Page 34 of Breaking Free (Guarded Hearts)
“No.” I look up at Nicole. “Don’t youdareblame yourself for the way that asshole acted.Hisshit is what ended the relationship,notyours.”
While I know she might be right, I can’t accept it. If I wasn’t as screwed up as I am, Drew and I might have been able to make it work.
“So, I know you might not be up for this, Holly, but I would really like it if you came with us today.” I think back as to what the heck today might be. “My wedding dress and the bridesmaids’ dresses finally came in.”
Shit.I don’t want to be an asshole and say no but I also don’t want to ruin her day. “Honestly, I think me and my love hating self will stay home. Right now, I hate love and any symbols of it and I don’t want to go psycho on the dresses.” I can tell she’s disappointed, but I also know if I go it won’t be much better.
“Okay, I understand.” I know she does, too. Madison is just like that—selfless, caring, and understanding.
“You want me to stay here with you?” Christen looks over at me.
I shake my head. “You guys go. I won’t be much company, and honestly, I just want to drown my sorrows. I think the best way to do that is some wine and some Channing Tatum.” That’s exactly what I do.
I’m perfectly content, halfway through my second bottle of Moscato, and watching Magic Mike when my phone goes off.
Drew: I’m so fucking sorry
What the heck am I supposed to say to him? I don’t care that he’s sorry. I hate him for the way that he treated me.
Drew: Please talk to me.
No. I can’t. Even being thousands of miles away from him, hestillhas a hold on me. I can’t talk to him or Iwillgive in and I don’t want that.
He calls and I send it straight to voicemail, but not surprisingly, he leaves a message. I delete it before I am tempted to listen to it. Then I decide maybe he needs to understand how serious I am.
Me: I don’t think that you get that I am done with you. I hate you for what you did and the way you treated me. I hate you for making me feel safe when I wasn’t. I hate that I let myself trust you, only for you to turn around and crush me. Leave me alone. I don’t ever want to see you, or hear from you again.
By the time I’m done typing, I’m a mess. Wine and movies are not going to fix this; the only thing that will give me any relief is passing out. I cry myself to sleep, hating the situation that I’m in and hating the fact that I’m too weak to deal with it.
I wake up in Drew’s bed in the middle of the night. He isn’t next to me but I hear voices.
“Thanks man, I owe you.”
“Have fun.”
I can hear footsteps retreating downstairs and then the door opens. That’s when I see the last person in the world I thought I would ever see again. Chris. He’s smiling at me in a way that makes my skin crawl.
“I told you I would have you, that you were mine.” He lunges for me but I jump off the bed.
“Drew!” I scream for him. I wish I was strong and could handle this myself, but I’m not. I need him.
“He isn’t coming to save you.”
He lunges for me again and this time he catches my leg as I try to move away from him. Before I know it, he’s on top of me and holding my hands above my head.
“Now let’s finish what I started last time.”
I wake up out of breath and sweating.
They’re back. Just great.
Chapter Thirteen
This past month has been absolute fucking hell. Drew called and texted constantly the week after we broke up. He must have finally gotten the hint because I haven’t heard from him at all this past week. The wedding is tomorrow, and as I look in the mirror, I take in how horrible I look. My eyes have huge bags under them because sleeping has now become impossible. The dreams are back on a nightly basis, but the worst part is that some of them have Drew in them and it’s like a knife to my heart.
I’ve lost at least ten pounds because I’ve had absolutely no appetite. I need to at least make an effort to look presentable tomorrow so I decide to take a shower. For the first time since leaving Drew, I try to be happy. I know I’m not doing the best job at it but it’s a huge step from what I’ve been doing. Nicole caught me last night and went nuts on me. I have been Googling his name and then reading every article and examining every new picture. I’m slowly driving myself insane, but I need to see him, even if it’s only on a computer screen.
As I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, I vow to try to start living again, even knowing that I will be doing it alone.
