Page 19 of Learn Your Limits
Resigned to spending the night with him on my mind, I grab my phone from my desk and pull up the app we have been using. Nerves twist and tangle in my stomach as I think about what I want to say to him. I want to ask him how his day has been and what he's up to now. I want to know if he's been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about him.
Yesterday, I wouldn't have hesitated to text him and find out.
I've already tried to show him how eager I am. Maybe now it's time to be vulnerable. Even if doing so goes against everything I’ve ever been taught. My father is the type of man who thinks masculinity is a one-size-fits-all type of thing and if you don’t fit into the crafted mold, then you’re not a real man. It makes me wonder—and terrified to find out—what he will think of me when he learns that I have no intention of following the path he has designed for me.
CallMeCal:Been thinking about you all day, Milo.
Ugh. Why is this so hard?How many flirty conversations have I had with women? I've never struggled, but I've also never cared this much. It doesn't help that my chosen username feels a bit odd now that he knows my real name.
CallMeCal:Don't worry, I won't send another video.
I don't even know if I still want to be on this app. It's meant to be a way to meet and connect with people who you could potentially form a relationship with, and I've already found Milo. I'm not interested in meeting or talking to anyone else.
Instead of staring at the screen and waiting for him to respond, I swipe out of the app and open Spotify to my favorite playlist. Some people say they are mood readers, but I'm a mood listener. My playlists consist of everything from punk rock, metal, and emo to pop and country. With bands like Sleep Token, Bring Me The Horizon, Broadside, Rain City Drive, and Bad Omens cued up, I pop in my wireless earbuds and attempt to drown out my thoughts. A few songs play before my music pauses, phone vibrating with a text alert.
JustMilo:You still shouldn’t be telling me that.
JustMilo:But at least there’s some secrecy of your identity on this app... Cal.
I’m so damn sick of other people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I wish we could just text instead of communicating on the app, but I know at this point, it’s better to maintain the distance between us.
At least on paper.
He can’t be seen having any kind of intimate relationship with a student, and I’m sure text would fall into the “intimate” category. Plus, like he said... Here, I’m just Cal.
I’m not Reid Callahan, and I’m not his student.
CallMeCal:I hate this. This isn’t how I imagined things going.
JustMilo:I don’t have a choice.
Fuck. Does that mean he's only acting like this because he thinks there's no other option? Because he thinks he has to push me away now that he’s my professor?
CallMeCal:What if we kept our conversations strictly on here?
CallMeCal:I won't approach you on campus.
JustMilo:I should say no. To all of this. To you.
JustMilo:You can’t have me in the way you want, but I’m afraid I’ve already grown attached to you.
He’s attached to me.
Heat rushes through my body and rises to my cheeks as a smile paints my face.
CallMeCal:And what about the way you want me?
It feels like I'm putting my heart on the line by asking, but I need to know this isn't one sided. Being attached doesn't necessarily mean he wants me the same way I want him. If hecan honestly tell me that he doesn’t feel what I feel, then I’ll leave him alone. I’ll stop reaching out, and I’ll sit in the back of his lecture hall for the remainder of the semester.
Out of sight, out of mind.
JustMilo:What about it? You know nothing can come of it with our current situation.
CallMeCal:I need to know what you want, even if you think it doesn't matter.
CallMeCal:Our current situation isn't permanent, you know.
JustMilo:Well, I’m trying to ensure my position stays permanent.
