Page 114 of Healed
Remi leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together. “I fought to keep myself under control, but everywhere I looked was what I wanted, in someone else’s home. Not their females, but their situations. Brandt has Tempest and they have their baby on the way. Christian hasAddie and she’s moved to his apartment in New Orleans until he finishes his residency and they can settle closer to home. Havoc and Analise, Barron and Emmalyn, Hellen and Lucien. Even Kiernan and Abby and their kids. I was surrounded. Everywhere I looked was peace, love, home, shelter, sanctuary, except for me. And Bailey wouldn’t even speak to me.”
“Did you really try?” Avaleigh asked.
Remi thought about it, then shook his head. “No, I denied everything she asked about, hell bent on forcing things to the vision I still held onto desperately. Even while Cristie was here, patiently giving me the opportunity to reexamine my choices. To consider all angles, but I refused to see anything other than the perfect path I’d forced into being for months. Cristie left without another word because I ignored her. Bailey cut me loose as she should have in no uncertain terms, and I spiraled. I resented everyone that had what I didn’t. My chest would ache and burn, making it all I could do not to unleash my rage anytime I saw anyone exhibiting any kind of love between themselves and their mates.”
“Remi,” Avaleigh said.
“I mean, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t have what they did? I did all the things I was supposed to. I was a good son. Since I was a little boy, I’ve always tried to be so good so you’d know how much I appreciated the love, and the life you both gave me. I’ve never, not one time turned my back on any of our family that needed help, whether they asked for it or not. I’ve never said no a single time to anybody. Something needs to be done… I’ll do it! I got it! So, why am I the only one f… screwed out of a life bond with my mate? With the mate I was born for? Why? And it hurt so bad to realize that maybe I’d been bad all along. Maybe that’s why my birth mom didn’t survive. Maybe that’s why my aunt hated me so much. Maybe I was bad even back then, and no matter what I did, no matter how dependable,how helpful, grateful, kind, anything else good that I tried to do, it didn’t matter because I was born bad. So, I started drinking. And when I was sober a few hours later, I drank more. And more. And more, and when I was finally numb, I thought. I can do this. Keep it numb and I got this. But I still saw what I wanted each time I looked at my clan mates, and it still hurt so freaking bad. I’m told there were women, I don’t even remember. Seems like there might have been — it’s foggy. But then I found someone who seemed to think I was everything.” He raised his gaze to Daniel and then to Avaleigh. “And she was as bad as I thought I was, so, we fit. And I just drank more and jumped in with both feet.
Didn’t take long for Brandt to try to talk some sense into me. He tried, he really did. And he tried to keep it all from y’all and everybody on this side of the clan. In retrospect, he was protecting me, or trying to just as steadfastly as I was refusing to save myself.”
Remi sat quietly for a few minutes, his hands scrubbing at his face, before slowly falling away. “Then Cristie found me, hiding out in the woods with some people who didn’t give a damn what I did or didn’t do. Their parts of society had forced them out, too. I thought I belonged there. But she made me question who I was. Who I’d always been. She reminded me of what she always knew me to be, even before the mate instinct roared to life. And she was right. She was right about everything she said.”
Remi huffed a sharp laugh. “She pulls no punches. And she was exactly the right person to call me on my shit, because I’ve never pretended with her. Not for an instant. Whoever I was, whoever I am, I’ve always been completely transparent with her. And where you would have forgiven me, so I felt I could feel sorry for myself a little longer and justify it, Cristie wasn’t going to take that for an answer. She was all, ‘I’m here. I seeyou. I saw what you were and I see what you are, and what the hell are you thinking? Where is the integrity that I know lives inside you? Where is the man that everyone looks up to? I’m so disappointed in you. I thought more of you. But no more. You’ve dug this hole, I’m letting you lie in it. But call your mother before you completely disappear because she deserves more. And oh, by the way, did I say I cannot believe what you’ve allowed yourself to become? Oh, I did? Okay, good. Because again, I’m so disappointed in you.”
Remi laughed bitterly. “When your best friend, the person who knows you intimately, and has watched every step of your life, the only person other than your parents that you’ve always known you could be yourself with, tells you what a failure you’ve become, and how much you’ve fucked up, it’s hard not to listen.”
“You’re not a failure, Remi. You just decided to take the easy way out, no matter who you hurt in the process. You can fix you, though. You’re one of the few that is strong enough.”
Remi’s head jerked up at the sound of Cristie’s voice.
She was standing in the archway leading into the hallway his and Angelle’s bedrooms were in, wearing a pair of pajama pants and a tank top.
“I didn’t know you were here,” Remi said, careful to keep his voice even and calm.
“I didn’t want you to know I was here,” Cristie said. “I’ve gotten really good at that.”
Remi nodded and smiled sadly. “I’m sure you have.” He sat there between his parents, waiting for Cristie to say something else, but she didn’t. He wasn’t surprised, he knew she’d never make any of his efforts to reclaim what he’d once been easy. “Thank you for coming. Thank you for finding me and being so brutally honest with me. I don’t think I’d have heard anyone but you. I was just trying to explain to my parents what I was feeling. Not justifying my actions, because there is no justification. But Iwanted them to at least have an idea of why I just… quit. That’s what I did. I quit.”
Cristie nodded. “I heard.” She tapped the side of her nose. “No lies there.”
“I am sorry for all the trouble I caused. For all the pain I caused, and if you’ll allow me, I’ll make it up to you. All of you,” Remi said. “I’ve been such a fool. I’m embarrassed by my behavior. I’m embarrassed that everyone I cared about was witness to it. I have a lot of amends to make. But it’s you, Mom and Dad, that I owe the biggest apology to. I’m so sorry. I’ll never be able to take away the worry, the concern, or the humiliation I caused you in front of everyone else in our clan, but I’ll try. I’ll never stop trying.”
Avaleigh hugged him, while Daniel rested his hand on Remi’s shoulder, squeezing supportively.
“I know I can’t fix things with a single conversation. My actions will speak for my intentions over time, and I hope one day you’ll see the sincerity behind them.”
“I’m sure we will,” Daniel said.
“But if you start to slip again, I’m sending Dad to yank you up!” Avaleigh said with a half-serious, half-joking tone in her voice.
“Deal,” Remi said.
Cristie didn’t say anything, and it suddenly became very awkward between Remi and Cristie.
Avaleigh and Daniel shared a knowing look, then Avaleigh, who was still half-hugging Remi, patted his back like a mother will. “Are you hungry, baby? Can I get you something to eat?”
“I haven’t eaten in a few days, Mom. I’m not sure how that’d go over,” he said honestly.
“I understand. Something simple. Scrambled eggs, toast. Maybe a little breakfast sausage, maybe not,” Avaleigh said.
“Sure, I’ll try,” Remi said.
“I’ll help you,” Daniel said, patting Remi’s shoulder before he stood up and went into the kitchen with Avaleigh.
“I’m going to pack my things,” Cristie said. “You’re here, and that was my goal.” She turned away from the living room but only got a few feet away before Remi stopped her.
“Cristie? I’m so sorry. I know I’m a far cry from the person you trusted implicitly, but I’m still me. That guy is still in here somewhere.”
