Page 1 of Finding Forgiveness
Chapter1
Cassie
The past …
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow, Cass,” Jacinta says, hugging me on their front porch. I’ve spent the weekend with my dream family, the Maloneys, and I always get an ache in my heart when I have to leave and go back to my real home, because I want to be here with these people, forever and always.
It’s a place where I’m wanted, cared for, and loved.
The last two days have been extra special, because my best friend’s big brother, Connor—the love of my life—was home for the weekend from college. I miss not being able to see him every day; it’s been tough, even more so since Jacinta has no idea what we are doing behind her back. That is something I struggle with most.
Jacinta and I met when we were twelve and became besties straight away. That girl breathed life into my miserable existence, and for that, I’ll forever cherish her and the bond we share. She makes my life worth living. That’s why lying to her is so hard. I’ve seen firsthand how girls constantly use her to get close to her brother, and how much it hurts her. Even though I’ve been pining for him from afar for years, I still swore to her I’d never be one of them, yet here I am, carrying on a secret relationship with him, without her knowledge.
In my defence, every girl with a heartbeat wants him, I can’t help but be one of them.
I climb into the passenger seat of Connor’s car, trying my best to act cool as his sister watches on from the porch, but inside, I’m absolutely giddy. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been able to touch him, smell him, bask in his love. We still talk and text every day, but it’s not the same as having him here in the flesh. He’s nineteen—three years older than me—I have just over a year left before I graduate from high school, so it’s not like we can be together anytime soon.
My hands wring in my lap as he reverses out the driveway, and the moment we pull out onto the street, he reaches for me, lacing his fingers through mine. I sigh when he pulls our conjoined hands up to his mouth, placing a kiss on my knuckles. “Fuck, I’ve missed you, Cass.”
“I’ve missed you too, Con,” I reply as tears sting the back of my eyes.
Connor has never held a relationship for long, he’s had a plenitude of girls in the past, but they’ve always been short lived. For some reason, things seem different with me. It doesn’t stop my inner panic every time I have to say goodbye though. I’ve lost countless hours of sleep since he’s been gone—knowing he’s surrounded by women his own age—and silently worrying that he’ll lose interest in me, but that’s yet to happen. Two nights ago, he even went as far as telling me he loved me. It was the first time … and of course, I told him I loved him right back because I do.
I loved this man long before he even knew I existed.
His grip on my hand tightens as he turns the corner, heading towards our secret spot … the place he started bringing me last year when our friendship began to develop into something more.
It’s a lookout that sits about halfway between his parents’ house and mine. I was fifteen when he got his driver’s licence and offered to start driving me home. Prior to that, Jim, his father, used to give me a lift.
Connor and I have always been kind of friends because Jacinta and him are super close, so being alone with him was awkward at first.Exhilarating but weird.It was nice to finally be the sole object of his attention, because that usually went to his sister.
In the beginning, he’d drop me off without many words exchanged between us, but when he started to notice I was often going home to an empty house, the questions began, which in turn led to an interrogation. Although my family dynamic is not something I like to talk about, I found myself gradually opening up to him.
Over time, as our interactions grew, so did our friendship. I became desperate for more from this man but never believed that was possible. Somewhere along the line, things gradually changed. I noticed he started looking at me differently,staring may be a better word,and he began to prolong our time together. I’ve always loved being with Jacinta and her family, but my lift home at the end of the night was what I found myself looking forward to most.
On my birthday, as we sat in his car by the kerb in front of my house, I made a backhanded comment about how I was sweet sixteen and had never been kissed. To both my surprise and elation, he turned his body towards mine, leant forward in his seat, and whispered,“Let me do something about that then.”
My heart was hammering in my chest when his fingers threaded into my hair, drawing me closer. The instant our lips connected, I was a goner … who am I kidding? I’d been dreaming about that very moment for as long as I could remember.
Over the weeks and months that followed, our make-out sessions became longer and hotter, but apart from some light petting, he never progressed any further from there. I was at the age of consent, but no matter how much I pressured him, he was hesitant to relent. He wanted it as much as I did—the ever-present tent in his sweats told me that—but despite it not being his first time, it was mine, and he said with our age difference he didn’t feel like it was right. He wanted to wait until I was older. It was sweet of him, but unnecessary. I was all in.
I knew it was only a matter of time before we went all the way, and once that day finally came, there was no looking back. I’ve never felt so close, so connected, to another human being, but it hurt that I wasn’t able to share any of this with my best friend, after all, it’s what girls my age do. We gossip about boys and stuff.
The deeper I fell, the guiltier I felt. My betrayal towards Jacinta was profound, but my friendship with her was something I couldn’t bear to lose. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, but keeping this secret felt like my only option.
“You’re quiet tonight,” Connor says as he pulls into a parking space at the lookout and switches off the engine. When my parents aren’t there, which is often, we usually go back to my place, but my mother texted me earlier asking when I’d be home, so he brought me here instead.
I have so much to tell him, but I’m scared. I’m not sure how he’s going to react to my news, and he has exams coming up—which I know he’s stressing about—so I’m thinking it can wait. “It’s hard with you gone … I die a little inside every time I have to say goodbye,” I reply, because it may not be the real reason I’m quiet tonight, but it also isn’t a lie.
The sweet smile he gives me has me swooning in my seat. This man is seriously good-looking, and I’m so lucky that I get to call him mine.
He reaches across the centre console, wrapping me in his arms. “The holidays are coming up soon, and it will be just like old times, I’ll be able to see you every day.”
Not in the way I wish.
When Jacinta’s around, I have to act like this man isn’t the air that I breathe. It’s a constant struggle not to reach out and touch him, hold him, mesh our mouths together, or ride the high that only he can give.
“Yeah,” I say, dipping my head.
