction to her.
Perhaps it truly was a physical itch for him, easily scratched by another lady.
The thought felt a little too sharp to easily swallow.
“Well?” he prompted. “I wanted to apologize.”
“You may do so now, if you wish.”
He sighed. “I am sorry. The way I approached the subject—we ought to have discussed these things in advance.”
“You mean your disinclination to get me with child?” The hurt coalesced in her throat. “I’m good enough to bed, but not good enough to be the mother of your children. Is that right?”
She heard the way his jaw snapped together. “If that were the case, I would be far more free with my favors.”
“Excuse me?”
“The reason I don’t want to sire a child at this present moment in time has nothing to do with you.”
“You are a duke; is that not the main thing you want from a wife?” A wife who was nother, it seemed.
“In time, yes. But not now. Not yet.”
She thought again of the way he had looked when he’d stepped out of the bath. The unsettling feeling that he was suffering something she could not touch.
“Then why?” she whispered. “Explain it to me.Please.”
He dragged a hand through his hair. “My father was not a good man. And as of now, I am also not a good man. I would not wish a child of mine to endure what I had to.”
“And what did you have to endure?”
“Neglect, mostly. A man more consumed by his love of drinking and his title than his own flesh and blood. Anything I wanted, he opposed, largely because he wanted to believe himself more powerful.”
Despite herself, her heart clenched in sympathy. “You don’t have to be a man like that…”
“Am I not already?” He gave a harsh laugh. “I am not—I am not the man I ought to be, Lydia. You are paying the price of that. I’m sorry.”
“Then can you not change?”
“Change is not as easy as you’d suppose.” He stopped as what appeared to be a shiver overcame him. His teeth clenched together. “Some days are easier than others.”
“Tell me what it is. Maybe I can help.”
“There is nothing anyone can do that will help. This is my problem, and I must overcome it alone.”
“You’re being ridiculous!” she snapped.
Although she couldn’t see him in the dark, she could practically feel his raised brow. “Oh?”
“You may not have ever wanted me, but I am your wife. You accepted that earlier, whether or not you want me to bear your children. Of everyone in the world, I am best equipped to help you, because we are joined in the eyes of the law, and I am yourpartner. If I can’t fix whatever ails you suffer, at least let me stand by you and bear them with you! That is what a wife is supposed to do! Or did you think that you could sit at the top of your ivory tower and martyr yourself?”
Her voice rose in her indignation. “If you don’t want me, why have you not sent me away already? Why did you come back and let me get closer to you? Why did youtouch meif you were so set against me having any sort of part in your life?”
“Because you wanted it!” he exclaimed simply. “And so did I. Against my will, I cannot stop myself, andthatis why I took everything you offered me. And it’s why we’re here, on the way to an obligation I fabricated. It’s why we will return home tonight, and I will find ways to delay your departure still further.” He drew in a ragged breath. “And it’s why, even though neither ofus chose this, I hate knowing that I hurt you, even if it was unintentional.”
