Page 56 of Finding Forgiveness
I inhale a large breath, taking the fresh country air into my lungs. It’s a vast difference to the city smog I’m used to breathing in. I considered doing a DoorDash or Uber order for breakfast, but I’m not sure they do that kind of thing in the sticks—it’s my first time experiencing rural life—besides, I couldn’t explore the town from my hotel room, so I decided to go it on foot.
It’s daunting being in a new environment on my own, but I’m proud of myself for getting out there. Despite my best efforts, all I can think of is home as I wander down the main street of Mudgee. More specifically, Connor. What is he up to? How is he feeling this morning? Is he still angry with me? Did he read the letter?
“Good morning,” a lady walking her poodle says.
I grin at her. “Morning.”
Is everyone in this town friendly? I haven’t passed a single person that hasn’t acknowledged me in some way. A head nod, a smile, a tip of their hat, a greeting. It’s nice, and a big change from the fast-paced life in the big city. Everybody seems like they’re in a rush there. I’m a stranger here, but I definitely feel welcome. Maybe I should stay an extra night.
It’s early so none of the shops I pass are open yet, but I spy a few people entering a café across the street and further down, so I head in that direction. I’ve already had a coffee, but I won’t say no to a second one. I might even grab some food while I’m there. I didn’t end up eating dinner last night. By the time I got to my room and showered, the enormity of the day settled over me like a dark cloud. I ended up climbing into bed and crying myself to sleep.
The truth may not have imprisoned me, but the repression of my conscience certainly did.
My eyes are drawn to the bright pink and white signage as I cross the road, and a smile tugs at my lips when I read it. The Dancing Goat. It feels like an omen. Dancing has been my lifeline since I was a little girl. It’s also how I met my bestie … the person who changed my life for the better.
I join the queue and scan the board behind the counter. My stomach growls as I do, confirming I need to eat something. I’m going to have to keep my strength up if I want to continue travelling around the country. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch; I doubt I’ll even leave the state, but I have to at least trust my journey, even if I don’t understand it yet.
In some ways, I feel like I’m still trapped in that sixteen-year-olds body. Suspended in time because I’m unable to deal with the wreckage of my past. If I look out into the abyss, it’s that young girl’s terrified face I see staring back at me. I’ve spent the last six years running, partying, and moving from one guy to the next, to try and escape my reality. I need to stop that destructive lifestyle and finally face my demons head-on. It’s the only way I can truly move forward.
When it’s my turn, I step up to the counter. “Can I get a latte with a double squirt of hazelnut and one sugar please … oh, make it skinny, you know to compensate for the extras.”
The woman serving me looks to be around sixty, with bright pink highlights in the tips of her greying hair. It’s cool; I like it. “Totally understandable,” she says, grinning. “Is that all, hun?”
I was eyeing the granola, but that’s what the old me would’ve ordered. My eyes dart back to the menu. “I’ll have the hot smoked salmon bagel too, please.”
“Is that to eat in, or takeaway?”
“Eat in if possible.”
“Of course.” She hands me a number and tells me to find a vacant table. “I’ll bring your order out when it’s ready.”
“Thank you.”
I decide on one of the al fresco tables. Not only is it a beautiful sunny morning, but I also left my phone back in my room … on purpose of course. Out here I can at least people watch to help pass the time. If I’m lucky, I might see another horse or a kangaroo. I saw a few of them bounding through a paddock on my way into town.
I’d usually be skimming through social media now, keeping up with the gossip, or watching mindless reels on TikTok that would have me laughing one minute and crying the next—if you’ve ever fallen down that rabbit hole you’d understand. But if I’m serious about rediscovering myself, then I need to stay clear of any outside influences.
Maybe I should go off-grid somewhere and reconnect with nature. Who am I kidding? The closest I’ve ever come to nature is the pristine manicured gardens on my parents’ vast estate. Or that time a huntsman spider—that was the size of my hand—decided to climb up the leg of my white linen chinos. My body shudders at the thought. I didn’t scream or freak out as you’d expect. No, I fainted gracefully, like a lady.
A few minutes later, the hot-pink-tipped server appears at the side of my table. “Here’s your coffee, hun. The food won’t be much longer.”
“Thank you.” She places a paper serviette down on the table beside the mug. It has the dancing goat logo on it. “I love the name of this place,” I tell her.
“There’s a story behind that.”
“There is?”
I’m shocked but not uncomfortable when she takes a seat opposite me. “You see, I have a hobby farm … goats, chickens, pigs and a donkey named Dingbat. He’s not very bright that one, he’s constantly getting his head caught in the fence.”
“Poor Dingbat. Do your goat’s dance?”
“No, not mine,” she chuckles.
“I’ve seen the cute baby ones on TikTok that bounce around in their little onesies.” I place my hand on my chest and sigh.
“Onesies?”
“You know the all-in-one outfits they wear.”
