Page 33 of Queen Takes Sunfires 2
I thought I was doing a good job of keeping my shit together, but evidently, I sucked at hiding my feelings as much as I sucked at protecting the queens in my life. His face softened and he got out of the car. “I’ll call you if I get anything from the lab.”
I didn’t respond for fear I’d snarl and rage like the beast I was. He shut the door and I floored it, dipping down across the grassy median and back onto the opposite two-lane freeway.
I thought of Karmen. Defenseless. Alone. Left in a strange nest by someone who was supposed to man up and protect her. Helayna had her own Blood. From what I could tell, they were at least as dangerous as me. I wasn’t worried about those soldiers hurting her.
But Karmen had no one.
I should have been there.
And I had no one to blame but my own stupid self.
14
Karmen
My fangs slid effortlessly into the living, breathing man’s throat. Exquisite pleasure arced from my fangs and zinged down my spine, making me shiver. So many sensations flooded me. The feel of warm skin against my face. Lava-hot blood on my tongue. The deep groan that escaped his throat. He smelled and tasted so good that my stomach rumbled with hunger.
Even more, I was inside him. My fangs were still deep in his flesh, connecting us with shocking intimacy. His memories lay before me like a thick, ancient scroll. As I touched it, the scroll rolled open, but very little was written on the parchment. Vast swatches were mostly blank, with only a few swirls of colorful ink to catch my eyes.
I didn’t know why so much of the scroll was blank, until I touched one of the swirls.
The glittering nightmare of Heliopolis filled my mind, though the painful brightness didn’t seem to affect him. He stood at guard, staring off into nothing. Unmoving. For an eternity, it seemed. Nothing happened. Nothing moved. He had no thoughts or feelings. In fact, he was nothing more than a statue.
Until I walked down the hallway, trailed by my attendants. I didn’t remember anything myself. It was just one of the endless walks to my torture chamber, where Ra waited for me. I had already started the mental retreat from what was to come, so distant that one of the attendants had to guide me, gently pulling me along to my destination.
I had spent most of my existence in Heliopolis like that. Vacant. Empty.
As bare as the scroll in Sunzi’s mind.
These so-called bright moments were nothing more than the sight of me coming near. I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him. Ever. But seeing me was the only thing that had kept his scroll from stretching bare and empty into oblivion.
I drank long enough that the scroll in his mind softened and blurred. Concerned that I had taken too much from him, I lifted my head, shivering as my fangs disconnected from his skin. I had never willingly touched anyone for so long. I had never smelled a man’s bare skin, let alone tasted his blood.
An image flashed through my mind. Ra’s impossible, intolerable weight on top of me. Burning every inch of my body, inside and out. To survive, I’d learned to leave my body before I was ever taken to him. I didn’t want to feel his touch. I didn’t want to remember the pain. The horrible sense of soul-crushing hopelessness.
Every time I retreated deep inside my mind, I had lost a little more of myself. I never fully came back. I never took up that same space. I couldn’t.
Ra would only beat me down and crush me again if I’d tried.
I’d survived. But I had become so… small. A kernel of my personality, the woman I could have been. I didn’t even know if I could ever sprout that kernel into something bigger. More me, the Karmen I should have been. Was it too late?
Opening my eyes, I let my mind connect to and feel my body. Allowed the sensations to register. The warmth of Sunzi’s skin still lingered on my lips. The incredible taste of his blood heated my tongue and my stomach. As I pulled back, he slumped against my knees. His head sagged forward against his chest, spilling long black hair down over my arms.
He didn’t move. He didn’t grab me or touch me with his hands. But I was acutely aware of his body against mine. He still wore gleaming armor, but otherwise, nothing separated us. A living being touched me. Not a skeleton.
My breathing was shallow and too rapid, my heart pounding frantically. My first instinct was to flinch away and slide back to that distant, cold, safe place where I didn’t feel anything. Anything at all.
It was the hardest thing I’d done since I’d awoken in the hospital, but I made myself stay present. Feel. I could do it. I could tolerate touch. I could defend myself now. I didn’t have to hide my reactions.
:I am yours, Your Majesty,:Sunzi whispered in my head, even his mental voice raspy and reedy, as if a great distance separated us.:I will never hurt you. None of us will.:
I appreciated his intent to soothe me, but his words inside my head had the opposite effect. It was an invasion of the only place I had ever been able to keep private from Ra.
Immediately, I felt a blow inside him, as if I’d taken a sword and sliced through his mind. Slumping even more, he slid off me and collapsed to the ground.
For a moment, I was afraid he was dead.
Horror closed my throat. Perhaps I was turning into Ra after all. Or the sunfires were truly taking over, turning me into a ravenous monster. But as I stared at him, I noticed his chest rising and falling. I could still feel his presence in my mind, though he’d withdrawn as if trying to give me some sense of privacy. I hadn’t harmed him physically, though my fear at his mental touch had indeed hurt him.
