Page 104 of Level Up
ToastOnBeans: Noooo don’t say Scoddly, that’s horrifying
ToastOnBeans: I mean, I think this is fucking amazing, but don’t do a couple name like that for the love of god
“The Swiss Meringue Buttercream is more expensive to make,” I continue after a glimpse of the chat, choosing to keep ignoring it, “but the customers also like it more… Maybe offer one kind with that and one with the American Buttercream?”
WonkyWillow: What are we even talking about here@SammyIsMyBaby? Who is Scones?
SammyIsMyBaby:@WonkyWillowOnly the best SOA3 streamer of all time
ToastOnBeans:@WonkyWillowYou should watch their Stones of Ayor speedruns together. It’s just sexual tension all over the place.
WonkyWillow: I don’t like those games. I thought this was supposed to be a cozy gaming channel.
HadTrash93: SMBC all the way, Oddly. I can’t stand the powdered sugar crap.
“What I can’t believe is how many customers want chocolate cupcakes.” I don’t know how much longer I can do this. “Vanilla is so much better, hands down.”
BallsOfAyor: I knew you were shit at SOA. You just got your boyfriend to play it for you and then pretended you knew shit.
It’s like my first speedrun all over again. The dickish gamer bros coming into my streams to harass me, while I’m just trying to sell cupcakes.
HadTrash93: Balls, why don’t you go fondle yourself somewhere else.
BallsOfAyor: I wasn’t planning to stick around for this gay shit anyway
BallsOfAyor: Also chocolate cupcakes are way better
“Well, that answers that,” I find myself saying aloud. “Vanilla it is.”
You would think that,after a week, the internet would have lost interest in our relationship status, given how many stupid things people have said on Twitter since then—and yes, I refuse to call it anything other than Twitter—but apparently not.
It’s not just the trolls bothering me, either. They are badenough, but the people who seeminvestedin all of this are just as annoying. It feels like no matter what I do, I’ll be disappointing someone.
Some think that we should do joint streams every week. Some think that I should stop doing joint streams with him at all. Some think I should play moreStones of Ayoron my channel, while others think I should never play it on stream again. Some want me to convince Damien to show his face on camera. Some can’t understand why we’re together because I’m“not even that hot.”
Some want me to divulge personal information about him, like his real name or birthday or shoe size—but I don’t think they were talking about shoes. Some want me to “just shut up about him already, for fuck’s sake.” Some want to know when we’re getting married. Some want to know if I’m pregnant because I have That Glow about me.
And, as it turns out, Damien wasn’t the only one who remembered me mentioning my asexuality on stream a few years ago.
“I knew you were lying about being ace to get attention. You’re not queer.”
Well, that one hit somewhere too personal for me to stand. I almost started crying on my Monday night stream, and I didn’t even have the excuse ofCloud Questthis time.
First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever claimed to bequeer—even though Victory assured me, back in university, that there is an A behind that + in LGBTQ+—but the idea that I would somehow lie about being ace for attention? Given that I only mentioned it once or twice in my streams, ages ago, and haven’t brought it up since.
Given that it has been a source of anxiety for me since I learned the word in high school.
Given that I’m still not a hundred percent sure what it even means.
Given that I’m still not a hundred percent sure who I even am.
Even if—and that’s a bigif—I’m completely, a hundred percent allosexual after all, I still neverliedabout it. I said the thing that was my truth at the time.
And what would I have to gain from doing so? It’s not exactly something to brag about.I don’t experience sexual attraction the way that almost every other human does, aren’t I cool?I don’t get it. If anything, it only ever made me feel like there was something wrong with me.
I’ve googled things. Words likedemisexualandgraysexualandasexual grayromanticand everything in between. The more I try to narrow it down to a word that fits perfectly, the more my head starts to explode.
And the last thing I want is to draw attention to any of this, let alonelieabout it togetattention.
