Page 123 of My Destiny
“You saying that means a lot, and I wish that more than anything. It will always be one of my biggest regrets.”
“I can take you to visit her gravesite one day, if you like. It’s not the same as…”
A smile tugs at his lips. “No, I’d like that.” He sits back in his chair, and I see a genuine sadness envelop him as he shakes his head. “I still can’t believe she’s gone.”
I slide into the back of the limousine after a long, tiring day, and fumble in my bag for one of the letters John gave me. I planned on reading it on my lunch break, but that never came to fruition.
I’m nervous as I slide my finger into the small opening on the side and break the seal. Over the years, the once white envelope has yellowed.
I take a deep breath as I unfold the piece of paper enclosed. The first thing I notice is how neat his writing is for a man.
To my dearest Maree,
I don’t even know where to start because there’s so much I need to say to you. The best place would be with me expressing the most heartfelt apology. I’m sorry I never told you I was married. I know it’s no excuse, but I was scared I’d lose you, and the deeper I fell, the harder it became. Please believe me when I say it’s not a marriage based on love—it never has been. Nevertheless, I should have been honest with you.
Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I hate myself for the things I said earlier, especially about the baby. Our baby. The product of our love. Just thinking there’s a chance you’d consider listening to my deplorable demands, fill me with an enormous sense of dread. You must think I’m a monster, but please, please, I beg you not to go through the termination. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll give up everything I have if you’ll just promise to give our child a chance at life. I didn’t mean one word. I was scared, and I panicked, but the moment you walked out of my office, I knew I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I hate myself for things I said. I’ve lost the best thing that has ever happened to me—you.
I love you, Maree. I love you more than I have loved anyone or anything. You may be doubting that right now, but it’s the truth. I can’t even comprehend life without you in it. I never knew the true meaning of happiness until I met you.
It’s 2 am and tears are streaming down my face as I sit here and write this. I’ve been driving around all night looking for you. I stopped by your apartment earlier, but your roommate told me you’d packed up your things and fled. Maree, I’m going out of my mind with worry.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I won’t be able to rest until I find you. Even if you don’t want me in your life anymore, I just need to know that you’re okay, that our child is okay.
I can see the blotches on the page where his tears fell and smudged the ink. Refolding the letter, I place it on my lap as I wipe tears from my own eyes. I thought I was ready to read these, but I’m not. This letter alone is almost five pages long, but those first few paragraphs are enough. They tell me all I need to know: Everything he’s said is true. He did love her as much as he claims. He’s sorry for the dreadful things he said. And most importantly, he did want me.
I can’t begin to express what that means to me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been fighting this so much. Was I trying to reject him like he’d rejected me all those years ago?
“Are you okay, Miss Ryan?” Chris asks, eyeing me with concern through the rear-view mirror.
“Yes, Chris,” I reply as my gaze moves to the window. To be honest, I’m unsure how I feel. In a way, I gained a sense of peace from reading the letter, but on the other hand, I feel an incredible loss. Not just for me, but for my mother, and for John. Our lives could’ve been so different, but I, of all people, know you can’t turn back time. Those years are gone, and we can never get them back.
When I enter the apartment, I find Jill sitting at the table with John. I’m tired and I have a headache. All I want to do is lock myself away and soak in a hot bath.
“Here she is,” John says the moment I enter the room. Again, the smile on his face when he looks at me is huge. “We were just talking about you.”
“Nothing bad I hope.”
“Never,” Jill says. “Come sit. I’ll get you something to drink.” She goes to stand, so I hold out my hand to stop her.
“No, thank you. I’m beat. If you don’t mind, I’m going to head up to my room.”
“Okay, dear.”
My eyes dart to John, and I can see the disappointment on his face. We parted on good terms this morning, but right now I just can’t deal with all of this. Bowing my head, I make a beeline for the stairs. Hopefully later I’ll be feeling up to talking.
Closing the bedroom door behind me, I sit down on the bed. I stay there for a moment, collecting my thoughts, when my phone rings.
Sliding my bag onto my lap, I open it. The first thing that greets me is the letter. I pull it out and place it on the bed beside me before retrieving my phone. I smile when I see Hot Stuff on the screen.
“Hey,” I say, answering the call.
“Hey, babe. Is everything okay?”
“Of course, why?”
“Chris called me to let me know you got home safely. He said you seemed upset.”
“I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind.”
