Page 76 of Clash
She gasped. “So, what happened?”
I gave her a knowing look, and she covered her mouth.
“He’s no longer a problem for her or the club.”
Silence filled the room before she finally spoke. “Why are you telling me all this, Clash?”
“Because I like you, Gina. I like you more than I’ve liked anyone before. My feelings for you run deep, and I feel like if I were to ever have a shot with you, you need to know what you’d be getting yourself into. It sounds bad, and trust me it’s probably worse than you can ever imagine, but I’m not the same guy I was a few months ago. Meeting you changed all that.”
She didn’t look convinced. “Clash, I’m not going to get involved with a biker. With everything going on in my life, I can’t take any chances of losing Alex. Eric would just use your lifestyle against me.”
She was right. Fuck, I hated how right she was.
“Gina, I would never purposely bring you and your son drama. It’s why I’ve kept you away from my club. It’s why I’ve considered just walking away from it for good.”
She looked surprised. “Because of me?”
“Partially. The other part has to do with everything that went down with our last Prez. I have bitter feelings over the fact that the girl chose to only pick one of us, when we all agreed she’d be shared by us all.”
“Like a polyamorous thing?”
Nodding, I took her hand. “Like a fool, I believed I had real feelings for her. But I realize now, those feelings were more of a competition thing. I just don’t like to lose. The man she ended up with is great for her and loves her with all his heart. A few of the others fell in love with her as well, but none of their feelings ever got as deep as his. I guess she chose the right man for her.”
“But you’re still jealous of that?”
For a moment, I pondered her question, realizing that jealousy I normally felt when I thought about Shasta and Snyder together, had subsided, probably the day I met Gina. Weird.
“It’s not because I’m jealous that he won her heart.”
“Then why are you still jealous of him?”
“I guess I’m jealous of what they have—a happily ever after that you only see in movies. Despite everything that happened to her, she’s found real love now, and the universe has blessed her with a baby—expecting his child. They’re supposed to get married here soon. I’ve never been that close with a woman. Never wanted to be. My mother is the only woman I’ve ever truly loved.”
“Why?”
Sitting up on the bed, I reached out, cupping her cheek. “Because love scares me, Gina. It fucking terrifies me. The thought of needing and wanting someone so bad, that even being away from them for a second literally kills you inside, is petrifying. Snyder, the man who now has her heart, once told me that when you finally meet the girl meant for you, she will turn your life upside down and you will find yourself wanting to do everything for her. I thought he was full of shit, never experiencing more than purely sexual and fuck buddy type of relationships—infatuation and lust at best. But then you showed up with Alex and it was like everything changed for me. I wanted to protect you and shield you both from harm. My life in the club doesn’t seem as important now that I know you exist. When you ran from me that day, my heart broke into a thousand fucked up pieces. I couldn’t understand it. It scared the fuck out of me, but when I saw you again in that flower shop, my heart beat wildly in my chest, actively reaching out for you without me giving it a second thought. I realized then, that I needed you just as much as you needed me. If not more.”
She shied away from my touch and frowned. “Clash, you really hurt me. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. I’m sorry. I can’t be whatever girl you’re expecting me to be. I won’t sit by and watch you fuck a bunch of girls, or be someone that hangs around your club and gets passed around. I’ve already spent most of my life being the girl that’s cheated on, and I can’t go through it again. Since I met you, my life has been turned upside down as well, but not in a good way. In a really fucked up way. You confuse the fuck out of me. One minute I hate you. The next I want to throw myself in your arms and not let go. That’s dangerous for me. It’s just easier to hate you then it is to fall for you, Clash.”
I hung my head in shame, wishing things could have happened differently between us.
My phone beeped, and there was a text from Snyder, asking me how long until I’d be at the club. I didn’t want to go, but I had to. “There’s so much you don’t know, Gina. I wish I could explain it all to you right now, but I have to go. One of my brothers needs me and sitting here talking this all out with you, has made me realize a few things about myself that I need to fix. Just promise me you won’t leave. I know I’ll never win your heart like I want to. But at least let me protect you and Alex while I can. You’re safe here. Safer than you were with Bessie. Please stay. At least for a couple days.”
“Okay,” she reluctantly agreed. “But only for a couple days.”
“Thank you. When I get back. I have something else I want to talk to you about.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know. But help yourself to anything you need and try not to leave the house. I don’t want anything bad happening to you.”
“Okay. Goodbye, Clash.”
“Goodbye, Gina.” The need to kiss her was taking over my soul, and before I could talk myself out of it, I kissed her forehead, smiling ever so slightly when the cutest blush invaded her cheeks. She was so goddamn beautiful, and unfortunately, she’d never be mine.
26
The club was in fight-or-flight mode. Everyone was scrambling around, packing shit left and right. I grabbed one of the newer prospects by the arm and halted him. “What’s going on?”
