Page 105 of Level Up
The comments on Damien’s streams have been even worse, though. Yesterday, someone told him they hope this doesn’t mean he’s going to start playing thefruitygames that I play on his streams now.
He didn’t let that one slide.
“You know what, I think tomorrow I might do something a little different,” he said at the time. “Just for kicks.”
Packing up orders in the shop today takes longer than I expected, but I manage to make it back to my apartment in time to catch the second half of his stream this afternoon. He told me that he was going to playCloud Queston his channel for the first time ever, and I didn’t entirely believe him.
But he’s doing it.
He’s playing freakingCloud Questin front of a hundred thousand bros who just wanted to watch him chop down doomstalkers with a giant axe—given that he finally retired Charles and started a newSOA4game for his streams a couple weeks ago.
The comments are surprisingly tame.
SammyIsMyBaby: This is so cute I can’t even
KarlachsBitch: You missed one of the red flowers down by the river
ToastOnBeans: Yeah, you’re gonna have to do another pass of that whole area
“I’m in no rush, guys,” he replies, as calm as he always is, whether he’s steering a gentle cloud or decapitating doomers. “We’re just here to chill today.”
At least,mostof the comments are tame.
BallsOfAyor: Dude this is so gay
Damien’s head turns slightly, like he’s reading the chat, while his thumbs keep steering with the controller as the cloud continues on its leisurely way through the sky. “Hmm. Is it?”
BallsOfAyor: This is the gayest shit you’ve ever done
He snorts derisively. “I’ve literally sucked a guy’s dick, so no, I don’t think this is the gayest thing I’ve ever done,” he says offhand, but then his grip tightens on the controller, like he just realized that he said that out loud.
He’s never mentioned on his streams that he’s bi—I’ve seen almost every single one, and it was still news to me when he told me. He’s usually very careful about not sharing anything personal. No one knows his name or what he looks like or where he lives, and until last week, no one knew anything about his love life.
And,oh.
The shitstorm that descends at that moment.
Not all of it is negative, exactly—ToastOnBeans is thrilled, saying they could tell he played for both teams—but most of it is awful. Or at the very least, not very respectful. Prying. Judging. Teasing.
And he ignores it. All of it.
He continues the rest of the stream like nothing even happened. He still checks the chat and responds to things that are relevant to the game—or at the very least, that are not abouthim—and it finally clicks for me what he’s doing now:
Of course he’s not ignoring the trolls because he condones their behaviour. But he’s not taking the high road, either, like he’d told me he was.
He’s hiding.
Because anything he could say now would be too personal. Taking a stand on anything would be giving too much away. People wouldseehim. The real him.
The thing is, he can hide his face and his name and his personal life as much as he wants, but the real him has always been there. In his jokes, in his laugh, in his play style, in his details. I’vealwaysbeen able to see the real him, even when my pride had me trying to deny it.
I don’t think I fell in love with him when we were in his bed. I don’t think I fell in love with him when we first kissed, or when I firstwantedto kiss him. It wasn’t even when we first met; it wasn’t love at first sight.
It was love before first sight.
I think I’ve been in love with him for a long time.
Hadley:
