Page 83 of The Estate
Rachel’s breath froze as she thought over the past few weeks with Cal. Lisa was right. She’d been waiting for the monster to show his true colors. But he hadn’t, because Cal wasn’t her sister’s abusive ex. He was a great guy, but a part of her had been secretly painting him with the same paintbrush.
And yes, she could now see how her actions with her sister were driven by the guilt she still carried. Everyone was right—that wasn’t her burden to carry. It wouldn’t be easy to put thatweight down, but damn if she wasn’t going to start trying to do that right now.
Looking at both her friends, she said, “You’re right. You and my sister. But more so than that. I think…”
She broke off as she searched for the right words. Looking down at her outfit, she brushed some lint off of her sleeve. Now that the door had been kicked open, her mind was racing as she observed her life with fresh eyes, questioning things she thought and believed. She didn’t have all the answers, but she had a path that she could see now.
“I think I need to see myself differently.”
Lottie reared her head back in surprise. Whatever she had expected Rachel to say, it wasn’t that. “Why is that?” she asked.
“I think I’ve been telling myself a story about who I am, and I’m not sure if it’s true anymore, or if it ever was.” She paused, looking for the words to say what she felt. “These weeks working with Cal… they’ve felt different. I’ve felt different.
“Spending time with him has shown me just how much of my true self I’ve kept under wraps. I think Lisa and Jess are right that fear has played a sizeable portion in that.
“Somewhere along the way I told myself I needed to be a certain type of person. Look and act in a certain way and that would keep me… safe. Those are the walls I use to protect myself.
“And Cal… I feel like he sees me. The real me behind the person I’ve constructed and shown to the world. Working with him has certainly been challenging but he’s also helped me be more confident and more open. He’s made me feel safe and seen, and I’m not sure when was the last time I felt that way.
“Now, don’t get me wrong,” she shook her head. “That scares more than a roller coaster on a full stomach.”
“But...” Lisa prompted.
“But,” Rachel repeated. “I’m changing the story about who I am, and I want my outside to reflect that.”
Looking at the confused faces of her friends, her shoulders slumped, “Sorry. I sound insane. I’m not explaining this very well.”
Lisa held up a hand. “Hey, as long as it makes sense to you, that’s all that matters. Whatever you need we’re here for you.”
Lottie still looked uncertain. “Is this the part where you go get the guy? Cause I’m all in for that.”
Rachel laughed along with her friends but sobered quickly. “I wish, Lottie. But as much as I like Cal, there’s no going back. You saw the whole horrid thing. I yelled at him and accused him of being the worst human being. I can’t recover from that.”
“Pffft.” Lottie dismissed her with a wave of her hand, earning a smile from Rachel. “You both said some things you regret. That doesn’t mean it’s over. It just means you need a plan to get back in the game.”
“A plan?” Rachel hated the spark of hope that came alive. It meant she had to try, or she’d regret it later. It meant… “I need a plan,” she said firmly.
“Now we’re talking,” Lisa said rubbing her hands together.
“You’ll help me?” Rachel asked.
“Of course,” Lisa replied. Looking over at Lottie. “You in?”
“Absolutely!”
“Okay,” Rachel said her mood finally lifting. There were numerous things to consider, but she knew she had to try. “I haven’t a clue how to fix everything, but I think I know one thing. Well maybe a few things but the first thing I need is Jess’ help to pull off something.”
Lottie bounced in her seat, clapping her hands. “Oooohhh! Like a big gesture?! Tell me it’s an utterly romantic, heart-on-my-sleeve, romantic gesture!”
A smile tugged on Rachel’s lips as her heart lifted. Leave it to Lottie. “Yes,” she confirmed. “Let’s call it a grand gesture on my part. Let me shoot Jess a text and then, I need your help too if I’m going to pull off what I think I want to pull off by when I need to pull it off.”
“Pull off what you think you want to pull off by when to pull it off,” Lisa repeated slowly, scowling. “What are we pulling off?” Looking at Lottie, she asked, “Do you know what she’s talking about?”
“Not a clue,” Lottie replied excitedly. “But it doesn’t matter! We have a romance to plan,” she sang.
As Lisa and Lottie talked, Rachel sent her sister a quick text asking for a call later tonight. It was time for them to talk. And not only about romantic gestures. Rachel intended to share some of her new insights about herself and her behavior. Hopefully if all went well, Jess would help her put a piece of the plan into place.
“That’s done.” She looked up. “Now, let’s talk about how I’m going to get myself out of this mess.”
