Page 33 of Chaos (Deathstalkers MC)
I kiss him again pouring all the love I have for him into it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tracie
Torch pulls away from me. “I showed you mine. Now show me yours.”
I look down, every inch of me screaming to run and hide. I can’t though. I need to tell him everything. It’s the only way for this to really work. “Okay. What do you want to know?”
“For starters, where did this whole ‘I can’t date bikers’ thing come from? Was it that night?” His hands are still on my hips.
I move away from him. I now understand why he wanted his space as he went through his story. “No, it was before then. The night my parents died, my mom and I just had a conversation about the kind of boy I should try to find. She had found me flirting with one of the prospects and took me into one of the rooms to talk. She said as much as she loved my dad, she didn’t want this life for me. That as happy as she was, there were times when she could feel so lonely. It was one of the last things she said to me. I always felt getting involved with a brother would be like betraying her, so I tried to date normal guys. I tried to find a guy that had a good family and nice job like she said, and I hated them all. Every inch of me is a part of this life and I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I’ve had nightmares that I die on the back of a bike the way she and my dad did, and I can hear her saying that she tried to warn me.”
Tears start to fall from my eyes.
I miss my parents so much.
“I know that if your mom saw that none of those guys made you happy she wouldn’t have wanted you to force it. I’m sure now all she wants for you is to be happy.” His voice is softer and I nod as I let his words sink in knowing that they’re true.
“Was that all you wanted to know?” A hopeful part of me wishes that he’ll say yes, but knows that he won’t.
His throat clears. “I know that there’s a lot you aren’t saying about what happened that night. You told us all the bare minimum that night with Lucy. I can feel it standing between us. Sometimes I’ll catch a flash in your eyes and I know that you’re remembering and it kills me. If the fucker wasn’t already dead, I’d drain the last breath from him myself.”
I pace needing to move if I’m going to be able to talk about the devil who haunts my nightmares. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I would ever be okay. I know a lot of you just thought I was a moody teenager. I spent every single day in my room with the door locked, hiding in the shower. I was convinced he would get out early, that he would come back for me. I couldn’t let a man touch me and for the longest time I teared up anytime one looked at me in that way. I tried to have sex with one guy I was dating a few months ago and I went home and cried for hours after. Anytime I was in close contact with a guy I would panic. He made sure that he marked me in every way he could that night. He had drilled it into my head that brotherhood would trump any loyalty that was held to me. That it would be my word against his and he would win.” Tears start to fall and I hate that he can still pull these emotions from me after all this time.
“When he came back and Lucy said that he had hit on her, it made me physically sick. I knew he wouldn’t care that she was Whip’s old lady. You guys were all in church though and we couldn’t get to you, then he caught up to her and everything exploded.” My hand runs through my hair. “I think the best day of my life was when Shooter confirmed that he had been killed. It meant that even though I couldn’t get rid of him in my head I didn’t have to worry about him coming back for me. I hated that he put fear between me and the people I cared about.”
I turn to face Torch. “I pushed you away for all those years out of fear. My fears because of what Viper did to my body and mind. My fear of betraying my mother and disappointing her. I lived my life for everyone but me all those years. The day I said yes to you was the first time I actually did something for me.”
I walk closer to him unable to tear my eyes away from the man who spent years waiting for me. There were plenty of respectable girls interested in Torch. Girls who would have made good old ladies. He turned them all away. “Why did you wait for me?”
His hands cup my face. “Because I knew that when you finally let me in, let me have you, that it would be the most mind blowing thing I’ve ever experienced. I knew that you were meant for me, you just weren’t ready to see it yet. You needed time and I knew that you would be worth the wait.” His lips brush my jawline. “I was right, Trace. You were worth every minute of it.”
I crush my lips to his needing to feel him against me. I need him to understand how much I care about him. I pull myself tight against him. We pull apart and I rest my head in the crook of his neck.
“God, I love you.” I sigh.
The both of us freeze at my admission.
I didn’t mean to let that slip out. It is way too soon for me to have said that to him. Sure, we’ve known each other for years, but we’ve only been a couple a short amount of time. He’s gonna run.
I know he is.
I pull my head back to look at him.
His thumb strokes my cheek. “I have loved you since your birthday two years ago. You were supposed to go out with one of those idiots, but you came home early. I was the only one at the clubhouse. Do you remember?”
I nod. I couldn’t forget that night. It was the first time I saw him as more than one of the brothers.
A knock at my door makes me jump.
I swipe the stray tear from my face. Tonight was supposed to be amazing. I had a date with Billy. I thought that he would have had all these plans for my birthday. It is the first time I’ve ever had a date on my birthday.
Shooter and most of the guys are on a run so we are all celebrating when they get back tomorrow. I thought that at least my boyfriend would maybe get me a cake, sing happy birthday, something. He didn’t even have any idea that it was today, even though I had mentioned it last week. That showed me how important I was to him.
I don’t even know why I try. I swear sometimes I think I’m destined to be alone. Every single try at a relationship I have is a major fail.
The knock sounds again. I realize that I completely forgot about it. I open the door to see Torch standing there. What the hell could he want?
