Page 13 of Happily Never After
‘How would she know what was in the box? The packaging is supposed to be discreet. It wasn’t damaged, was it?’
‘What the hell were you thinking?’
‘I was thinking that my friend might need a little help now that she’s on her own and, being the kind person that I am, I bought her a gift that she might find useful.’
‘A dildo, Liv? Seriously?’
‘Technically, it’s a vibrator, not a dildo. Dildos are phallus shaped and don’t usually vibrate, whereas vibrators?—’
‘For fuck’s sake. I don’t care what the technical term for it is. Even you must realise it’s not the kind of thing you buy for other people. You’ll have to send it back.’
She smiles. ‘Nuh-uh. I’m doing you a favour, trust me. There should have been some other things in there too. As well as the vibrator, there should be some lube and toy cleaner. I’ve thought of everything.’
‘Liv, even if I’d said I wanted a vibrator, it’s still incredibly weird for you to buy me something so intimate, and have you seen the size of the thing? How on earth am I supposed to fit something that big… Actually, don’t answer that.’
‘See, this is what I mean. I love you, Laura, but you’ll never be able to let go and really enjoy sex until you stop being so repressed about it.’
‘I’m not repressed! It’s just not…’
‘Not what?’
‘I’m not comfortable sharing this aspect of my life with you.’
‘Sounds repressed to me.’
‘Are you seriously telling me you expect me to accept this thing and come bouncing down the stairs to announce what a fabulous wank I’ve just had?’
This is obviously the funniest thing she’s heard all year, if her gales of laughter are anything to go by.
‘Oh, Laura,’ she breathes eventually. ‘I wouldn’t mind, you know. I think it’s healthy to talk about this stuff.’
‘Why am I not surprised? You literally have no boundaries.’ I can’t stay annoyed with her, however misguided I think her gift is.
‘That might be true, but here’s the thing,’ she says. ‘Have you ever considered that there might be a link between Angus leaving and your difficulties with your writing?’
‘Sorry, what?’
‘I was thinking about it. I’ve never known you struggle with a book the way you are now, so I asked myself what was different. The main thing is that Angus has gone, obviously, but what effect has that had? Emotionally, it’s been very hard on you, but I don’t think it’s that. I think you’re sexually frustrated but don’t realise it.’
‘How can I be both repressed and frustrated? Oh, and by the way, neither of those things are true.’
‘Whatever. The point is that a bit of self-love might unblock you. Studies have shown that the release of feelgood endorphins during orgasm is good for your blood pressure, your mental health and general wellbeing. So, contrary to what your parents would probably have told you if they could get the words out, masturbation doesn’t make you go blind. It’s actually good for you.’
‘How on earth would you even begin to study something like that?’
‘I have no idea. Maybe there’s a big room full of people all fapping away while they’re connected to monitors. The point is it’s proper science. So, instead of being all shy and wondering how you’re going to talk to the postwoman, you should be saying thank you. And, as far as the size goes, people don’t seem to struggle. I did my research and it’s a good toy if the reviews are anything to go by.’
‘OK, look. I’ll admit I’m not exactly experienced when it comes to the world of sex toys because Angus got all peculiar the one time I brought it up, but?—’
‘Peculiar how?’ Liv interrupts.
‘I think he was worried I’d end up liking the sex toy more than him.’
‘Told you he was insecure.’
‘About that, maybe. Anyway, as I said, I’m not an expert in this field, but I can’t believe people actually review them, do they? Helen B in Ramsgate gives the Xcite 3000 or whatever it is five stars after it got her off in thirty seconds flat?’
‘Incredibly, there are people out there less uptight about sharing their experiences than you seem to be. You can read the reviews yourself if you don’t believe me. Did you know that the sex toy market globally is worth billions of pounds a year, and it’s estimated that at least 60 per cent of women in the UK own at least one? That’s just the ones who’ll admit to it, of course, so the real figure is likely to be a lot higher.’ She grins. ‘Maybe your mum has one.’
