Page 54 of Level Up
I’ve known Victory for years, but sometimes I feel like Damien understands me even better than she does—or maybe notbetter, but differently. He understands parts of me that she never will, and I’m sure the opposite is true as well. And while I don’t think I have tochoosebetween the two of them, I still feel like I’m stuck in the middle.
It gets worse at the end of the evening, when Victory offers to have her and Pal walk me home, even though it’s out of their way. Damien says that it’s on his way to the streetcar, and they don’t have to trouble themselves.
So maybe right now I do have to choose.
“I’m feeling pretty lazy, babe,” Pal says to Victory, slouching back in their seat. They’re the only person I know who can call their partnerbabeand not sound like a tool. I think they might be magic. “I’d rather just get out of here. No offense, Aud.”
“Uh, no, that’s totally fine,” I tell them, though I blink in confusion when they wink at me.
Damien excuses himself to use the restroom before we head out, and Pal mouths the wordhornyat me behind his back.
“Stop that!” I hiss at them, leaning forward on the table to keep my voice low. “He definitely is not.”
“I meant you, too,” Pal says smugly, finishing the last dregs of their pint.
I scowl at them, though I know my face is going redder. “That doesn’t happen to me,” I say, though I’m not sure which one of us I’m trying to reassure.
“Look, I know you’re ace-spec, but I have demisexual friends who have zero reaction to a hot person in front of them, but they are absolutely feral with their partners. It’s not impossible.”
“I am not feral!” I argue. “And I thought demisexual is when you need an intense emotional bond before you feel sexual attraction.” (Although it’s hard to keep track of which label is which.)
Pal smiles dryly. “What’s your point?”
“There’s no bond here!” I motion with my arm between myself and Damien’s empty chair. “And I’m notferalorhornyor?—”
Pal’s eyes flick upward, over my head, and I can tell by the sadistic amusement on their face that Damien must be right behind me.
So that’s fun.
The walkback to my apartment is, in a word, awkward.
I told Damien that he didn’t need to walk me, as I only live a couple blocks away, but he said it was on his way.
What neither of us has mentioned, however, is that I just shouted in a busy pub something about not beingferalorhorny, and he almost definitely heard at least part of that. Which should not be that embarrassing, really—it would be worse if I had saidthat Iwas.
At least, I think that would have been worse. Though it may have been more honest because, yeah, okay, I may be sweating a little more than the mid-October temperature should allow.
All I know, as we reach the side door of the house that leads up to my apartment, is that I don’t really want him to leave. But I don’t know what to do about that.
I bide some time, fishing for my keys in the pockets of my overalls, even though there’s nowhere for them to hide, and then pause once the key is in the lock, turning to face him. He’s standing so close, I have to crane my neck a bit to look at him. For a moment I almost think he might kiss me... But then his attention turns to my hand frozen over the lock and he clears his throat.
“Do you want to…” I swallow nervously. “Come in and hang out?” That sounded so lame, I might as well have saidNetflix and chill.
“Um…” He scratches the back of his head, both of his shoulders hunched up like he’s in physical discomfort.
“I won’t make you watch Disney!” I blurt out, and he breathes a laugh.
“Maybe some other time, okay?” he says, and his rejection nearly knocks the wind out of me.
“Okay,” I croak, forcing myself to smile and nod as if that wasn’t a huge blow to my ego.
“But I’ll probably be online later, playingStones, so if you want?—”
“I think I’m just gonna head to bed, actually.” I yawn involuntarily but it helps sell the lie. “Didn’t realize I was so tired.”
“Okay, well…” He starts backing away leisurely. “Talk tomorrow, then.”
We say our goodbyes and I head inside, up to my apartment, where I immediately wake up my computer and checkPlay’N—though I switch my status to appear offline, in case Damien shows up later and figures out that I was just being incredibly awkward.
