Page 32 of Happily Never After
‘Is that the one where players have to remove various objects from a body using tweezers?’
‘That’s it. If they touch anything other than the thing they’re supposed to be removing, a buzzer sounds and they forfeit their turn. At the end of the game, the person who has successfully removed the most objects wins.’
‘I used to play it with my brother. We always ended up fighting and I think we lost most of the objects in the end. I’m not sure how you’d make a TV show out of it though.’
‘There’s a bit of a formula, at least there is to mine. The first thing you need for a successful show is something the audience can engage with. I agree, just watching two people trying to retrieve objects without setting off a buzzer isn’t very immersive. So you need to add another element, and the easiest one is some form of quiz. Audiences love a quiz. You also need elimination, and some kind of jeopardy in the final.’
‘I’m intrigued. Go on.’
‘In the show, the contestants have to start by answering questions across a number of categories to amass as many points as they can. We start with ten people, and lose the two with the lowest number of points at the end of each round until there are just two finalists left. That’s your elimination stage.’
‘Yup, got that.’
‘The finalists then go head-to-head in a general knowledge round to decide who will get to go into the operating room. Then we add the jeopardy, by converting the highest scorer’s points into seconds of time. They’re against the clock in the operating theatre to fix as many things on the “body” as they can. The more things they fix without setting off the buzzer, the more money they can win.’
‘That sounds straightforward enough.’
‘Yes. You don’t want it so complicated that the audience loses interest. We also add an extra layer by allocating different cash sums to different operations depending on how hard they are to do. So, a gallstone is worth five thousand pounds, because you have to remove a number of other organs to get to it and put them back in the right place afterwards, all without setting off the buzzer. An ingrown toenail, on the other hand, is only worth a hundred. So the contestant has to decide how best to use the time they have available.’
‘Turn right there,’ I tell him, pointing out the track that leads to L’Ancien Presbytère. ‘What’s the biggest prize?’
‘The slipped disc,’ he tells me. ‘One hundred thousand pounds.’
‘That doesn’t sound very hard.’
‘It isn’t, if you go from the back. But you can only get to it from the front on our patient, so you have to remove pretty much all the other internal organs first, and we’ve made it particularly hard to get out without setting off the buzzer. The show’s been going out for five years and we’ve only had three contestants manage it.’
‘Hm. And this is on every day of the week, you say?’
‘Yes. It’s very popular.’
‘So why a writers’ retreat?’ I ask as he pulls up outside the house.
‘I’m working on a new show that I want to pitch, but I’m a bit stuck,’ he tells me as he switches off the engine and we climb out. ‘I thought this might be a good place to un-stick myself. I’m sorry. I’ve been prattling on and I haven’t asked you anything.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I tell him as Hugh throws open the door and comes to greet him. ‘I’m sure there will be plenty of time. I’ll see you around, yeah?’
‘Absolutely. And thank you so much for showing me the way. I don’t think I’d ever have found it by myself.’
‘Everyone, this is Finn, the final member of our little group,’ Hugh announces as we’re congregating for breakfast. Cara has excelled herself again; as well as the croissants and pains au chocolat you’d expect to find at a French breakfast table, there is a selection of cold meats and cheeses, as well as eggs in various forms, fruit juices and a selection of teas. Cara herself is deftlyoperating a coffee machine that looks very similar to the one I’ve been using at Maison Olivia.
All conversation ceases immediately as everyone turns to study the newcomer. I note with amusement that Gina’s eyes are as wide as saucers, although her mouth is set in its customary downward curve of disapproval. Suzie and Grace are looking unsure, evidently waiting for Gina to tell them what their reaction to Finn should be, and Lynette is eyeing him up in a similar manner to a lion assessing its prey.
‘Bloody hell, he’s going to be a bit of a distraction,’ she murmurs when I sit down next to her. ‘If I were twenty years younger, I’d be all over him.’
‘Really?’ I ask, studying Finn once more. He’s chatting to Cara while she makes him a coffee so is hopefully oblivious to our scrutiny.
‘You don’t think he’s utterly gorgeous?’
‘He’s OK. I mean, he’s no Henry Cavill, but he’s not Shrek either.’
‘The Superman guy?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘Bit old for you, isn’t he?’
‘Says the woman eyeing up a man half her age!’ I retort.
