Page 5 of Mr. Edwards
I can still feel him.
Smell him.
Taste him.
For nine-hundred-and-fifty-three excruciating days, I’ve had to live without his touch, his kiss, his love. It’s been so long since my body felt this… alive.
Grayson used to call me his sunshine, but he’s the one who filled me with light. A kind of brightness I never knew existed until him. Now I’m left looming in the darkness once again.
Our time together tonight may have been fleeting in the grand scheme of life, but I don’t regret a single second of it… well, except for the part where I again had to push away the best thing that has ever happened to me. The first time was hard, tonight was no easier. If anything, it was more difficult because this time round I knew how hollow life was without him. There’ll be no one else for me. Nobody will ever be able to replace him. I’ll forever cherish my memories, but I already know they won’t be enough to quench the longing I have for him deep down within my soul.
My mind drifts back to the moment when themonster from my past reared its ugly head, forcing me to remove my engagement ring and walk away… just the thought of it has bile rising to the back of my throat. Grayson wants answers, and countless times over the past few years I’ve thought about how I could explain everything to him, to tell him what happened the day I fled… the reasons why we can no longer be together, but what am I to say? I can’t make sense of it myself, much less explain it to him. Words won’t help either of us.
Nothing I say or do can erase the shame of my past. Lives are at stake here; I need to remember that.
It’s for his own good, I’m doing this to protect him.
If only I could make him understand that the truth won’t set him free, it will destroy him… I’ve already hurt him enough.
Blowing out a puff of air I drag my weary ass out of the car. My body feels like it’s weighted down with bricks, and the tightness in my chest makes it hurt to breathe. I feel empty, lifeless. It’s impossible to feel whole when your heart is no longer in your body. Mine lies with someone else.
I unlock the front door and step inside. After firmly closing and locking it behind me, I flick off the lights and activate the alarm before heading toward the stairwell at the rear of the gym.
Once upon a time, this was my happy place… but not today. Today it feels like a prison. Like the walls are closing in, slowly suffocating me. When I was a little girl, this very room gave me something safe. Somewhere I could expel all the demons that were too heavy for my small body to carry around.
When I walked away from Temecula six years ago, I never thought I’d return. This town holds too many badmemories. It’s where I grew up, and the only other home I’ve known. The reality is I had nowhere else to go… and I needed to be close to Reece. That’s why I came back.
In some ways, I even wanted to be near my mom.
Although she never gave a damn about me, the messed up needy side of me still cares. Still pines for her love, for her acceptance, even though I’m old enough now to know I’m never going to get it. I’m a glutton for punishment. She has no idea what I have sacrificed for her, I doubt she’d even care if she did. She’s always been a selfish bitch like that.
I was never high up on her list of priorities. I fall somewhere under the booze, drugs, her one-night stands, or whatever flavor of the month she’s got supporting her filthy habit.
When I first left here and moved to Gardena, I tried so hard to leave that part of my life behind, but the damage bad parenting brings to a child never really goes away. It’s embedded in my DNA. I’m the daughter of a whore, dirty by default.
Dropping my bag on the floor just inside the front door of the apartment, I kick off my heels and head toward the bathroom. I’m so emotionally spent I’m not even bothered by them lying there; they’re the least of my worries right now. I usually can’t stand disorganization or mess. They say a turbulent upbringing will do that to a person, and believe me when I tell you my childhood was beyond fucked up.
I release a defeated breath as I will my body to keep moving through the small living room toward the bathroom. It would be so easy to give in to the heartache, but I can’t do that. Instead, I’ll keep doing what I’ve done for the past two and a half years. Take life one step at a time.Each second, each minute, each hour. I’ll continue placing one foot in front of the other, and if that fails, I’m not above crawling. I have no choice but to move forward, because as much as I wish it wasn’t the case, there’s no going back.
Chapter 2
Carlee
Turning off the faucets, I blindly reach for a towel after exiting the shower. The hot water did nothing to heighten my mood, I still feel like I’m dying from the inside out, but the majority of my life was spent alone. I did it once; I can sure as hell do it again. I know from experience this feeling of utter helplessness will diminish somewhat in time,every day may not be good, but there’s something good to be found in every day. I have to hold on to that sentiment. Still, there’s a part of me that wonders if I’ll ever feel like the old Carlee again. The Carlee pre-Grayson Edwards that is. The damaged yet strong woman who eventually found peace in navigating this cruel world in solitude. The girl that was constantly let down and overlooked. I’d never experienced real love until him.
That’s a sobering thought.
I wrap the towel around my body and clench my eyes closed, willing back the tears. I tilt my head toward the ceiling.Be strong, I remind myself.
Bending over, I scoop up my bridesmaid dress off the floor, clutching it to my chest and burying my nose in thesoft red fabric. I can still smell Grayson’s cologne on the silk. I inhale deeply.My sweet, beautiful man.
On a heavy sigh, I exit the bathroom and pad down the hallway toward my bedroom. It’s better to have loved than to never have loved at all, I suppose.
“Shit,” I squeal when I round the doorway and see a large figure sitting on the edge of my bed with his head cradled in his hands.Reece. His eyes dart up as soon as he hears me.
“Hey.” He quickly diverts his gaze when he notices I’m only dressed in a towel.
Normally I wouldn’t walk around his place like this, especially if he’s home, but it’s some ungodly hour in the morning. “I didn’t realize you were still awake,” I say, walking over to my dresser and fumbling through the drawers for some clothes.
