Page 77 of Happily Never After
‘Stop acting in such a pissworthy manner then.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a word.’
‘It is, even if I’ve just had to make it up to describe you. Anyway, I expect he’s just busy. Relax, he’ll get back to you, I’m sure.’
As if on command, my phone beeps to let me know I have a new message.
‘Is it him?’ Liv asks, leaning forwards as I pick it up and unlock it.
‘Yes.’ I’m suddenly aware of my heartbeat, which has definitely quickened.
Hiya! You must be a mind reader as I was just about to message you. Been in meetings all day with the TV people but the result is… they’ve gone for it! Show will be called ‘Winning Bid’ and recording starts in a couple of weeks. Believe I owe you a studio tour and dinner if you’re still interested. xx
‘Hmm,’ Liv observes, reading the screen over my shoulder.
‘What?’
‘I can see why you’d think he wasn’t interested. I mean, it’s not very enthusiastic, is it?’
I turn to look at her.
‘I’m kidding, you idiot. Give it to me. Let’s see. “Just about to message you”; “I owe you a studio tour and dinner”; two kisses. I’m with Cara. He’s nuts about you.’
‘You can’t deduce that from a short message.’
‘Of course I can. You’d better reply quickly though. If he’s half as much as a ditherer as you’ve been, he’ll be paralysed with self-doubt, wondering if he’s overplayed his hand.’
Before I can come up with a suitable riposte, we’re interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell and Meg barking furiously.
‘Yes, all right,’ Liv tells her as she goes into the hallway. ‘It’ll be Auntie Donna come to see you, I expect.’
Meg’s tail is thrashing so hard when she spots Donna that I feel a slight pang of jealousy. I know she loves me, but she’s been a bit more muted with me since I’ve been back, reminding me alittle of how she was when Angus first left. To see her so full of joy at the sight of someone else isn’t easy.
‘Hi, Laura,’ Donna says to me, after she’s kissed Liv hello and made a huge fuss of Meg. She obviously spots the look on my face because she continues quickly. ‘Don’t worry. Dogs are lovely, but they’re not terribly diplomatic. Meg’s excited to see me because she knows me and associates me with fun. It doesn’t mean she loves you any less, I promise.’
‘Bloody disloyal, that’s what I call it,’ I reply. ‘I’m the one that buys her dog food and provides a roof over her head. Miserable animal.’
Donna smiles. ‘You don’t mean that.’
‘No, probably not. It wouldn’t hurt her to be a little more appreciative sometimes, though.’
‘The thing you have to remember about dogs is that they live completely in the moment,’ Donna explains. ‘One of my owners is a computer programmer and he described it brilliantly. Apparently, in computer programs, you have a concept called If… then… else. So if condition A is true, one thing will happen, but if it isn’t then something else will. Dogs totally don’t get this. So Meg doesn’t think “If I show how pleased I am to see Donna, then Laura will get upset”. She’s just “Oh, wow. I’m excited to see this person and I want to show it”. Think how she was when you turned up to collect her from daycare last time. She couldn’t get enough of you.’
She’s right, I realise. Meg was just as delighted to come home from daycare as she was to see Donna just now. I need to stop expecting her to be capable of human emotions.
‘Laura’s a bit all over the place because of a boy,’ Liv tells Donna with a wink.
‘It’s not that,’ I retort. ‘It’s just…’
‘It so is that,’ Liv replies with a laugh when I run out of steam.
‘Well, let’s get your dog sorted, and then that’ll free up your mind to deal with the boy,’ Donna says kindly as we head into the sitting room. ‘Any chance of a cup of tea and a piece of that delicious shortbread, Liv?’
Thankfully, Liv is standing behind her as her exasperated eyeroll is far from subtle.
‘Of course,’ she manages to say without a hint of sarcasm. ‘You go and chat to Laura and I’ll bring it in when it’s ready.’
‘Shall I let you in to a secret?’ Donna says as we settle ourselves on the sofa and Meg climbs up between us. ‘I’m not actually that fussed about millionaire’s shortbread. I mean, it’s nice and everything, but it’s not my favourite.’
