Page 59 of The Estate
Stepping toward the mirror, she turned sideways to check her outfit. The dress was a good compromise. Attractive but nothing too flirty or fun. Fingering her hair, she wished there was something else she could do with it. The length was beginning to annoy her. But tonight’s event was far too fancy for a ponytail. It was either leave it down or throw it in a messy bun. Trying both looks, she decided having her hair down went better with the outfit.
Happy with her look, she texted her sister she was leaving to pick her up. Once Jess was in the car, it was easy to keep her mind from spinning out with anxiety. She tried to focus on being present right there. Yes, it was a work function, but also an enjoyable night out with her sister.
“I can’t believe you asked if I could come with you,” Jess said.
“Well, you’ve helped Cal a lot lately. You deserve this.”
“Thanks for thinking of me,” Jess said quietly.
“Hey,” Rachel glanced over. “Absolutely. And I can’t thank you enough for answering all my questions about the hospitality industry. I really appreciate it. I have to finish this project perfectly.
“This means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” she sighed. “I’m not yet settled in my new role and working on the White Hall project is my way of proving myself to my boss.” She paused. “But also a little to myself.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed, trying to find the words to describe how she’d been feeling. “I’m not sure entirely.”
She focused out on the road, letting the forward motion soothe her weirdly. “Honestly Jess, I’m kinda feeling like a hot mess.” Shooting a quick glance to the side, she could see her sister’s startled expression.
“But it’s no big deal,” she added quickly, backpedaling from her overshare. “It’s fine. It’s just that I’m feeling a little off.”
“No,” Jess responded, twisting toward her. “No. Don’t do that. Don’t downplay it. Finish the original thought.”
Rachel swallowed and gripped the wheel tighter. “I’ve just been thinking about a lot. I mean, I’m questioning some things… The thing is...” Rachel trailed off.This was really hard.
But isn’t this what she said she wanted? She longed for a closer relationship with Jess. How do you do that if you don’t let the wall down and let people in?
Rachel sighed. “I’ve been looking at my life and feeling like I ought to make some changes.”
“Well, that sounds very positive,” Jess replied slowly.
“Yeah, but it kinda sucks,” she countered, making Jess laugh.
“How so? And not that I disagree with you. Change can suck. But how so?”
“It just seems like the universe is sending me messages that I should be more open. That I can’t play it safe all the time. I… I tend to protect myself, and I think that’s perhaps keeping me from living the life that I want.”
Rachel shook her head.How to make sense of emotional chaos?“I don’t know. I’ve been considering my choices and what I want from my life. And that’s kind of thrown everything into disarray,” she blurted, her words coming faster and faster. “Which makes me feel unsettled. And messy. And out of control. And I hate that.”
Jess paused before replying. “I think I understand what you’re saying. But give me one example. What’s one thing that’s got you feeling a bit crazed at the moment?”
Rachel cycled through everything in her mind. No way did she feel like talking about Cal and the kiss. No way. No how.
She didn’t want to talk about how Matt’s parting words were living rent free in her head, either. She was feeling a little too raw for that. But work. She could talk about work.
“Okay,” she said finally. “My job. With my old position, I was good at it, but it was…”
“Safe,” Jess offered.
“Yeah,” she agreed, surprised her sister had also seen that. “It was safe. Not in a bad way, just that I was comfortable.”
“I totally get that,” Jess replied.
“But I felt pulled to work directly with clients. So, I moved to client services. The new position is challenging, and I like it mostly, but it has me feeling unsure.
“My boss Seth has only given me minor projects, and I haven’t been able to do much. It’s frustrating. Then Seth came right out and told me he doesn’t really know me and isn’t comfortable giving me a larger assignment.
