Page 28 of Happily Never After
‘Laura writescrime,’ Gina adds, sounding as if I were something she’d stepped in.
‘Really? I love a good crime story,’ Tess tells me. ‘I’ve edited a number of crime writers in my time. It’s such a complex art, isn’t it? The constant misdirection so the reader is surprised by the outcome. Very clever. Did Hugh and Cara explain how I work? Basically, I’m here if you want to chat anything through at any time, although it’s a good idea to give me a synopsis of your story beforehand so I have some chance of understanding what you’re talking about. If you’d rather just crack on by yourself though, that’s absolutely fine.’
‘Tess is brilliant,’ Lynette enthuses as she brings her a cup of tea. ‘I’ve just spent half an hour with her and she’s worked miracles on my blowjob.’
My eye is instantly drawn back to Gina, who looks like she might be about to have a seizure. Lynette, on the other hand, is smiling mischievously and I notice that even Tess is struggling not to laugh. I may not like Gina, but I suspect that Lynette andI might get on very well indeed. Maybe this retreat won’t be so awful after all.
11
‘I should perhaps explain that Lynette writes spicy romance,’ Tess tells me with a smile, once the three of us are ensconced at a table out of earshot of Gina and her acolytes. ‘Much as I’d like to claim the credit for transforming her sex life, we were actually discussing a scene in her latest novel.’
‘I hope I didn’t startle you,’ Lynette adds. ‘I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about those three that just makes me want to shout words like blowjob. One day, I reckon I’m going to find the right sexual trigger word, and Gina’s just going to melt, like the Wicked Witch of the West inThe Wizard of Oz.’
Tess laughs softly. ‘You’re very bad, Lynette.’
‘Oh, you know I don’t mean her any harm really,’ Lynette clarifies. ‘Well, maybe a little bit, but you have to admit that she is spectacularly irritating.’
‘You’re certainly very different,’ Tess replies before turning to me. ‘Tell me more about you, Laura. Are you published?’
‘Under a pen name, yes,’ I tell her carefully.
‘And are you going to tell me who you write as?’
This is the question I’ve been dreading. I’m not ashamed of Larry Spalding, whatever Gina and her ilk might think of mywriting. But flying under the radar is like a safety net; it sounds stupid, but it kind of allows me to distance myself from him if it all crashes and burns. So, admitting that I’m actually Larry feels as uncomfortable as stepping out onto a spotlit stage completely naked. Also, while I think Tess would probably understand my desire for anonymity and be discreet, I don’t know Lynette at all, and I don’t want her blabbing my identity to everyone.
‘Do you mind if I don’t, just yet?’ I say to Tess eventually.
Tess studies me for a moment. ‘Interesting,’ she observes.
‘Oh, I’m not sure it is,’ I counter, but she’s still looking at me slightly strangely.
‘It definitely is. You see, I’ve been in this industry for a long time, and I know most of the mainstream British crime writers. Hell, I’ve probably edited over half of them at one time or another. So, either you’re not mainstream, in which case why conceal your pen name because it probably won’t mean anything to me, or you are mainstream but nobody knows who you really are. There’s only one mainstream British crime writer I can think of like that, and that’s Larry Spalding.’
Shit.
‘Are you Larry Spalding?’ Lynette asks, eyes wide.
‘Look, please don’t say anything to the others,’ I stammer eventually.
To my surprise, Lynette bursts out laughing. ‘Oh, your secret’s safe with me,’ she tells me when she’s got herself vaguely back under control. ‘But that is just the funniest fucking thing ever.’
‘Why?’ Whatever I’d been expecting her to say, it wasn’t that.
‘Because Gina…’ is as far as she gets before she loses control of herself again. I glance across the garden, worried that her outburst might attract the attention of Gina and her friends, but they appear to be engaged in a debate of their own, thankfully.
‘Oh, shit. I think I may have wet myself a little bit,’ Lynette breathes eventually. ‘Totally worth it though. Laura, you’ve made my day. Actually, you’ve made my retreat and we’ve still got two weeks to go.’
‘Are you going to explain what’s so funny?’ I ask her. I’m not offended, at least I don’t think I am. But I’m definitely not used to people reacting to me revealing who I am in quite this way.
‘OK.’ Lynette leans forward and tries to look serious, before breaking off into another fit of giggles. ‘Sorry, Laura. Tess. You tell her.’
‘Oh, no,’ Tess says firmly. ‘This is not my story to tell.’
‘Fine.’ Lynette makes another concerted attempt to compose herself. ‘What do you know about Gina?’
‘Not much,’ I admit. ‘She’s written a Tudor saga, according to Suzie. She thinks crime fiction is sordid and obviously doesn’t think much of spicy romance either, if her reaction to you is anything to go by. Oh, and she’s just signed with a publisher.’
Lynette’s mouth drops open. ‘Did she say that?’
