Page 15 of Happily Never After
‘Ha ha.’
She smiles. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing your brother.’
Liv has never made any bones about the fact that she fancies my brother Michael rotten. Thankfully Debbie, his wife, has either never noticed or doesn’t feel threatened by it. I suspect the first, as Debbie has been so totally focused on her children since they were born that I sometimes think Michael could dye his hair green and cover himself with tattoos and she wouldn’t notice.
‘I’ve never understood what he sees in dull-as-ditchwater Debbie,’ she continues after a moment.
‘She’s not that bad.’
‘Oh, come on. She’s hardly the most thrilling person to be around, is she?’
I laugh. ‘And you’re not biased at all, I suppose.’
‘It could be the plotline for your next book,’ she says suddenly. ‘A married man embarks on a passionate affair with a voluptuous pâtisserie owner, who opens his eyes to how boringhis wife is. He’s desperate to leave her for the new love of his life, but she’s got some kind of hold over him. What could it be?’
‘Probably financial,’ I suggest, entering into the game. ‘Maybe she’s got family money and he’s reliant on her.’
‘Oh, that’s good.’ Liv is warming to her theme. ‘Have you ever considered doing this professionally? Anyway, he’s trapped in this loveless marriage but the voluptuous pâtisserie owner?—’
‘Who doesn’t look at all like you, I suppose.’
‘Who might look a bit like me,’ she admits with a grin. ‘Anyway, the pâtissière gives him an ultimatum. Leave his wife or she’s off. What’s the guy to do?’
‘I’m going to hazard a guess that he’s going to kill his wife.’
‘Bingo. How would he do it though? He’s no murderer, so maybe he hires a hitman.’
‘Too complicated.’
‘Why?’
‘One, how’s he going to find one? You can’t just Google something like that.’
‘The dark web. I’m sure there are loads on there.’
‘OK. How do you get on the dark web?’
‘No idea.’
‘Precisely. Most people don’t, which is why it’s called the dark web. So we’re stretching the reader’s credibility. However, let’s say – just for the sake of argument – that he knows how to do that and finds his hitman. How much do these people charge?’
‘Again, no idea.’
‘Me neither, but we’ve got to assume it’s going to be several thousand pounds. Given that we’ve established that the wife holds the purse strings, how’s he going to get hold of that kind of money without her finding out?’
‘He only needs half the money up front. Isn’t that how these things work?’
‘With the second half due as soon as the job is done. I don’t think hitmen tend to offer payment plans, annoyingly.’
‘Yes, but he’s got access to her money as soon as she’s dead, hasn’t he, so that’s not a problem.’
‘Sorry, but you’re stretching the reader’s credibility again, Liv. Let’s say the hit costs ten grand all in. First of all, we’ve already established that he’s got to find the first five without his wife knowing.’
‘Short-term loan. DodgyCash4U dot com or whatever.’
‘OK. So he borrows the initial five grand, that’s what you’re saying.’
‘Yup.’
