Page 56 of Pretty Broken Wings
Everything is spiraling. I get in my car, and it takes everything I have not to slam the door.
“Hey, honey, how’d it go?” Mom asks in that kind voice of hers. It makes my eyes prickle unexpectedly.
Damn Mom and her compassion. I don’t need compassion. I need berating. I failed. I failed my case, and Raven played me. For a second there, I thought Raven really hated Axel. And yet, here we fucking are.
The drive home is a blur, but it’s not because I can’t see. All those emotions that I typically ball up so tightly are trying to break free.
Once I get home, I thank Mom for the ride and practically fall out of the car. When I push open the front door, Buddy is there on the other side, sniffing to greet me. She jumps up and downlike a puppy, and I admire her soft gray color. Fuck, it’s good to see again. Buddy’s paws thud on the floor, and her nails make little clicks.
I wonder what color Raven’s eyes are? It was dark when I dropped her off that one night. I remember the silence from her side of the car. Only it wasn’t pure silence. She sucked in quick, tiny breaths.
I wonder what she sounds like when sheisn’tafraid.
I jerk those thoughts to a halt.
I don’t care about Raven. She fucked with me, then fucked with my brother. That’s unforgivable.
Buddy looks past me, out into the front yard.
“What?” I turn, looking outside. There’s no one there.
I try to shut the door, but she just stands stiffly, her tail up and wagging slightly.
“It’s just me.” I gently move my dog enough to shut the door. Buddy hangs her head and lets her tail drop.
I crouch down to check on her. It’s so unusual for her to act like this. Is she feeling okay?
Buddy snuffles at my bag, sniffing my papers, and her tail starts wagging again.
Is she… Did she think Raven was coming?
I stand up quickly, some part of me upset. But just as quickly as I think that, I realize I’ve also been catching whiffs of Raven all day, like some kind of goddamn addict.
Fucking hell.
This is obsessive. I’m done thinking about her. About what she’s doing. About the possibility that she might be fucking my brother…
Fucking Christ! I let Buddy out the back door to do her business. I see that the sunflower seeds I’ve set out are gone. I refill the tray and check the quarters.
They’re still there.
I sigh.
Poe, the raven I nursed back to health so many years ago, still returns to my mom’s house every once in a while. Mom says she doesn’t come around a lot, but I wish she could find me again. She was always the most gentle soul—with me anyway. She’d never come around anyone else. Looking into her eyes, I knew she could understand far more than I had originally thought. Because I was fourteen and dumb, I brought her shiny things, only realizing later that ravens like them because they think we like them. She brought me a thimble once, and I still have it.
I think about throwing it away. What does it matter anymore? Why the hell do I even bother?
Like a robot, I feed Buddy, who wolfs down her food quickly.
“No, eat slow!” I roll my eyes. Can’t get this dog to slow down to save my life. I wonder if Raven’s ever had a dog? She has had to. Buddy loves her.
A knock at my door interrupts my plans, and Buddy and I turn to the door. The knock is violent, and I rush to open it.
Axel pushes his way inside, breathing heavily.
“What?” I step back, taking him in. His face is red, and his fists are bunched at his sides.
“She had no food.”
