Page 114 of Level Up
“I’m thinking of quitting the whole streaming thing,” I say at dinner with my family on Saturday night. (I figured I couldn’t cancel on them without Mom worrying about me, but at least I can wear sweatpants that have a huge stain at the crotch, and it doesn’t matter.)
Three sets of eyes from three generations of women turn on me, shocked, like I’ve just told them that I decided to go start a cult in the woods and only wear clothes woven from my own hair.
“What?” I respond defensively, before any of them have spoken.
“It sounded like you said you were going to quit streaming,” Mom says, watching me suspiciously.
“I did.”
“But you love doing that,” Marie says, and then frowns. “Wait, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but it’s not very mature, is it,” I say with as much nonchalance as I can feign, lifting my wine glass to my lips. I don’t let my face pinch up when I take a sip. “I think it’s about time I grow up, don’t you? I mean, I’m twenty-six, I’m not a kid anymore?—”
Mom barks a laugh so loud that I can feel the table shake. “Sorry, that was just…very funny.”
“I’m not a kid!” I protest, sounding like a petulant child as I do so.
“No, of course not,” she replies, though her face keeps trying to break into a mocking smile. “But where is all of this coming from?”
“There’s just…online drama and stuff,” I tell her, dragging my fork through the herb and garlic mash on my plate. “And maybe I’m too old for all of that now.”
“You’re never too old for drama, dear,” Gram says right before a piece of glazed turnip slips right out of her chopsticks and goes flying across the table, landing next to Mom’s plate. They both carry on, unfazed.
“But other than some petty drama, do you enjoy it?” Mom asks me.
“Yeah, but there are more important things in life,” I say seriously.
“More important thanjoy?” She sounds completely incredulous.
“I should be finding a real job, saving money,thinking about the future.” Not having my whole life scrutinized by strangers who only want to see the worst in everyone.
“You have no idea what the future will bring,” Gram says, turning her attention to me. “You could choke on a crouton here at the table and die right now—you never know.”
“I really hope if I were choking on a crouton right here, you guys would at least try to save me.”
Gram shrugs and returns to her meal.
“Honeybum,” Mom says to me, reaching a hand over mine. “Listen to me: growing up is for suckers. Don’t do it.” She lets go of my hand with a nod. “I’m avoiding it for as long as possible.”
I sigh and look across the table at Marie, hoping for someone sane here to back me up. She must agree that I should move on from this, right? She’s always thought my obsession with gaming was silly, I can only imagine what she thinks of me making half my income from playing games online.
Although, with the new subscribers I’ve gotten over the past month, it’s more than half my income now. But that might all go away, now that I’m dating the Son of Satan, according to everyone.
If I’m still even dating him, I mean.
Fuck, I don’t even know.
I try not to let my panic show on my face when I look at my sister, but the sympathy in her eyes is notYeah, these two are nuts, it’sAre you okay?
Marie, who thinks my interests are weird and stupid. Marie, who just broke up with her long-term boyfriend and had to move back into her childhood bedroom. Marie, who’s had to uproot her entire life at thirty-two.
She’s worried ifI’mokay?
I’m pretty sure the wobble of my chin is all the answer she needs.
No.
I don’t think I’m okay.
