Page 47 of The Estate
“That’s not why things ended with Matt,” Lottie asked gently.
“You have to understand we were mid-fight. And yes, that I prioritize work came up. But what he said,” Rachel paused. She wasn’t keen to open old wounds, but more and more she felt like this was one that hadn’t healed. Perhaps it was time to open it up and flush it out. Maybe if she did that, she could finally heal, or accept it, or dismiss it.
“He said I never showed up for the relationship to begin with. Questioned if I was ever really committed to us. Because even after all the time we’d been together, I was still a blank slate to him.
“He said I’d built walls around myself, and at the very least I should have let him see the real me. But all he or anyone ever got to see was the boring vanilla outside. Like I was a shadow of a real person.”
Rachel felt the stab of his words again. Damn Matt’s voice for living rent free in her head. But the question was, did he have a valid point? At the time, she’d told him to sod off, but in the time since, she’d questioned if he was entirely wrong.
“Well, now I really do want to kill this one,” Lottie said. Looking at Lisa, she continued, “I won’t be a liability. I can drive the car. Buy the supplies. Plan the escape route. Any action I can take to exact revenge.”
“That may work,” Lisa responded.
Rachel smiled thinly. “Thank you, friends. That means the world. But I think for now, the issue is does his theory have weight?”
“Fine,” Lisa said. “We can put a pin in the revenge portion. For now. But I reserve the right to re-institute the Whack Matt plan at a later date.”
“So noted.” Rachel chuckled then sipped her drink. Wherever Matt was now, he had no idea of the bullet he just dodged.
“Now, I haven’t met all your past boyfriends, but I can say from the times I met Matt and from some of your stories of him, he sounds pretty closed off himself.”
“I’m not sure I entirely see that, but I will mull that over.”
“What if the men you’re choosing aren’t emotionally available to you to begin with?” Lisa added. “Couldn’t the situation be a both/and? You pick people because you want to avoid losing control or feeling vulnerable. They’re the safe choice which allows you to not risk your heart. Or perhaps you haven’t found a romantic partner that makes lowering those walls worth the risk?”
Rachel felt Lisa’s words land.
Hard.
When she’d lost her sister to Chris and then her parents to that damn car accident, it seemed as though her life had forevertaken on the pattern of watching things she loved disappear before her eyes. One moment there, the next gone in a flash.
Matt said he couldn’t stay in a relationship with her because she was incapable of letting anyone in.Was Lisa right?Did she pick Matt because with him her heart wasn’t at risk?
Rachel buried her face in her hands and groaned, “This is so much easier when it’s someone else’s life. Why is it so hard to understand my own life? I should be better at this.”
“Oh no,” Lottie denied with a head shake. “You’re right smack dab in it, which makes it hard to perceive the bigger picture. Right now, you’re in the motion picture. You need to take a step back and consider it from the audience's point of view. And when you can do that, take another step back and observe it from outside the theater.”
Lisa scrunched up her nose. “Are you even making sense here?”
Rachel raised her head. “Actually, she is. And so are you.”
“Well, that may be a first,” Lottie said. She and Lisa smiled at each other.
“It’s necessary for me to get that distance to see things clearly. But what I do know is that I’m a tad of a perfectionist.”
“I think that’s like being a little bit pregnant. It’s a yes or no situation, not something normally done by degrees,” Lisa said.
“Fine,” Rachel fired back. “I’m a closet perfectionist. And as I’m sitting here talking about Cal, I’m realizing he’s got that same controlling nature. He’s trying to make things work in his way.
“And I…” Rachel tried to find the right words. “I hold people at a bit of a distance. And I do try to control the surroundingenvironment. Like Cal, I like to get things right. So perhaps Matt was correct? I never let my guard down to let him see the real me. Instead, I showed him the perfected version of me.”
“So maybe,” Lottie said, reaching over to hold Rachel’s hand. “It might be time to understand the why behind all that.”
Glancing at her two friends, she sighed. “I think you may be right.”
Chapter Sixteen
Pinball, Baby
