Page 83 of Clash
It was too painful to look at myself, so I glanced away, those broken tears forming once again.
“Gina,” he said, his gruff voice coming out gentle and encouraging. “What do you see?”
“I see me… hideous… ugly… useless.”
Clash began vigorously shaking his head. “You’re wrong. There is nothing hideous, ugly, or useless in that mirror, only a beautiful woman who would turn any man’s head.”
I wish I could believe him, but years of my ex making me believe the worst about myself have been engrained in my brain. It’s hard to see beauty in anything but my son’s eyes anymore.
Looking away from the mirror again, too uncomfortable to stare at it a second longer, I curled against him, burying my face against his pecs. “Please, Clash. I hate myself.”
He gently lifted my chin, forcing me to look into his worried eyes. “I’ll kill the bastard for making you this way. Gina, you’re the most beautifully exquisite woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. You may not see the beauty I see when I look at you, which is nothing more than a travesty, because when I look at you, I see an endless ocean catching the last bits of sun as it sets in a horizon. I see the innocence of a newborn fawn, rising to its feet to take those first few steps. And I see the strength and determination of a proud mama bear, one who traversed a whole forest just to protect her cub. Not only are you beautiful, but you’re resilient, and the strongest woman I know. I knew, from the second I laid eyes on you, just how truly special you were, and now that I’ve experienced what heaven can feel like in a woman’s arms, I can’t imagine another day living without you.”
I blinked, too astonished by his sweet words to realize I had already fallen for him.
This can’t be happening right now.
“Clash… you barely know me,” I whispered, still unable to focus on anything but the floor. “I’m a mess—a miserable mess that just brings everyone around her down.”
“Do you know why I got the nickname Clash?”
I shook my head, unsure where he was going with this.
“When I joined the club, our old club Prez at the time, wanted everyone to have a nickname that had to do with our favorite rock bands. Mine was The Clash. But honestly, the name fit me because I pretty much clash with anyone I come in contact with. I tend to keep my heart constricted in a vice, one that I threw away the key to a long time ago. When I got tangled up with club drama, it only solidified my need to withdraw and keep awayfrom anything and anyone that could hurt me.” He sighed, his tense features fading into a frown.
“I was convinced that fucking my way through every woman who threw themselves at my feet was the only option to keep myself sane. Connecting to people just isn’t who I am. But here I am, opening up to you… again.” There was another long pause, one that seemed to make his shoulders slump, and his whole-body sag in defeat. “When I was ten, I found my mother on the floor of our apartment, beaten and raped by our landlord. I barely remember the day it happened, but every now and again, I’ll get pieces in my memory about it.”
Gasping, my hand found its way to his, and even though we were both standing in the bathroom, completely naked, it was like our souls were connecting in the best possible way. No man had ever opened up to me like this before, and it was kind of invigorating in a way. “Oh, Clash, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Nobody really knows, I tend to keep my past locked up tight. Letting people in has always been something that bothered me. But with you, I find it a little easier, for some odd reason.” He took a deep breath, then his hazel eyes drank me in, making every part of my heart stammer with lust. “She was so bruised and broken. She was just trying to make ends meet and keep a roof over our heads. When she refused to fuck my landlord, he beat her and took what he wanted, anyway. She always said she would do anything for me, but I never expected her to do that. It was heart breaking seeing her so vulnerable. When I asked her if she wanted to press charges, she told me no. That the last thing she wanted was for us to be kicked out of the only home we could barely afford.” He looked up into my eyes, a weird frown forming on hi face. “This next part… you may hate me for.”
I held my breath, somehow already knowing what he was going to say. “I won’t say I could never hate you, Clash, becauseyou did things that already made me hate your guts at one point.” Chuckling, I clutched his hand. “But nothing you’re going to say will shock me.”
He gave me a shattered smile, one that dismantled all the walls I had erected around myself. “Let’s just say, I made sure he’d never hurt my mother ever again.”
Clash was smart not to go into any details. Encrypting his words just enough to not incriminate himself for any wrongdoings. I could see the confliction in his eyes, and despite what he insinuated, I didn’t hate him for it, nor could I blame him, either. But my heart did break for him. Just thinking about how traumatic that must’ve been for a ten-year-old to experience, made me want to run downstairs and hold my son a little tighter. I couldn’t even imagine what I would do if my son ever found me that way, or had to do what Clash did to avenge her. I kept him sheltered from the abuse as much as I could, and guilt still crippled me over the stuff he did see—the things I couldn’t hide.
“Clash, please. You don’t have to keep going.”
He gave me a weak smile. “But I do. Don’t you see, Gina? You make me want to tell you everything. I feel safe with you, like I could tell you all my secrets and know you would never tell another soul. I want you to know the darkest parts of me, the parts that make me decayed and vile.”
“I don’t think you’re a vile person, Clash. You may say some vulgar things, but you’re not vile.”
His lips came crashing down on mine, and my skin rippled with erotic goosebumps, ones that I couldn’t quite contain.
“This is why you’re so damn beautiful. It’s not just all outside beauty,” he said, his finger running circles over my heart. “It’s what’s inside of you as well that makes you the most exquisite woman on Earth.”
My neck careened up, taking his kisses greedily.
“I clash with people because the one time I opened up to someone, telling them about my past, they laughed at me and called me a liar. Do you know how hard that is to have your so-called best friend not believe you about something you had no control over? He thought I was joking about it. So, I played it off like I was, knowing that if I told anyone about it, I could end up in jail and away from my mother forever.”
Shaking my head, a few stray tears leaked out of my eyes, knowing how he felt in some ways. So many people blamed me for what happened with Eric. There were too many to count who called me a lying bitch. It was maddening at times, and yes, I played it off like I made the whole thing up too. If I didn’t, I’d get hit again. Just thinking about it made me shudder in fear.
His thumb caressed a painful tear that moved slowly down my face. “Talk to me, Gina. Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”
Would he believe me if I told him? Would he think I was a liar like everyone else?
“You can trust me, Gina. I promise you that.”
