Page 95 of Finding Denver
Because I’m not going back.
I don’t know what my plan is. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to do, but I know that my marriage is over. This dark, twisted thing that’s been curling around my heart since meeting Ranger Luxe is dying.
No … it’s dead.
I’ve forgiven him for so much in the past. I’ve allowed my heart to be broken and rebroken in the name of what I thought was love. I believed that despite the awful things he did, I could let them go, because he did them out of his need to protect me. Now, I realize he wasn’t keeping me safe. He was just keeping me.
I’m not sure I’ll recover from this kind of betrayal, but being around so much love has helped me get up, get dressed, and not fall apart. Finn gently suggested I help him with work, and I have. On the harder days, Helena and I will spend time on the couch watching movies, or she’ll tell me stories. Sometimes we’ll go for long walks and not say anything at all.
And on those days when the darkness seems to suffocate and grow in my heart, I lie in bed and I cry, and then there’s only one person who I allow to watch me shatter.
He’ll lie with me, saying nothing, his arms around me as I grieve for someone it turns out I didn’t lose. He’ll be quiet strength when I’m breaking. He’s my light on the harbor when the seas threaten to wash me away and I’m close to letting them.
Colt has been everything, and the days I used to curse his existence have become quiet thank yous that I’ve been allowed to have a man like him in my life.
I’ve leaned on him more than anyone these last fewweeks, and I know he’s waiting for me to give him permission to do what he wants to do.
To kill my husband.
Because Ranger won’t let me go.
He calls me so regularly I changed my number. When I did that, he sent letters. Flowers. Gifts. I didn’t open any of them, threw them away or sent them back.
And then he lost his temper.
For the second time in its existence, Pulse burned to the ground. I read about it online, and that night, I locked myself in my room and cried. History repeated itself and I sobbed into a pillow as I replayed that awful night when Hayes died, when Axel’s life changed forever, when Ethan’s final act to help me ended with him taking two bullets in the back.
When Ranger didn’t get the reaction he wanted, he smashed up my coffee shops. Four are closed, my staff split among the other businesses to try and keep them in work. I’ve resisted every urge to call him to calm him down, even to check on Wesson.
Colt has sent men to San Francisco for my dog, but they’re turned away at the door by staff or threatened by Ranger. The only conversations Finn has had with Ranger since this mess were about Wesson. I miss him. I want him here with me.
But Ranger won’t let him go.
It makes me wonder how I’ll ever get a divorce.
It makes me wonder if I should even try.
Lately, the temptation to up and leave has consumed me. I want to be with Axel. Ranger still doesn’t know where he is, so I could leave tomorrow if I wanted to, and I wouldn’t need to put up with any of this bullshit.
But I can’t leave without my dog. I won’t. And whyshould I be run out of my home? Why does Ranger have the right to do that? He’s the one who did wrong, not me. He’s the one who broke us.
“You look like you’re angry at every tree we pass,” Lewis pants from beside me, and I pause my jog, pulling in the air that has dropped drastically in temperature the closer we get to winter. I’m definitely not used to falls this cold.
“Busy brain,” I say, my hands on my hips as my air billows around me. “Let’s keep going.”
The house is empty when we get back. Helena is out having breakfast with Finn, Ronan is working, and Colt has been gone for a few days. He told me he had to work, so I shouldn’t be surprised that I haven’t heard from him since last night, but it feels different without him here.
I shower and dress, ready to visit four of the seventeen bars that Finn owns. Helena insisted he take a rare day off, so I offered to help. I can’t do much about my own businesses while I’m here, and working keeps me busy.
I thought adjusting to firearms from drugs would be strange, but it turns out most deliveries are the same. Scary men bring boxes, money is exchanged, goods are counted, scary men drive away. The advantage of it being a McEwan delivery is that the scary guys are more relieved to be walking away, so they’re nicer. One of them even brought me chocolates.
Lewis drives us to the first bar, and the delivery goes as expected. So does the next one, and the next. Finn checks in; I tell him it’s going fine.
“I feel like this is more fun than home,” Lewis says as we wait by the open delivery door of the fourth and final bar.
“You know what it is? It’s colder,” I say, rubbing my gloved hands together. New York winters are no joke.
My phone vibrates, and I hold my breath when I see who it is. The company I hired to once hunt Colt is now currently in Florida, keeping an eye on Theo. My hand shakes as I open the email, more confirmation that he’s safe.
