Page 92 of Silver Fox's Christmas Scandal
"I can't," I whispered. "You know I can't."
"Why not? We're both adults. We can have dinner without?—"
"Because it's not fair to either of us." I forced myself to meet his eyes, to let him see my resolve even as it was crumbling inside. "Because every time I see you, it gets harder to do what's right." I wanted to tell him, and dinner with him would've been the perfect opportunity, but he just wasn't ready yet. Or maybe I wasn't ready yet.
"How does anyone know what's right?" When he looked at me, I felt a twinge of guilt in my chest. This wasn't the way a man with just an "arrangement" would act. Lucian was acting as if my not sleeping with him anymore was destroying him and not the scandal with Viktoria and his children.
The pain in his voice made tears spring to my eyes. "What's right is protecting both our futures. Your career, your relationship with your children, your reputation—they're all more important than whatever this was between us."
"What if I don't agree?" Again, I caught a faint hint of something more under the surface, or maybe I wanted to.
Maybe I was imagining that he wanted more with me, that he had feelings for me the way I did for him. But if that were the case, it wouldn't just end our careers.
It would go nuclear and I’d have to hide for years to outlive the shame of what we'd done.
"Then you're not thinking clearly." I stepped back, putting physical distance between us because being close to him made rational thought impossible. "I have to go."
I turned and walked quickly toward the elevator, but I could feel his eyes following me.
When the doors closed and I was finally alone, the sobs I'd been holding back broke free.
My shoulders shook as weeks of suppressed emotion poured out, and I had to grip the elevator rail to keep from collapsing.
The doors opened on my floor, and I stumbled toward my new desk in Daniel's outer office.
But Jamie was there, chatting with another colleague, and she took one look at my tear-streaked face before rushing over.
"Tessa, what's wrong?" She guided me toward the ladies' room, her voice full of concern.
"I can't do this anymore," I sobbed against her shoulder. "I can't keep pretending everything is fine when it's falling apart."
"Is this about him?" Jamie asked gently. "About Mr. Cross?"
I couldn't answer, could only cry harder as she rubbed my back and murmured soothing words.
She didn't know about the baby, didn't know about the nights we'd spent together or the way he'd made me feel cherished and valuable.
She only knew that I was heartbroken over a man I couldn't have.
"Come on," she said softly. "Let's get you cleaned up. You don't want anyone to see you like this."
She was right. I couldn't afford to fall apart at work or let anyone suspect there was more to my relationship with Lucian than professional mentorship.
I had to protect both of us, even if it was destroying me from the inside out.
But as Jamie helped me fix my makeup and compose my expression, I couldn't stop thinking about the baby.
By Christmas, I'd be showing—there would be no hiding it then.
Eventually, I'd have to tell Lucian about it. Eventually, the pregnancy would show and questions would be asked.
The thought of spending the holidays alone, carrying his child while he remained oblivious, made my chest ache with fresh pain.
But while his career hung in the balance and his family was already turning against him wasn't the time to add more pressure.
I'd wait for the dust to settle, for the board to make their decision, for some sign that revealing the truth wouldn't destroy what remained of his life.
Even if the waiting was destroying mine.
