Page 67 of Light As A Feather
“It’s complicated, but yes. And I know I’ll be even more so when it’s sorted once and for all.” Complete honesty. That’s all I ever have to offer him.
He shakes his head. “You’ve been saying that for years. When is it your turn to be happy? You’ve been chasing Sol around for the better part of your life. You’re always fucking catering to her.”
“Jay, don’t go there.” I bite the skin around my thumbnail to try to curb the anger blooming inside me.
“Who else will if not me?” He throws his hands up, his self-control shot, what must be years of frustration unraveling right in front of me. “Hawthorne, when does it ever get better? Ever since you met her, it’s been you against the world for her.”
“She would do the same for me.”
“Would she?”
“You have no idea the extent of Sol’s struggles or the sacrifices she’s made for me.” I defend her as I bleed out from the way he strikes to the heart of the issue. “There is more to the story than you know. I thought we were past this.”
“Past what?”
Words fail me. Because I can’t say it. If I do it, it becomes real. And if it’s real, then I’ve caused one of the people I love most an indescribable amount of pain. Have I really been so self-centered? Did I really miss the signs over all these years? I meant what I told Sol, for me, it was always just friendship after Jayden broke up with me. There weren’t any lingering feelings, any loose ends…there wasn’t any more animosity than the protectiveness of a best friend trying to mend a broken heart.
“We could have been happy.” His voice is hushed, like he knows he shouldn’t say it, but he can’t help it. “I could have made you happy. You don’t deserve to be dragged through life like this.”
“Don’t do this, Jay.” There’s an old scar where I used to feel torn between them. It itches as he picks at the edges of it like a scab.
“But I have to. I have to know that I’ve said my piece. I settled for being friends because you never would have given it a chance, and I sure as hell wasn’t losing you, especially not when you were suffering so much.Suffering because of her.”
He speaks one of my biggest fears into reality, but I have to find my way through it because it can’t end like this. We have to be repaired, even if it’s excruciating to get there.
“We had our chance. It didn’t work out.”
“Because you didn’t wait for me like you did her.”
“We were kids, Jay.”
“Please,” he hisses. “How long did it take for you to fall for her? Within months, she hung the moon, and you waited under it for her to see you. Since the first time you met Solaneen, you were completely taken by her. I never stood a chance of fixing things, of working through my shit to get back to you. But you waited for her, gave her all the time in the fucking world.”
“That’s not fair; you know it’s different.”
“I love you. I always have. Why isn’t it enough?”
“I do love you. Don’t belittle that. You’re my family.”
“We could have had what you two do.” His voice cracks, and a part of me does right along with it.
I shake my head because this is a pointlessly painful path to go down, but he’s not leaving me any other option. “No, Jay. That’s not fair to you or me. We had our chance, things didn’t align romantically, and it just wasn’t in the cards for us. But what we have is fucking important. Don’t throw it away.”
“Tell me,” he says through a jaw so tense I fear his teeth will crumble like sand in his mouth. “Tell me what it was about her that made it different.”
“I don’t know how to explain it. It just worked. It’s not like I planned it. She came along, and the way we were just worked. She understands me in a way no one else does.” I don’t need to say more, we both know what I mean—from being two marginalized kids in a mostly white community and all the bullshit that comes along with that, to the unspoken way we communicate and anticipate each other’s needs. There’s nobody who could complete Sol the way I do and vice versa. But there’s also no one who could replace the way Jayden fits into my life. I just wish he could see that, but he’s not seeing things clearly right now.
We stand there, chests heaving, eyes locked, jaws tense. Most importantly, silent. It blackens and burns in front of me, but I’m speechless. Not just because of the sheer magnitude of where this conversation could go, but the bitter rage that’s rolling off him in fumes. It’s in the venom of his voice and the squaring of his shoulders as he steps around the table and stands before me.
This isn’t a side of Jayden I’ve ever seen, even in soccer competitions when it was everything to us to win. He didn’t even bring this energy to the kids who used to make fun of his eyeliner and earrings, or the ones who were disgusted by our PDA. There’s something dishonest, and worse, unfamiliar about it. Somethingother,outside of him. It’s unsettling, disorienting even.
“You need to get out.” I hate to do it, but I need him to leave. I need space to clear my head to figure out how we can have this conversation without ripping each other apart.
“That’s what I thought.” His laugh is barbed, the edges of it snagging on the old hurts that have been exposed tonight. Hesnatches his gear off the table and storms past me, but his steps falter. “Is it worth it?”
“What?” I say through gritted teeth.
“Trading in loyalty for lies and the inevitable heartbreak?” He drops his bag on the ground. “Was it worth it to wait for her all that time when she was his whore all along?”
