Page 37 of Tell Me No
“I put her in danger. A job I’ve been working… the consequences came back to bite me in the ass and she paid for it. I can’t do that to her, I won’t. I could never live with myself if something happened to her because of me. She could have been killed, and it was my fault.” I sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself, and if I’m honest, maybe I am.
“Was it your fault, Jason? Or was it someone else’s choice to cause her harm?” My mom asks.
“It doesn’t matter, mom. If she wasn’t with me, she wouldn’t have been put in that situation at all,” I tell them.
“You think she’s never faced a dangerous situation before you, son?” My dad questions. I didn’t consider that, but I doubt she’d been held at gunpoint before I came into her life.
“I’m sure she has, but nothing like she faced because of me. Nothing like she could face just for being so important to me,” I protest.
“We’ve never discussed your work, Jason. Frankly, because I don’t want to know what it is you think you have to do to make a living. But I think there’s a solution you haven’t really considered here. Quit.” My mom’s suggestion seems so easy, like I could really leave that life behind overnight.
“It’s not that easy, mama,” I argue, but she just smirks back at me.
“Then you don’t love her like you think you do. Because if you did, you’d do whatever it takes to make a life with her the only thing that matters,” my dad says, grabbing my mom’s hand across the table.
“The work I do is important. The people… I’m helping people the only way I know how.” I sigh, knowing my argument is weak. I don’t have to be the one to pull the trigger, but the sick sense of satisfaction I get every time I do has been the only thing worthwhile in my life for years now. Only now, I have something that means more to me than anything else. My parents both stare back at me like they’ve been waiting for me to come to this realization since I walked through their door.
“So learn a new way. We raised you to be a resourceful man, Jason. There are a hundred different jobs you could find, but is there another woman in the world for you?” My dad asks.
“I’ve never considered a different job. Honestly, I figured I’d be alone, buried in my work until I die,” I tell them honestly.
“Well, that breaks my heart, honey. Because finding the person who makes all your bad days worthwhile is the only thing worth doing in this life,” my mom says, standing and picking up the empty dishes from the table. “If you think you can live without that girl, then let her go. Because she’s a rare find, Jason. And she deserves a man who can’t survive without her.”
Knowing my parents see what I see in Aurora means everything to me. She has the ability to make people fall in love with her beauty and kindness without trying. I know without even thinking about it that my life will be cold and empty without her.
“You don’t think it’s selfish? Staying even though I’m not… not good enough for her?” I ask them. My dad barks out a laugh and my mom scoffs back at him.
“Jay, I’ve spent the last 45 years with your mother and I haven’t been good enough for a single day of our life together. That’s why you never stop trying, never stop working as hard as you can to deserve the love you’ve been given. You deserve to be happy, son, and so does she. So why would you do something that makes you both so damn miserable?” When he puts it that way, I feel like a dumbass for even considering that Aurora could be better off without me.
“I gotta run. Thank you guys. For everything,” I tell them, placing a quick kiss on my mom’s cheek and heading for the door.
If I really want to leave this game, it’s gonna take a lot of work. I have my hand in so many different projects, I’m going to have to limit my involvement in the field if I’m going to make this work. But for Aurora, I’d move the sun, moon, and stars to make her happy.
twenty-three
I don’t knowif Jason’s been home at all since our fight. I slept in the guest room for a few hours before my alarm went off, signaling my shift at the coffee shop. Something about sleeping in Jason’s bed without him just didn’t feel right to me. I feel like I’m stuck in some weird fucking limbo where I don’t really live here, and at this point I don’t know if I ever will.
I know he’s feeling guilty about what happened to me. But the reality of the situation is, if he wasn’t in my life, I could still have been taken. But I would be dead right now instead of driving to the coffee shop for another shift I don’t want to finish.
It’s not that I don’t like my job. It’s fine, and working with Vanessa always brings a smile to my face. But I feel stuck here and at Bombshells. I’m not doing what I really want to do, I’m just passing the time. Something about staring down the reality of my death over the past few days has me wondering why I stopped doing something that brought me so much joy. I let my fear overwhelm my entire life, but enough is enough.
I want to believe Jason will come to his senses and realize he’s overreacting. But even if he doesn’t, I will forever be grateful to him for showing me how strong I truly am. He broke down the walls I worked so tediously to build around my heart, rebuilding me from the ground up with windows to let the sun shine on my soul again. I will always be thankful for him.
Walking in to the coffee shop, I see Vanessa behind the counter. Her long raven hair is already piled on top of her head the way she always does when she’s hammering out orders during a big rush.
“Thank fuck! Hurry up, damnit!” She shouts as I walk into the stockroom to drop my bag on the shelf. Visions of Jason taking me against the wall in this very room assault me as soon as I open the door. Pushing them away, I drop my stuff and pull my hair into a high ponytail.
I won’t force him to be with me. But we’re tied together in a very permanent way now, so walking away won’t be that easy. Taking over the cash register, Ness and I clear the line in no time at all. An hour passes in the blink of an eye, and before I know it, the shop is silent again.
“Well, that was a fun little buzz, huh?” I ask her, doing my best to stifle a yawn.
“Late night?” She asks, shaking her hair out and chugging water from her bottle behind the counter.
“You have no idea,” I huff, wiping the coffee stains from the pickup counter.
“Daddy Negan keeping you up late??” she asks, shooting me a salacious glance. I roll my eyes at the nickname she’s created for him. She has no idea all our friends call him the same thing, and he hates it.
“Don’t call him that. And no, just… a late night,” I tell her, trying to disguise the edge in my tone.
