Page 43 of Havoc
Chapter TwentyThree
Chrissy
“I try to sleep,
But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me A thousand more regrets unraveling” - Backstreet Boys
Empty.
It’s the only way to describe how I feel. Nothing is inside me.
There’s no sadness, no fear, no emotions.
Just quiet.
People have come and gone but if I block them out I don’t need to deal with their questions. There doesn’t need to be any explanations. No memories, no telling what happened.
Just quiet.
That’s when I hear it. The laugh of a child.
I look to the end of the bed and see Shaina. “Aunt Kissy, you look sad so I tell you funny story.” She walks around my bed and sits in front of me crossing her legs. “Carter said I no beat him in superheroes. I poked him in the pee pee with my sword and I beat him.” Her smile is so big. “I win!” The big smile on her face reminds me of Amy when I used to visit the house. She was always so excited to see me.
A sharp pain hits my chest and I cry out. Shaina jumps and gets off the bed. Everything comes rushing back in a wave. The memories, their cries, the sight of Johnny fallen beside his inconsolable sister.
“Mommy!” I hear Shaina call.
I hear more voices but they are quiet compared to the screaming in my head.
The sounds of the sudden silence to Amy’s crying. The deafening silence because of her father.
I feel a set of arms around me and I fight against them.
“It’s me Chrissy, clam down.” I know it’s Rock’s voice but I can’t convince my body that it is.
I thrash and push against his hold as he lays next to me holding me against him. Knowing I can’t win I stop fighting against him and succumb to the sobs I’ve been holding in for what seems like years.
He doesn’t try to quiet me. He lets me scream and cry the entire time just holding me in his arms.
It feels like forever until the tears stop and dry up. My chest hurts from heaving, my throat is raw, and my eyes feel so swollen it hurts to open them.
“You’re safe. I got you, babe,” Rock whispers in my ear and a small part of my body believes him and relaxes. He repeats the same thing and more of me melts against him. He says it again and again, each time a little more of me becomes less tense. I feel my eyes getting heavy as the emotional exhaustion sets in.
***
When I wake up I’m wrapped in Rock’s arm, my entire body warm from his heat. I lay here thinking about everything that happened and I can’t help but blame myself. How did I not see how crazy Joe was?
Was he hurting them in ways I couldn’t see? Did he just put on a show for me? Were Johnny and Amy begging for me to see what was really going on?
“Hey.” Rock’s arms tighten around me. “How are you feeling?”
It such a simple question with no simple answer. “Terrible.”
It’s all I say but it’s really all I need to.
“What can I do?” His voice is almost pleading with me.
“Nothing.” My voice is empty. “What I saw I can’t forget. It was my fault too. I caused all of this.”
Rock lifts my chin so I’m looking at him. “No. You cannot put the crazy actions of that lunatic on your shoulders. You had no idea and he made sure of that. You told me about this family a few times. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault.” He emphasizes each word.
“I wish I could believe that. I can’t get their faces out of my mind. I crashed the car hoping to help them get away. That only pissed him off more though.” I shake my head thinking I should have told them to run once they were out of the car.
“If you hadn’t done that all of you would have died where his wife did. I heard what he told you.” Rock pulls me closer. “You did all you could.”
I wish that were true.
