Page 41 of Barbed Wire Fences
I swallow hard, trying to push the memory of Rhett out of my mind. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the way his touch had felt, or the way he’d made me feel in that moment. Like I mattered and wasn’t just a means to an end.
You don’t matter to Rhett. It was a one-time thing. He’ll never see you as anything more than his annoying, next-door neighbor.
That’s what I need to focus on. That’s what I need to remember.
“Um, I’ll undress myself,” I say, feeling self-conscious again as I turn around to take off my clothes. While I’m undressing, Owen cuts off the lights and the room turns so dark I can hardly see in front of me.
Once I’m fully naked, I slip under the sheets to join him. It feels odd. There’re no lights on, and we’re both hidden under the blankets hardly able to see each other now. I once again find myself comparing my first time with Rhett to Owen.
Rhett had taken his time, removed the blankets from the bed when I tried to cover up, yanked the sheets off me when I used those instead, and then caressed every inch of my body to make sure that I was properly turned on and wet enough before he finally pushed his way inside.
He’d been slow, attentive, and thoughtful, checking in to make sure I was okay after every change in position. Owen’s being the complete opposite of that. He’s already placed a condom on himself and without any sort of warning, he flips on top of me and then presses a hand between my legs, spreading my legs wider to make room for his big body.
This is only the second penis that I’ve ever seen in my life and it’s dark, but from what I can tell, Rhett was right. Rhett is so much bigger than Owen.
Suddenly, I start getting a sinking feeling in my stomach that maybe everything Rhett had told me was true.
Now that I’ve been with Rhett, will no other guy ever be able to compare? Have I been ruined… forever by him?
The entire act with Owen lasts for about thirty seconds of him grunting and thrusting in and out of me in a completely unrhythmic manner as he kisses my face sloppily and aggressively. My body is present in the act, but my mind is elsewhere the entire time, regretting putting myself into this situation as the slapping of his body against mine continues to echo in the tight space.
All I can think about is how grateful I am that this isn’t my first time because the aggressive pushing motion he’s doing with no warning, or prep would have been much more painful.
When I finally feel him go stiff and release, instead of pulling me tightly to his chest like Rhett had, he immediately rolls offme and then flops to the other side of the bed to catch his breath noisily.
I stare up at the ceiling, half in shock and half disgusted with myself. On the ceiling are tiny glow and the dark stickers still stuck from my sixteenth birthday. They’d been a gift from Rhett’s mom to me when my parents got me nothing that year, which was the norm since moving to Whitewood Creek.
I remember smiling so hard my cheeks hurt when I opened them and wrapping her in a hug. Rhett had given me something that year too, a scooter he found on the side of the road that he fixed up.
I get lost in the glow of the tiny stars, smiling at the memory of that summer we spent together, the first one where Rhett could drive which opened us up to new places we could visit. Owen makes a grunting noise which brings me back to the present where I start to realize what I just did.
Did I imagine having sex with Owen, or does that count as sex because, in no part of that, did I feel any sort of satisfaction or release.
Owen rolls over to his side and smiles at me. “So, how was your first time?”
“Um… not what I expected,” I say, forcing a smile because that’s the truth. My first time with Rhett wasn’t what I expected and this… this second time with Owen makes me rethink everything.
“Great because we’re going to be doing a whole lot of that this summer before you leave for college.”
My stomach sinks as I continue to lay there while I hear him move around in the dark, get dressed, throw away the condom, and then quietly leave to go home without any snuggling.
Yeah, that’s the last thing that I want to be doing with him this summer.
Whether Rhett is interested in something more with me or not, in this moment, I know without any hesitation, I’m breaking up with Owen tomorrow.
???
“Jael,” Rhett’s steady and tortured voice cuts through the buzz in my head, dragging me back to the present moment. I’m still standing in Lark and Lainey’s doorway, with our friends watching me like I just walked in and shattered whatever perfect little bubble they’ve built since I left. The weight of their stares feels like bricks pressing down on me.
What was I even thinking, coming back here? I should’ve stayed in Virginia where it was safe, where the past didn’t claw at my chest every second of the day and every corner that I turn.
“I’m sorry,” I tell them then shake my head, swallowing down the words I’ll never say, and turn on my heel.
The cooler night air bites at my skin as I head toward Brandon’s truck. The urge to leave—leave them, leave this, leave everything—burns hot in my chest.
Maybe that’s all I’m good for anyway.
Leaving.
