Page 41 of Queen Takes Triune
Not a life I’d ever imagined for myself. Yet the thought of losing it all almost made me blubber like a baby.
“I still remember the first time they cut off my head,” Guillaume said in a soft, almost wistful voice completely at odds with the words themselves. “I’d seen plenty of death and torture before, and yeah, I’d dealt a great deal of suffering myself. I knew my duty and I did it well. I didn’t question my oath, honor, or service. I took my orders and executed them. That’s what a de Payne did. Without question.”
I wasn’t sure what his point was, but I couldn’t remember the knight ever telling this story before.
G wiped the blade clean on his sleeve and then stroked his fingers over the steel lovingly. “In all those years of dealing death with my knightly honor, I had contemplated what the end of my own life would be like. It was a sort of escape from the horrors of war. A future blessing that I held sacred in my mind. When the bloody faces and screaming mouths followed me into sleep, I’d awake, drenched in sweat, and I’d think, someday, I’ll die. I’ll die in honor and it’ll all be over. It’ll all be worth it. I’ll be free. Aima are damned hard to kill, so I knew it would be many centuries if I were lucky. Yet I still had that hope of a peaceful death. That would be my reward for lifetimes of blood and pain.”
He glanced up at me and smiled, a grim twist of his lips. “And then I found the true horror of my existence. Because I could not die. I was trapped in an infinite war, bound by my honor. First to my house, and then to Desideria, and she used me well. Too well. I refused to count the number of lives that met their end on my blades, because it was always a grim reminder that they had what I could never have.”
I still had no fucking clue why he was telling me this. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and words had never been my strong suit.
Griz paced inside me, whuffing nervously with every step. The bear had gotten me out of some serious shit before. If he was worried…
I pushed up from the tree trunk and headed for the next tree. Maybe G would take the hint and leave me the fuck alone.
“What did the demon child show you in her blood circle?”
Hairs all over my body shot up with alarm, zinging with warning. Just like they’d done when I’d stepped into that foul trap in the dark basement.
Jaws clenched so hard my teeth ached, I fought back the foulness threatening to bubble up. I reached for griz, desperate for the bear’s take-no-shit attitude. But he’d retreated at the first hint of that memory. Leaving me alone in the cold, dark circle with a demon.
Fuck me sideways, but I could still hear her creepy child-like laughter as she made me whimper and scream.
“I don’t think Rik will mind me telling you that he saw me taking his place as alpha. Over and over. All the ways he could fail to protect our queen. All the ways I’d gleefully make him watch and suffer until I killed him. Tanza pulled up the worst possible thing that could happen to him and made him live it in her circle so she could feed on his pain and horror. That kind of torture leaves a permanent mark on a person.”
My shoulders shook. My hands ached, my fingers drawn up into fists so tight my nails were cutting my palms, even without the bear’s claws. Worse, though, was that raw, zinging feeling in my skin. That sense of impending doom crawling through my nerves.
Guillaume placed his palm on my back and my skin tried to jump off my bones and fucking dance a jig. “Shara purged you of the demon’s blood, but she can’t take away the memory. If you allow it to fester…”
“I’m fine,” I managed to say somewhere between a growl and a whimper.
The knight wasn’t fooled. “Sure, sure, you’re fine. Big tough man like you doesn’t need anybody to talk to. You don’t need anyone to watch your six or sharpen your swords or take a turn at the watch. You always liked being alone in the woods.”
A sound tore out of my throat that shamed me to my core. It made my knees tremble. Drenched in sweat, I fought to plug that tiny leak, but the fucking knight didn’t have any mercy.
“That’s it,” he whispered, gripping my shirt. Pinning me in place. “She gave you exactly what you used to love. The solitude of the forest. No people. No politics. No queen. No alpha. No smartass warcat or arrogant dragon. Just you, with the thing you used to love the most destroyed forever.”
My heart pounded so hard that I thought my rib cage would crack. I couldn’t say anything. It hurt too fucking bad.
All my life, I’d loved being alone. That was who I was, and I’d taken pride in being the outsider. The loner that no one cared about. The forgotten one. It’d allowed me to make my mark on the fringes, listening in where no one expected, because I kept to myself and didn’t play sides.
I’d never loved anyone until Daire. Losing that young scamp decades ago had taught me a very painful lesson. I’d gained him again for a time, but then lost him to Rik. I’d told myself it was no big deal. I was fine. Shit happened.
But I’d come cross-country on foot over a thousand miles to find him when I suspected he was in trouble. Only to find that I was the one in trouble.
Shara fucking Isador trapped me with her delicious blood and her toe-curling power.
In Tanza’s circle, I’d learned exactly what it meant to serve such a queen.
Losing Daire had hardened my heart and honed me into the axe-wielding wild man I was now. Losing my queen…
I’d never dreamed such horror and pain could exist.
Even now, I felt the absolute soul-wrenching agony of watching her eyes narrow with suspicion when she looked at me. Tanza had contaminated me, and she’d whispered in my head that I’d never be free of her. My queen would look at me and always wonder if she’d gotten all of that black, foul taint out of me. There would be a kernel of doubt in her eyes. And that kernel would sprout.
I would bitch one time too many, or pick a fight that I shouldn’t, or refuse one of my alpha’s bullshit orders. Something would crack her confidence in me, and she’d wonder.
She’d remember the demon crawling and rotting in my soul.
