Page 9 of Happily Never After
‘I’m not planning to jump on any new horses,’ I tell her firmly as I slide the phone across the table.
‘You say that now, but give it a bit of time. The good news is that I’m a pro on the apps, so I’ll help you put together an absolute knockout profile when the time comes. What’s the unlock code?’
‘Two-five-oh-eight. It’s Angus’s birthday.’
‘That’s the first thing we’re going to change then,’ she tells me as she prods the screen a few times. ‘Right. What do you want your new code to be?’
‘Umm, I don’t know. Isn’t it safer to leave that alone? What if I forget my new code and can’t get into my phone?’
‘You’ve got fingerprint ID set up, haven’t you?’
‘Yes, but it still wants the code sometimes.’
‘Fine. I’m going to set it to my birthday. If you forget that, you’re in big trouble.’
Fifteen minutes later, all trace of Angus has been wiped from my phone. Liv has unfriended us on Facebook, updated my relationship status to single and unfollowed him elsewhere. She’s now brought up my list of contacts and her finger is hovering over his name.
‘Don’t delete that,’ I tell her. ‘I might need to contact him to let him know if something happens to Meg. He dotes on her.’
‘Hmm.’
‘What?’
‘He abandoned her as well, didn’t he? I’m not sure he has the right to know her business any more than he does yours. What do you think, Meg?’
At the mention of her name, Meg looks up from her basket and thumps her tail a couple of times.
‘See? She agrees with me,’ Liv states firmly. ‘Shall we delete and block the horrid man from Laura’s phone, Meg?’
Another tail wag.
‘Looks like you’re outvoted,’ she tells me with a smile as she fiddles with the phone some more. ‘Now, what about the pictures?’
‘I’d like to keep them. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be mooning over him, but he was part of my life for ten years and I’ll lose all of that if you get rid of them.’
‘Fair enough. We definitely need to change the lock screen one though. Meg, show us your best side.’
Liv advances on the dog, snapping several shots on the phone as she does. ‘That one, I think,’ she declares after reviewing them. ‘Right, here you go. All ready for your new life. Let me know when you’re ready and we’ll get some dating apps installed.’
‘Like I said, I think that will be a while. I’ve been with Angus for so long that the idea of meeting someone new terrifies me.’
‘Oh, you’ll be fine. Men are simple creatures and they all broadly work the same way. You just have to treat them like puppies in the bedroom to begin with.’
‘I’m sorry?’
She smiles. ‘House training.’
‘Umm, I’m not expecting them to pee on the carpet, Liv.’
‘OK, maybe it’s not the best analogy. What was Angus like as a lover, if you don’t mind me asking?’
I can feel myself blushing a little. I don’t think I’m prudish where sex is concerned, but Liv has sampled so much of the sexual smorgasbord that she always makes me feel a little inadequate when the subject comes up.
‘He was all right,’ I say carefully. ‘Why?’
‘All right? Talk about damning with faint praise. I take it the big O wasn’t a regular visitor then?’
‘Liv, are you seriously asking me about my orgasm history here?’
