Page 64 of Happily Never After
‘Swiss Tess, we’ll call her. Next?’
‘Lynette. Gina’s sister. They traditionally hate each other, but seem to have overcome their differences to work together on Gina’s book. Then there’s me, and now bloody Angus.’
‘Sounds like the perfect backdrop for an Agatha Christie novel. What’s the one where everyone dies?’
‘And Then There Were None,’ I tell her.
‘That’s it. So, Angus realises you don’t want him back because you’re in love with Finn and he murders you in a fit of jealous rage. Unfortunately, Lynette sees it and tries to blackmail him, so he poisons her. Gina is unsure whether she’s more outraged by the death of the sister she hated for so long but is now strangely reconciled to, or the fact that Angus isn’t a writer. Either way, she stabs him to death with a fountain pen.’
‘I’m not sure a fountain pen is a very good murder weapon. I guess you could stab someone in the eye with it and blind them, but I don’t know if you could inflict a fatal wound.’
‘Something else, then. She bashes his head in with the ancient typewriter she insists on using for her writing. Meanwhile, one of the Double-Doubles has been plotting to murder Gina, because she’s dumped them in favour of Lynette. I’m thinking poisoning, but we’ve already used that, haven’t we.’
‘It is considerably tidier than shooting, stabbing or bashing someone’s head in with a typewriter though. No blood to clear up, unless the victim coughs some up, of course.’
‘Which one of them is the murderer?’
‘Grace, I reckon,’ I tell her. ‘She was the first to break ranks.’
‘Excellent. Suzie can discover the body, have a change of heart and turn on Grace. Who’s left?’
‘Swiss Tess. Nobody hates her.’
‘We need a mastermind. It could be her. Maybe she’s got some secret vendetta against all of you.’
‘What about Finn? He was here at the beginning, after all.’
‘Good point, but I’m sure there are lots of options. Maybe he ingested something before he left that’s going to kill him later. Or he’s in cahoots with Tess – a stooge. No, this is it. He hears about you and dies of a broken heart.’
‘You’ve still got some loose ends,’ I point out. ‘Cara and Hugh, who own the house.’
‘Oh, bugger. OK. Swiss Tess hasn’t killed anyone directly yet, so maybe she polishes them off simply so there are no witnesses. Unfortunately, she bungles it and Hugh doesn’t die straight away. As he’s lying on the ground in agony, she uses the opportunity to do a load of monologuing about how she pulled the strings and why she wanted everyone dead.’
‘Monologuing?’
‘Yes, it’s compulsory. Villains always have to reveal their secret plan in a monologue just before the hero turns the tables.’
‘We don’t have a hero though. Everyone’s dead or dying.’
‘Exactly. She thinks Hugh is incapacitated and his movements are merely him writhing in pain, but he’s secretly trying to get to the sideboard, where he’s got a gun concealed. She’s so busy with her monologue that she doesn’t notice what he’s up to and so, with his last few gasping breaths, he lifts the gun and shoots her in the forehead.’
‘Impressive. I like it.’
‘You can have it for your next book. The usual fees apply.’
‘Which are?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. My name in the acknowledgements as your muse, a case of wine…’
‘My muse?’ I can’t help laughing now.
‘Yeah, why not? I’ve always fancied being someone’s muse.’
‘Talking of which, how is the lovely Donna?’
‘She’s fine.’
‘Mmm-hmm?’
