Page 3 of Finding Forgiveness
Fuck.
It’s the sitting that is doing my head in … I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I remain standing, staring at the hostess challengingly, but when she arches one of her perfectly sculptured eyebrows and points to my seat, I feel like a kid being scolded.
Begrudgingly, I nod and sit, but my leg starts to bounce the moment I do. I bow my head, clap my hands together and do something I haven’t done since I was a small boy … I silently pray. I beg God for a second chance, for an opportunity to right all my wrongs where she’s concerned, but most of all, I pray forher. Cassie doesn’t deserve to go out like this. She may have broken my heart when we were younger, but she’s a good person. She deserves to live, a chance to find happiness, even if that’s not with me.
When I’m done, I rest my elbows on my knees, lean forward, and clutch my head in my hands. I feel like the world is crumbling around me. For six long years I’ve been acting like I hate Cassandra Lewis. I’m ashamed of the way I’ve treated her at times, and some of the dreadful things I’ve said. The truth is I still love her—I never stopped—but now, I’m faced with the real possibility that I may never get a chance to apologise. To try and make up for all the awful things I’ve said and done.
I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.
Now that we’ve landed, I know I can turn off the aeroplane mode on my phone. I’m sure there is an update from my parents or my sister, waiting for me, but I’m scared.Petrified would be a better word.What if I’m too late?
The last news I got before I boarded was that the doctors had pumped Cassandra’s stomach, in an attempt to remove the toxins she’d ingested, and that she was in critical condition in intensive care. Why would she do this?
Jacinta mentioned she’d had a fight with her mum before coming to stay with us, and of course there was the blowout Cassie had with my sister when she busted us in a compromising position, but this? I saw how down she was before she flew back to Melbourne—and I’ll admit I was worried about her—but trying to end her life? I didn’t see that one coming. It seems so extreme.
They would’ve worked things out in the end, those two are too close to let this end their friendship, so it makes me wonder if there is more to it. I feel like a cad for coming between them. It’s just another thing I can add to the long list of wrongs I’ve committed where Cassandra is concerned.
Was it that phone call she got? I have no clue who she was talking to, but whoever was on the other end of that line, upset her.
My mind drifts back to that moment—the same day Jacinta found Cassandra and me in bed together. It was a place I swore I’d never go again, but this woman has always been my weakness.
I’d stepped out of the shower and into a cloud of steam, rolling my shoulders and manoeuvring my head from side to side as I did. I was stiff all over from the workout I’d just done. I’d spent the few hours prior at the gym avoiding my arch nemesis, Cassandra Lewis, who had invaded my apartment once again.
I hated that I got a sick kind of thrill whenever she arrived, because the truth was having her around was torture. It was a constant reminder of the love I’d lost … of the woman I could never have. All these years later, I still couldn’t seem to let her go.
I’d tried, boy had I tried, but none of the other women I’d been with since her could spark even a fraction of the feelings Cassie evoked in me. It had been six years since she ghosted me and broke my heart, and I was still unable to completely move on.
Reaching for a towel, I scrubbed it over my face and through my wet hair.Fuck my life.It was way easier when I first moved to Sydney and didn’t have to see her anymore.
As I wrapped the towel low around my waist, I opened the bathroom door and stepped back into my bedroom. I wanted to hide in here for the rest of the afternoon, but I was starved after my workout.
As I walked towards my dresser to grab some clothes, I heard Cassie scream, “I hate you!”She hated who? Me? That was old news.“You ruined my life six years ago … I’ll never forgive you for that. Now you’re trying to destroy it completely, why can’t you just let me be?”
Her yelling was followed by a loud thud and then a wail … a blood-curdling scream that sent a shiver running down my spine. It was concerning. So much so I found myself turning and heading down the corridor that led to the room where she stays when she’s here.
I wasn’t sure who she was talking to, but I knew it wasn’t my sister. Those two never fought.
I lightly rapped my knuckle on her bedroom door, but instead of an answer, I heard a loud sob coming from inside. Without thinking, I reached for the doorknob. I don’t deal well with emotional females at the best of times, but my unease for her overrode that.
I’d only seen that woman cry twice in the ten years I’d known her. The first was the day I moved away for college, and the other was when Jacinta came to live with me in Sydney. This woman was typically a ball-busting rod of steal.
“Cass,” I said when I saw her sitting on the side of her bed. She was slumped over, and her head was buried in her hands. Her slender body convulsed with racking sobs. She was alone, but I spied her phone lying on the floor on the opposite side of the room, so I could only presume whoever she’d been screaming at had been on the other end of that line. “Cass,” I repeated a little louder.
That time, she heard me because she raised her face and when she saw me standing just inside the doorway her eyes widened. “Shit,” she mumbled, jumping to her feet and vigorously swiping her fingers over her cheeks. If she was trying to hide her tears, she was wasting her time. I’d already seen them.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Me? Yes,” she answered with a scoff, flicking her hand.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“Ugh. I was watching some random stuff on TikTok … you know those videos … the ones where the soldiers return home to surprise their families? They get me every time.”
My eyes narrowed. “I don’t believe you.”
